8 tricks Fearne Cotton swears by for building a happier life
Plotting big power moves and seismic changes can so often be the focus of the work we do on ourselves, but are there are smaller ways to shift the direction of our days towards meaning and purpose? In her new book, Little Things, Fearne Cotton shares the tiny lessons she's learnt from her own experiences and Happy Place podcast conversations that have truly shifted her perspective – and that she believes can alter yours, too.
'This is the advice I've received – the lessons I've learned in my own ups and downs, the expert conversations from my Happy Place podcast, the therapies I've tried and the habits I've created – to keep working towards good days,' she explains.
Below, she shares some of the simple ideas and self-care tricks that can bring us closer to unlocking daily happiness.
Say a non-religious prayer
Non religious-prayer is an act of handing over control to something bigger than us, and we don’t have to align with one certain doctrine to do it. It can be spoken out loud and a moment where you ask for support or guidance.
Don’t get too hung up on who you are talking to. You might want to ask the universe, the spirit of a deceased loved one, or keep it totally ambiguous. You may want to write the prayer in your notebook or just think it in your head.
Praying doesn’t mean the answer reveals itself immediately, but you might notice a lessening of stress, a feeling of support and, down the line, new thoughts or ideas.
Draw your life pie chart
I watched an incredible talk by Shonda Rhimes recently. Her admission that every time she’s nailing it at work, she is missing out on story time with her kids at home, and every time she is sewing a Halloween costume for her children, she is falling behind at work, made me feel much less alone in the pressure put on parents. We simply cannot do it all.
These days I like to think of my life as a pie chart. I have actively decided that my priorities are family and work. Someone else's might be caring for someone, physical wellbeing or a hobby. But drawing this chart is a way to see how much you are trying to cram in. If you're aiming for 100% effort at work, 100% in your family life and 100% with your social scene, how is that going to fit into the pie?
Use this exercise as a template to see where you really want your attention to sit, and which balls you are more willing to drop.
Do 'The Zoom Out'
When I’m struggling to find perspective, I do what I call the ‘zoom out’. I picture myself sitting on the sofa in my home, then, as if a small drone camera were focused on me, I zoom out.
I pull focus to an aerial view of my house as a tiny dot in the town I live in. Then I zoom out further to see the whole of the UK, in the blue of the sea. Then I pull focus to see the entirety of planet Earth floating in space. Then further out so that Earth becomes a small rock in the gargantuan universe. Then out again until our galaxy is a swirling mass of light.
Does it really matter that I haven’t emailed someone back? Or that I forgot my son’s sports kit? My little stresses seem even smaller when I zoom the hell out.
Try 'box breathing'
I once visited a therapist at a time when I was frequently experiencing panic attacks. His first words were, ‘You haven’t taken a breath since I shook your hand in reception.’ I had gotten very used to subconsciously holding my breath when I was nervous, and his observation was a wake-up call.
I started to track how often I held my breath and what the triggers of stress were each time. After that, I could take the active decision to breathe deeply.
The next time you’re late or can’t find a parking spot or are on a packed train, notice how you are breathing. Are your breaths shallow and quick, or are you holding your breath at the top of an inhale?
Breathwork coach Rebecca Dennis often advises people to use ‘box breathing’: take a breath in for four [seconds], and then hold your breath for four at the top of your inhale. Breathe out again for four, and then hold your breath for four at the bottom of your exhale.
Take a fag-free fag break
I don’t smoke and although I would never advocate for anyone to take it up, I often feel envious of the small break created by the habit.
When I’m working from home and don’t have time for a walk, I take fag-free fag breaks. I step outside of my tiny studio, which is airless and sometimes stuffy, and take deep breaths outside for a couple of minutes to reset my mind and stretch my legs. It’s incredible what even a short break in the fresh air can do for our stress levels.
Say 'halt' in your head
All of us get irritated by relatives. So, if you are usually quick to react when a family member stresses you out, try to say 'halt' in your head. I like the word 'halt', as it sounds comedic and dramatic. Rather than counting to 10 while attempting to breathe in a Zen-like way, just put the brakes on and hear a commanding voice in your head yell, 'HALT!'
I know reacting straight away from a place of stress doesn't work for me — this helps avoid that.
Play talking sticks
Another useful thing to try in tricky moments with relatives is the 'talking sticks' method, which Shaman Wendy Mandy taught me. Whoever is holding the stick (it can literally be a stick or hairbrush or pen - anything) gets to talk.
Begin by stating how you feel and taking ownership of your emotions. For example: 'I am struggling to find a way through this. I am feeling angry.'
Once the talking stick has been passed over, the other person has the opportunity to speak without interruption. It might seem laborious or ludicrous, but it encourages listening and keeps things from getting heated as there is no talking over each other.
Change up your night-time routine
If you usually watch TV, try an evening walk with a friend or neighbour. If you usually scroll social media in bed, try putting the phone down and swapping it for a positive book.
Small changes like this help us to show us that we can rely on ourselves. When we switch up habits and make positive changes, we learn to trust that we can show up for ourselves.
Little Things: A Positive Toolkit For When Life Feels Stressful by Fearne Cotton (Vermillion) is out now
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