30 popular sexual fantasies to try
Picture your hottest, toe-curling, clutch-the-sheets-because-it-feels-that-good sexual fantasy. Maybe it's a steamy secret you've kept under wraps, or maybe your partner knows exactly what you've been dreaming of. Whether you're a bit on the shy side or just haven't had the time to explore, pretty much everyone has a sexual fantasy that gets their engine warmed up and/or they'd love to make a reality.
A sexual fantasy is an idea or thought that turns you on, whether or not you want it to happen in real life, says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a psychotherapist and sexuality educator. And it doesn't necessarily have to be an entire film production playing out in your head, starring you as the lead and your partner (or, uh, celebrity crush) as your love interest.
It can be any image, concept, scenario, or object that revs you up. 'For some people, it's pornography. For others, it's erotic literature. And for even others, it's simply seeing an attractive person walking down the street and creating a scene in their head,' says couples and family therapist Rachel D. Miller, PhD.
Of course, there are some fantasies that are more common than others (a romp on the beach, anyone?). Looking for some steamy fodder, or simply don't know where to begin? WH has rounded up some of the most popular sexual fantasies. But first...
How do I start a conversation about sexual fantasies with my partner?
Living out a common sexual fantasy sounds like a ton of fun, but before you stock up your Amazon cart with sex toys, make sure to have a conversation with your partner first.
'Playfully tell your partner that you have fantasies you would like to share with them,' says Ava Cadell, PhD, clinical sexologist and AASECT-certified sex counsellor. 'If they give you the go ahead, then tell them your fantasies, starting with the mild ones.' Discussing tamer fantasies, like wanting to watch your partner striptease, can put both of you at ease before opening something more intense, Cadell says.
And, word to the wise, don't just lay it on them five minutes before a work meeting. Timing is everything, says Cadell: 'The best time to talk to your partner about your fantasies is when you feel comfortable.' That could be on a long road trip, a romantic date, or even after sex. (There's always next time, after all!)
Before moving forward, it's also key to make sure your relationship is in a strong enough place to entertain a sex fantasy, and that it's something both partner are into, says Mary Jo Rapini, M.Ed, LPC, a psychotherapist specialising in intimacy, sex and relationships.
For instance, 'many times the fantasy involves taking in a third person,' Rapini says. In that hypothetical situation, one person may want it while the other doesn't feel entirely comfortable with the idea. That's why Mary Jo recommends experimenting with a lower-stakes playful fantasy first (think: dressing up) before committing to something like a hot and heavy threesome.
But, ultimately, it's totally up to you and your boo—after all, you know the boundaries of your relationship best.
How can I safely explore my sexual fantasies?
1. Figure out your goals
'The first piece is figuring out if it's something you want at all,' says Wright. As she previously mentioned, a sexual fantasy is something you may or may not want to recreate in reality. You're not required to share it with anyone—it's totally okay to keep it private and just for you, Wright says.
Per Wright, you can categorise your sexual fantasies into three buckets and, subsequently, conversation starters:
'I'm very clear that this is solely a fantasy for me, and I don't want to make it a reality.'
'I'm very clear that I want to try to make this a reality.'
'I've had this fantasy for a while and I'm not sure if it's something I really want in reality, but it's been turning me on a lot and I want to share it with you.'
After pondering it, if you realise the fantasy is something you do want to pursue IRL, then it's time to...
2. Talk about it
Before having the convo, both partners must consent to the discussion happening. 'That can look like saying, "Hey, I wanted to chat with you about some sexy things I've been thinking of. When would be a good time?"'You want to offer the other person a say on when and where the conversation happens, especially if it's a talk they weren't expecting. (This is a chat you want to have outside of the bedroom, btw.)
During the actual convo, if it's your first time talking about sexual fantasies with your partner, it might be helpful to bring in some visual examples (wink-wink). If there's a scene on television or in film that aligns with what turns you on sexually, you can use that as a sort of intro, says Miller.
POV: You and your beau are having a chill night in, streaming your favourite steamy movie from Netflix, and then the scene starts. You can say something along the lines of: 'That got me more turned on than I anticipated...' Or, 'Have you ever thought about doing something like that?' Additionally, you can share examples of fantasies via visual or audio porn.
'Reading erotic literature together can be another way to introduce it,' says Miller. You could say: 'Wow, I was reading this scene. It sounds so hot. Can you read this too and let me know what you think?'
3. Before play, negotiate boundaries
When it comes to safety and negotiating boundaries, it's all going to depend on your unique situation and the form of play, per the experts.
For example, if you're engaging in group sex, your safety procedure might entail everyone agreeing to what will happen prior to the actual meet-up, plus discussing safer sex practices (i.e., the use of condoms), says Miller. 'For many people that I work with in the kink and poly community, a sharing of status is recommended and often practiced,' Miller notes. That means, making sure you're getting tested regularly, and sharing that information with everyone involved, she adds.
No matter why type of play you're engaging in, consent must be granted and everyone needs to understand exactly what they're consenting to.
4. Have a safe word
Safe words are agreed upon words between you and your partner(s) that, when uttered, signal a request to slow down or stop completely during play. At times, they're broken down into two categories, per Miller: 'yellow' words and 'red' words. 'Yellow words signal the need to slow down or decrease the intensity of play, while 'red' means a hard stop.'
When selecting a safe word, you want to pick a term that you wouldn't commonly use during the scene you're playing out. 'It needs to be a word that would jolt everyone out of place,' says Miller. For example, many people opt for food-related terms like: 'ice cream,' 'tomato,' or 'pineapple.'
5. Don't forget about aftercare
Aftercare involves resetting and connecting with each other after being in a shared, heightened space. And it can look like a lot of things, from getting someone a glass of water to laying in bed for a few minutes and cuddling, or washing up before debriefing, says Miller. Like play, your aftercare ritual ideally should be negotiated before getting down and naughty.
Speaking of debriefing, that's a major part of aftercare. Similar to the timeline for introducing a fantasy, Miller recommends having a discussion right after sex or the next day. This is where you'll share what went well, what you enjoyed, what you didn't enjoy, and what you would like to do differently.
During this chat, be sure to choose your words carefully, suggests Miller, 'because this is someone you most likely want to have sex with again.' The goal is to leave a debrief session feeling, 'Yeah, that was great.' Or, 'Note to self, let's move that down the [sex] menu or even pull it off the menu completely.'
A debrief is an opportunity to affirm each other and also discuss what you can do differently next time, to make play even hotter for both of you.
What should I do if my partner doesn’t want to explore a sexual fantasy with me?
Well, it depends on the boundaries of your relationship.
If you're in a non-monogamous relationship, for example, and your partner doesn't want to explore a fantasy with you, next steps might involve finding a play partner outside of your relationship that is willing to engage in that fantasy with you, says Wright. You might ask: 'how would you feel about me exploring this on my own?'
If you're in a monogamous relationship, however, next steps may entail deciding for yourself if this is something you want to let go or revisit, Wright says. If it's the latter, consider benching the conversation for another date. You can say: 'This is something I'm really interested in exploring, but I understand. I’m wondering if you would be open to sitting with it, and then we can come back together in a week or two to talk about it again.'
Especially if the conversation was not planned beforehand or the fantasy is slightly outside of your partner's comfort zone, their initial response may be rather reactionary. While it could hurt in the moment, understand that your partner may just need some time to think about it.
In this situation, it could also help to get curious about what they are open to exploring, because a lot of times you might be more aligned than you realise, says Miller. Take rope and bondage, for example. That might feel out of their realm, initially, but if they express an interest in wanting to pin your hands above your head, perhaps it's a matter of slowly working your way up to more advanced forms of bondage, Miller explains.
At the end of the day, 'enthusiastic consent is the name of the game,' Miller notes, so if it's a definitive 'no,' it'll be important to manage your disappointment accordingly.
Sexual fantasies to try out with your partner
Think you're ready to get steamy? Here are 30 sexual fantasy ideas you can try (or at least start dreaming about) tonight.
If you like playing games...
For many of Cadell's clients, sometimes just talking about the fantasy is satisfying enough. These games give you a framework for doing just that.
1. Fantasy fun cards: Write down all your sexual fantasies on a stack of cards and get your lover to do the same. Then, each partner should sort all their cards into two separate piles: 1: Fantasies to turn into reality, such as having sex in a public place. 2: Fantasies to remain only as fantasies, such as group sex. 'Expressing your sexual fantasies can be a huge part of foreplay—or it can be the main event,' Cadell says.
2. Bring in the paint: 'Play a sexy version of the game Pictionary where you and your partner take turns drawing different fantasies,' Cadell says. Each person will get five turns to try and guess what the other is drawing in under a minute.
3. Try fantasy charades: 'Play a game of fantasy charades where you get to act out your favourite fantasies without speaking,' Cadell says. 'See if your partner can guess what you are trying to tell them through your actions and movements.'
4. Ask your partner to play fantasy fortune telling: 'Try this verbal fantasy game to test both your creativity and imagination,' Cadell says. Start off with a timer and give each person 20 seconds. Flip a coin and the winner will begin to describe a sex fantasy scenario like a threesome or anal fantasy. After 20 seconds, switch and their partner will continue the fantasy for another 20 seconds. 'Do this for five turns and see what erotic ideas you come up with. At the end, you can decide if it’s a fantasy you want to live out,' Cadell says.
5. Act out a famous sex scene from a movie. Okay, this isn't exactly a game per say, but it will put you and your partner's acting chops to the test in a fun and sexy way. Consider this the ultimate roleplay, whether you stick to the prepared script or improvise. Your call.
If you want to dress up...
Fantasy is all about escape. So take the opportunity to be someone else in the bedroom the next time you and your partner are feeling playful.
6. Boss and Employee: According to a 2017 study conducted by dating service EliteSingles, 56% of women and 61 percent of men have sexual fantasies about co-workers. Play out that fantasy out with your partner (and keep your job!) by grabbing your office outfit, pretending you're at your desk, and letting your partner show you what it means to work overtime.
7 . Nurse: A naughty nurse’s outfit can definitely be sexy. Get into character by examining your partner’s body from head to toe. 'Then, explore various erogenous zones and ask the "patient" for feedback on what feels better—a nip, a lick, or a caress?' Cadell says.
8. Police Officer: Using a pair of handcuffs for restraint could be exciting, followed by a body search and punishment to fit the crime.
9. Sports players: Is your boo a pro sports fan? Grab a jersey for your partner and referee outfit for you (or vice-versa). When you get home, get ready to call all the plays.
10. Dominatrix: 'It [can help people] feel uninhibited and more confident sexually when their lover is blindfolded,' Cadell says. If that's you, then why not try to bring out your inner dominatrix during your next date night with your S.O.?
11. Personal trainer: Does working out turn you on? Bring that energy into the bedroom by grabbing your partner and demanding they give you 10 reps...of the move of your choosing.
12. Professor and student: This roleplay sitch allows you to play with power dynamics, and there's no requirement that the teacher be in control. You can even pretend one partner is a graduated student returning to their old school for a long-overdue romp...
If you're looking for a thrill...
What many of Rapini's couples say they crave in their fantasies is 'deviant or on the fringe behaviour. 'So the next time you're itching to get caught in the act, try one of these scandalous activities.
13. Have sex outside: 'Take a walk on the wild side and roleplay exhibitionism and public sex,' Cadell says. Sneak away with your partner to a secluded place where you won’t get caught, and have at it. 'The rush of being outdoors just might be an intoxicating adventure you’ll never forget,' Cadell says.
14. Join the mile high club: A 2016 survey from Stratos Jet Charters polled 2,000 people and found that almost 17 percent have already done something sexual on a flight—and 52% had fantasised about it. So why not join the club?
15. Try it on a boat. If you're going to tackle land and air, why not try the sea, too? There's something about that misty ocean breeze that really gets people hot and bothered. Plus, you know what they say about 'the motion of the ocean.'
16. Have sex with a stranger: Well, kind of! 'Set up a seduction scenario with your partner at a local bar, and be sure to arrive separately,' Cadell says. Then it's all about the pursuit. Maybe they drop a pickup line or send over a drink from the other side of the bar. 'Let the actor inside fuel this fantasy,' Cadell says.
17. Have a threesome: One in seven Americans have had a threesome, according to a 2015 study. What's more, one in five find them appealing. So if you've been thinking about bringing another person into the bedroom, you're not alone. Just be mindful of the experts' earlier tips. And make sure it's something both you and your partner want to do.
18. Participate in group sex: Ditto, all of the above. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page, and keep safety and consent in mind. If you want to do this somewhere where there may be other couples who share your interest in consensual non-monogamy, trying heading to a sex resort.
19. Make a sex tape: Cadell gives this one two thumbs up. 'Grab your movie camera and act out a porn scene by filming you and your lover as porn stars,' she says. And then after, set up your tripod or connect your camera to the TV so you can watch your moves (make sure the kids aren't around!). Just make sure to remain playful when doing something like this, Rapini says.
If you like being watched...
Maybe your partner does too? There's only one way to find out...
20. Be voyeuristic: In a 2016 study from The Journal of Sex Research, 46% of the people surveyed were into watching people have sex. So if you're into this too, try going to a nude beach or a sex show with your partner.
21. Be an exhibitionist: Feeling really bold? The next time you're in the grocery store wearing your favoute skirt, lock eyes with your partner and slowly remove your underwear.
22. Watch each other masturbate: Cadell recommends combining this fantasy with a sex tape. 'Be the director and direct your lover in a masturbation scene,' she says. That way you're checking off two fantasy boxes.
23. Bring in the vibrators: Rapini recommends this one all the time. 'If your partner has a fantasy about vibrators or inviting them into love making with your vibrator, I think that's something that can enhance your sex life,' she says. Your partner will get to know all the right places.
24. Put on a strip tease: One by one, take off an article of clothing as your partner watches you from across the room (Think: Blair Waldorf at Victrola in Gossip Girl. You know the scene!)
25. Go to the strip club: Here's a fun one, but it does depend on how secure you are in your relationship. Do you get jealous when your partner looks at another woman? Or will you unleash your inner Ramona from Hustlers and get on the pole? (With permission, of course.)
26. Explore squirting: This might be easier said that done for some, but you may discover nothing is hotter than having your partner watching you in full glory.
If you want to take control...
Then give BDSM a try. Just make sure you've had an honest conversation with your partner about it first, making sure to discuss what it is, what you want, and how far you're willing to go.
27. Grab the paddle: You don't need to go full 50 Shades on your partner, but if both of you have been fantasising about spanking or being spanked, go for it!
28. Use a blindfold: This is a common one for Rapini's clients, especially during oral sex. There's something about one person in control and the other being completely surprised that really turns couples on. If that's you, grab the blindfold and give it a try.
If you like to be tempted or teased...
Sometimes it's doing everything but sex that really turns Rapini's clients on. And there are plenty of fun ways to tempt and tease.
29. Wear a sexy pair of heels: Does your partner have a thing for shoes, or maybe red heels in particular? Rapini knows several clients who do. So the next time you're at the mall, invest in a killer pair of pumps, she says. And when you're sitting across from them at the dinner table, slowly glide the tip of your shoe up and down their legs. Then watch them squirm (hehe!)
30. Bring in the body chocolate: Are you into oral stimulation? You're not alone, Rapini says. 'A lot of partners are very oral,' Rapini says. 'They have fantasies of licking chocolate off their partner's body.' Why else do you think chocolate-flavored body paint exists? Go buy some and get to licking.
What are the benefits of sexual fantasies?
So, why experiment with sexual fantasies anyway? Well, according to Miller: 'The largest sexual organ is actually the brain, so often where sex needs to start is in your head.'
Apart from keeping you creative in the bedroom, per Wright, sexual fantasies are what get the body revved up for actual sex. 'As often as people want to think that sexual experiences are instantaneous, so many people do not experience it that way,' says Miller. In fact, 'responsive desire is normal and common.'
The next time a sexual fantasy creeps up, just know that it's your brain at work to keep you sexually healthy and exploring. It might benefit you to answer to the call – who knows what levels of pleasure you might unlock.
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