‘It’s like an arrow in my heart’: The women coming to terms with not being grandmothers
There is a spare bedroom in the north London home of Jacqueline Clark, 63, that was once earmarked for grandchildren. But now her 34-year-old son says he never wants to be a father and so the room remains empty. “It’s like an arrow in my heart”, admits Jacqueline, “I had dreams of decorating it pink or blue and filling it with toys, but now I can hardly stand to go in there.”
It’s not an uncommon situation these days. An increasing number of millennials and Gen Zs are adamant they don’t want children. Whether that’s because they are on tenterhooks about the political state of the world, climate threat or the impossibility of ever owning a property, it seems parenthood isn’t on the wish list for our adult kids. And the stats endorse it. According to the Office of National Statistics (ONS) the birth rate is in free-fall, and has been declining since 2010, with 2023 being the year with the lowest number of babies born since 1977.
Rita Silva, 34, works for a leading London hotel and ever since she can remember, she has known she doesn’t want children. She is also the Childfree by Choice creator behind @globetrottingwithrita. “There are so many judgements made around those who don’t embrace parenthood,” she says, “I want to inspire other people like me and encourage them to look at all their options before making such a big decision.” Other SINKS (an acronym used to describe those with a single income, no kids) regularly message Rita expressing their relief at “being understood”. One of the most commonly shared grumbles is the pressure they feel from their own parents to continue the family lineage. Rita sympathises with their stories but feels fortunate that her own situation is less burdened with expectation.
Joana Silva, 66, is Rita’s mother. She has no illusions about ever holding her daughter’s baby in her arms. “I’ve come to terms with not being a grandparent,” she admits. “Rita has told me since she was small that motherhood isn’t her path. She is an only child and I don’t remember her ever asking for siblings. Although she is interested in friends’ babies, when I see her interacting with them, I can tell she’s slightly detached.
“There is probably an assumption that I am sad about my situation but it’s not something I dwell on. My main priority is that Rita is happy, fulfilled and safe. But, if I am honest, I would like her to keep an open mind about the future. She is resolute about her situation, but who knows what life may bring? People insist their destiny is fixed, but then circumstance turns everything upside down.”
Getting over the grief of not having grandchildren
Yet, for many, the desire to be a grandparent, especially if it is a heart-wrenching, all-consuming craving can throw up complex emotions. Jacqueline Clark finds it “unbearable when friends share photos of their grandchildren” and says that talking about it makes her teary and miserable. “I can actually feel the pain in my gut,” she admits.
Kate Bufton, a BACP-registered therapist understands how traumatic the situation can be for some. “Not being a grandparent can be a significant cause of grief. Not only does it mean the loss of a much-wanted experience, but it can also be linked to the loss of purpose, fun, a legacy, the unconditional love of a child. To help someone manage this situation, I would encourage them to be curious about what is going on for them emotionally, and to consider why these difficult feelings are so significant? Perhaps they hanker after another (better) shot at parenting, or for their older age to have more meaning, or perhaps they want their own children to experience parenthood so they can understand the commitment and sacrifices that were made for them.”
Bufton also accepts that the prospect of being a grandparent can be glorified. “As we age, everything gets that little bit harder. So, of course, the idea of babies coming along can feel like an exciting distraction. Especially if that person’s own experience of parenthood was wonderful, it’s tempting to imagine a perfect scenario of endless cooing and cuddles. But every baby will come with its own future and challenges, and sometimes things can be very complicated. My point is, when people can’t have what they want, they tend to imagine an ideal outcome, which can have a negative impact on their current reality.”
Avoid putting pressure on your children
Veronica Mackie, 67, recently told her family, “I am ready for grandchildren now. Please don’t make me wait too long.” Sarah, 33, her middle daughter says she feels the burden. “That’s mum’s wish, not mine. Actually, it really irritates me when she goes on about it. I’ve got a successful career and most of my energy is focused on that. Babies are not currently on my mind. One of my closest friends has just announced she’s pregnant and I’m putting off telling mum because I know she’ll start interfering and pressuring me again. She once said to me that she liked the name Lola for a girl. Surely, if I did become a mother, I’d be able to pick my own baby’s name!”
Living through our kids is never going to end well. Bufton adds, “It can damage the parent/child relationship because the child can carry feelings of guilt around not wanting, or being able, to give their parents something they so desperately crave. This means open conversations can become difficult, resentment builds, and, in the worst cases, there could be animosity and estrangement. Not only might the parent then miss out on grandchildren, they could also distance their own kids too. And while I’m an advocate of honesty, it’s probably best not to share your feelings about wanting to be a grandparent with your children – especially if they are resistant. Turn to understanding friends, your partner or even a therapist instead.”
While it’s worth remembering your children do not owe you grandchildren, the pain of missing out is real. Not only are you dealing with the agony of loss, it also doesn’t help that judgement from others may be flung your way. People ask, “Why doesn’t your son/daughter want kids? (like there’s something fundamentally and seriously wrong), or they condescendingly simper, “Don’t worry, they’ll change their mind once they meet the right person”. Often, this decision to opt out of procreation can be seen as a rejection of life. And that’s doubly difficult for those yearning to be grandparents who are already facing other age-related challenges as they move into their senior years. Some wanna-be grandparents feel it’s a cruel snub of their own parenting skills – “Was I such a terrible mother that I’ve put you off wanting this for yourself?”
“Grandchildren can bring a boost of positivity and pleasure, and so the absence of this source of joy can be devastating; it can also stir all kinds of insecurities. We start questioning the reasons and our own involvement,” Bufton says.
Find ways to fill the gap
Rita Silva adds: “I’ve had loads of people tell me I’ll want a baby once I meet the right man. Well, the right person for me is someone who also doesn’t want kids. It has nothing to do with my own childhood, which was amazing, and I am extremely close to my parents, I love them deeply. My cousins have 17 children between them, and I enjoy all our family gatherings. But I can’t imagine myself pregnant. I don’t want the physical impact on my body or the lack of sleep or the financial strain. I am an empathetic person, nurturing and kind, but I am not maternal. I have weighed up all the options and, for me, it’s a no to children of my own.”
Claire Turner, 62, describes herself as “a broody grandmother-in-waiting”. She secretly buys cute baby clothes and keeps them in a special box hidden in her wardrobe. “I’m yearning to hold a little body again,” she admits. “I loved being a mum and I want my kids to experience the sheer bliss of it all. Sometimes I see my son with his mobile in his pocket and I worry it might be killing off his sperm. I try not to go on about being a grandmother, but my two boys know I’m keen. One of them said the other day that he enjoys his life so much, he couldn’t imagine sacrificing it for the commitment of a family. But I won’t allow the thought of him not being a father enter my head. That would be terrible.”
So, whether it’s an eternal waiting game for some expectant grandparents or the acceptance of absence, Kate says, “The grief can be shattering and it’s helpful to acknowledge this. Show yourself compassion and recognise you are dealing with a painful loss. You may need time to grieve the loss but facing up to what’s going on for you is ultimately constructive. Then, hopefully, you’ll be able to figure out meaningful ways to fill the gap. Perhaps that will involve working with young people, or making the most of your freedom, or nurturing strong connections with the loved ones you already have around you?”
Joana Silva is not a woman with regrets. “I have a beautiful daughter who I cherish. I wouldn’t want her to feel the weight of any of my problems. My life is good. Retirement is coming for me but that doesn’t include looking after grandchildren. I’m more likely to be planning my next holiday. I try hard to be positive and remain youthful – someone calling me grandma might make me feel old. Ha! So, you see, there are always some good things in every situation.”
