20 women tell us the one thing they wish they'd known sooner
The right words, at the right time, can change the course of a life. Which is why, this International Women's Day, we've asked some of our favourite women to share the one thing they wish they'd known sooner. From the words of wisdom that spared them a little heartbreak, to the discovery that set them on a path to a new career, here they reveal all...
… there's no formula for success
by Kit De Waal, author
‘In my career, I wish I’d known that there’s no formula for success. There is no, “This plus this, minus that, multiplied by whatever equals bestseller.” When I first started writing, I’d read every interview with famous writers looking for their method, their tips, their routine and think, “If I follow her, I’ll make it,” or “If I write at 5am, all my writing will be great.”
Actually, you can only be the writer you are, bringing to the craft your own way of working, your own way of looking at the world and your own experience. It’s not that you don’t take advice, but at the end of the day, there is no formula. There’s only you.’
The Best Of Everything by Kit de Waal (Tinder Press) is out 10th April
... saying no is the ultimate form of self-love
by Millie Mackintosh, lifestyle influencer and entrepreneur
'It's taken me time to realise that choosing to say no to something that isn't serving you anymore is the ultimate self-love sacrifice. It’s never too late to change, or walk away from something, despite what you feel people may think of you, because your happiness is what matters most.’
Bad Drunk by Millie Mackintosh with Dr Ellie Cannon (Piatkus) is out now
… you can’t change the past, but you can lean to a particular future
by Corinne Bailey Rae, musician
‘You can’t change the past, you can only choose how you view the present and lean towards a particular future. At the saddest times, I’ve told myself, “You will be happy again”, and at the same time, I felt there was a voice giving me this advice.
Time, linear time, is weird and you get more into that as you get older. When I look back at my life, I realise everything that’s happened has led me to this place. What else? Being a mother is not retiring from art.’
... good relationships are built on independence
by Samantha Cameron, founder & creative director of Cefinn
‘It’s important to maintain your independence and individuality (and support your partner to do the same!). We’ve found the key to making it work is mutual respect and kindness.’
… we can bond without cloning
by Tiffany Watt Smith, historian and writer
‘I recently learned a useful phrase from the psychotherapist Susie Orbach: bonding without cloning. We often point out similar experiences to get close to people and gain their trust (“Oh, I know what you mean, I went through exactly the same thing when…”), and sharing experiences can be powerful.
But the desire to feel the same as someone else (“cloning”) can ultimately isolate us, especially at work, where we need to connect with people from different generations and backgrounds. Orbach suggests that phrases such as, “I don’t know what that’s like, why don’t you tell me?” can create more enduring bonds.’
Bad Friend: A Century Of Revolutionary Friendships by Tiffany Watt Smith (Faber) is out 24th April
...it's exhausting to hide a part of ourselves
by Sabrina Cohen-Hatton, firefighter and psychologist
‘I wish I’d known that it’s OK to be vulnerable. I experienced homelessness as a teenager and found it difficult to talk about because I was afraid of being judged.
It's taken me a long time to appreciate that even though it’s hard to talk about, it’s also exhausting to hide part of yourself, and when you do find the courage to share, it can inspire others to be more open. It’s how we create meaningful connections with each other.’
The Gender Bias by Sabrina Cohen-Hatton (Blink) is out now
... having kids will break you (and make you)
by Joeli Brearley, author and speaker and founder of Pregnant Then Screwed
'Before I had children, I expected motherhood to be similar to non-motherhood, but with a small human. The reality was it turned my life upside down in every way – I got kicked out of my job, the sleepless nights drove me insane, my relationship with my partner completely changed and I lost myself.
No one told me it would be as hard as it was, but nothing could have prepared me for the fierce, unyielding, primal love I felt for my child. It transcended everything and made me a better version of myself. And while I lost my job because I dared to procreate, it was that devastating moment that fuelled my career.'
... winning is holding your head high, even when you lose
by Baroness Floella Benjamin
‘You may not see it when you’re young, but everything happens for a reason and every disappointment is an appointment with something better.
So, as time goes by, never give up; feel worthy, hold hope in your heart and keep smiling, because winners smile.'
... our 'why' is the foundation of everything we do
by Ella Mills, founder of Deliciously Ella
‘Starting a business is all-consuming – it takes over your life, pushes you to your limits and there’s relentless pressure and stress, so understanding my why, or my purpose, earlier would have definitely helped.
Products, services and strategies will evolve, but the authenticity of why you started must stay unshakeable. My advice is to write your mission down and make it the foundation of everything you do. Find your why, hold on to it tightly and let it guide you through every high and low.’
Ella Mills is founder of Deliciously Ella and Plants by Deliciously Ella and the host of new podcast The Wellness Scoop
... repair is more important than avoiding rupture
by Lorraine Candy, author and podcaster
‘I wish I’d known that repair is more important than avoiding rupture when it comes to parenting teens. I was 46 when the first of my four children hit her teens and my pre-menopausal hormones, combined with her adolescent development, made for a lot of conflict.
But actually, repair is a learning curve; it’s what helps make most families more harmonious, and a teen matures from it. It’s a bit like when our muscles tear during exercise, then repair themselves to become stronger. I’ve realised that it’s OK to have the occasional row; it’s the loving repair after that’s extremely important.’
The Parent Pod with Lorraine Candy is available on The Times’ YouTube channel
… we can learn to be bolder
by Reeta Chakrabarti, broadcaster
‘I was a very unoriginal teenager, shy and self-conscious. Now that I’m of a mature vintage, I wish my younger self had been bolder. It’s something that I’ve learned – had to learn – during the course of my career, and when I talk with younger colleagues now, I urge them to say yes to new challenges, even if they’re quaking with nerves inside.’
Finding Belle by Reeta Chakrabarti (HarperCollins) is out 8th May
...we all bring something unique to the table
by Sara Davies, entrepreneur
'I wish I'd known, both on a personal level and in my career, that I am enough. As a young female who, being from the North East, spoke a certain way, I was often underestimated and felt that I had to prove myself a lot of the time.
To overcompensate, I would dress in all these serious, bland powersuits to make sure that I got the attention I deserved. Now, I've come to the realisation the people I'm in a room with are lucky to have me because I bring something unique to the table, and that I can wear whatever the heck I want!'
The Six-Minute Entrepreneur by Sara Davies (Torva) is out 13th March
… there’s never a perfect time and it’s never too late
by Melissa Hemsley, chef and food writer
‘You’re never too old and it’s never too late. I’ve always regretted not going to university, but it never seemed like the right time. Eventually, aged 39 and with a new baby in tow, I realised there’s never going to be a perfect time, so I signed up.
It’s a serious financial investment and a real juggle, but my brain is alive in a way that it hasn’t been for years. I’m just about to do my first exams for 20 years!'
Real Healthy: Unprocess Your Diet With Easy Everyday Recipes by Melissa Hemsley (Ebury) is out now
… we can be loved for our quirks
by Beth O’Leary, author
‘A person should love you because of, not in spite of. Your quirks will delight someone. If they don’t – if the one you love makes you feel small, less, inferior – know that you deserve to find the person who’s waiting out there in the world, ready to truly adore you.’
Swept Away by Beth O’Leary (Quercus) is out 8th April
… we know our own bodies better than anyone else does
by Naga Munchetty, broadcaster
‘I received an adenomyosis diagnosis after years of being ignored and gaslit. For anyone struggling to be taken seriously by a medical professional, keep asking questions and don’t worry about wasting anyone’s time. Your health is important, your pain is real and you know what’s “normal” for your body better than anyone else does.’
It’s Probably Nothing: Critical Conversations On The Women’s Health Crisis by Naga Munchetty (Thorsons) is out 8th May
…we can lead with love
by Molly Goddard, Co-founder of Desmond & Dempsey
‘I’ll borrow a piece of advice from my mentor: lead with love. For years, I tried hard to be the Badass Business Woman, a speedy replier on email, spreadsheet-savvy, disciplined and a focused manager.
But I’ve learned that actually, I don’t like managing – I don’t live for it or excel at it. What I do enjoy is being a leader: I have great instincts, understand the big picture quickly and enjoy motivating a team. At home it's the same: I’ll never have an up-to-date family calendar, meal plan or tidy house, but when I forget the organisation and lean into play, we all have a better time.’
... purpose can be external as well as internal
by Poppy Okotcha, horticulturalist
'In my mid 20s, I had a conversation with my grandma, who told me that life is about service; that if we all give to and take care of others, everyone will be well. I think I'd been looking for purpose in a self-centred way before then, wondering what I should be doing or getting from life.
After that chat, I started to search for what I could give to the world instead. I do believe that service is an underrated form of self care; we shouldn't worry too much about what life should look like, but find a purpose rooted in our values and follow it wholeheartedly.'
A Wilder Way: How Gardens Grow Us by Poppy Okotcha (Bloomsbury) is out 24th April
... there's no right way to do anything
by Rebecca Adlington MBE
'I wish I'd realised that we're all figuring it out as we go along in life. Whether that’s in work or relationships, being a parent... there's no instruction manual for anything and we’re all winging it, trying to find the best way.'
Rebecca Adlington is working with the UK’s number one immunity brand, Sambucol
…the best is yet to come
by Thea Green, founder of Nails Inc.
‘For me, “the best is yet to come” means taking a longer-term view on success, whether it’s work, family or even keeping up with your fitness routine – a bad day is just a bad day. Dust yourself off and go again; you’ve always got more in the tank. Get a good night’s sleep and go again tomorrow.’
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