20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (July 9-15)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I was in the middle of lecturing my husband about not leaving empty cans on the counter when I realized it was my can, but he let me finish the lecture anyway. This is true love
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 14, 2024
I was in the middle of lecturing my husband about not leaving empty cans on the counter when I realized it was my can, but he let me finish the lecture anyway. This is true love
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 14, 2024 ">
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 13, 2024
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 13, 2024 ">
Marriage is just texting each other “Do you need anything from the store?” until one of you dies.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 11, 2024
Marriage is just texting each other “Do you need anything from the store?” until one of you dies.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 11, 2024 ">
I spent all day cleaning and organizing the house and my husband had the gall to let the kids back inside after camp
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 10, 2024
I spent all day cleaning and organizing the house and my husband had the gall to let the kids back inside after camp
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 10, 2024 ">
My husband will refuse to take medicine for a headache or ailment like he's some kind of martyr. I'm not sure if he knows you don't win awards for suffering through symptoms.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 10, 2024
My husband will refuse to take medicine for a headache or ailment like he's some kind of martyr. I'm not sure if he knows you don't win awards for suffering through symptoms.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 10, 2024 ">
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) July 15, 2024
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) July 15, 2024 ">
The kids have been gone for 2 days now. If I've learned anything these past 2 days it's that it's my wife who is leaving crumbs and messes on the kitchen counter.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 9, 2024
The kids have been gone for 2 days now. If I've learned anything these past 2 days it's that it's my wife who is leaving crumbs and messes on the kitchen counter.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 9, 2024 ">
Last night my husband went on a 10-minute rant about something and I accidentally zoned out and just started robotically saying "oh wow" and "totally" and when he finished he said so sincerely "you did a good job just listening and not trying to fix it." Really proud of myself.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 9, 2024
Last night my husband went on a 10-minute rant about something and I accidentally zoned out and just started robotically saying "oh wow" and "totally" and when he finished he said so sincerely "you did a good job just listening and not trying to fix it." Really proud of myself.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 9, 2024 ">
To accommodate the size of my wife's new water bottle we've replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 10, 2024
To accommodate the size of my wife's new water bottle we've replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 10, 2024 ">
“You’re an old lady! You have to come immediately when I call you, every time!” - my wife explaining human anxiety to our senior cat
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) July 13, 2024
“You’re an old lady! You have to come immediately when I call you, every time!” - my wife explaining human anxiety to our senior cat
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) July 13, 2024 ">
My daughter goes to college in a month so naturally my wife has 47 different futons in her Amazon cart right now.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 15, 2024
My daughter goes to college in a month so naturally my wife has 47 different futons in her Amazon cart right now.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 15, 2024 ">
Stages of marriage:
1. I’m going to love you unconditionally
2. Oh no— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 10, 2024
Stages of marriage:
1. I’m going to love you unconditionally
2. Oh no
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 10, 2024 ">
1. I’m going to love you unconditionally
2. Oh no
MY WIFE IS STILL SLEEPING AND I HAVE TO SNEEZE THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL FOR ME
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 9, 2024
MY WIFE IS STILL SLEEPING AND I HAVE TO SNEEZE THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL FOR ME
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 9, 2024 ">
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:— LorazeKim ™ 🏴☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🏁 (@_KimberleyAnna) July 15, 2024
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
— LorazeKim ™ 🏴☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🏁 (@_KimberleyAnna) July 15, 2024 ">
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Passionate lovemaking with my husband? Not now baby, A Knight’s Tale is on
— Bitch Wife/Girlboss/Girl Bitch (@husbandfuck3r) July 12, 2024
Passionate lovemaking with my husband? Not now baby, A Knight’s Tale is on
— Bitch Wife/Girlboss/Girl Bitch (@husbandfuck3r) July 12, 2024 ">
19 years of marriage and I just discovered that my wife hates cotton candy. What kind of monster did I marry??
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 10, 2024
19 years of marriage and I just discovered that my wife hates cotton candy. What kind of monster did I marry??
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 10, 2024 ">
My husband asked me what was for dinner & I said ‘reservations’ because no one warned me I’d be in charge of meals until I die.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 10, 2024
My husband asked me what was for dinner & I said ‘reservations’ because no one warned me I’d be in charge of meals until I die.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 10, 2024 ">
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that's because it's tequila.
me: that explains why I'm naked
target cashier:— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 14, 2024
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that's because it's tequila.
me: that explains why I'm naked
target cashier:
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 14, 2024 ">
wife: that's because it's tequila.
me: that explains why I'm naked
target cashier:
Me: Want to go to a baseball game with me?
Wife: No I don't like baseball.
Me: I don't like The Crown but I had to watch all 50 episodes. Twice.— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) July 14, 2024
Me: Want to go to a baseball game with me?
Wife: No I don't like baseball.
Me: I don't like The Crown but I had to watch all 50 episodes. Twice.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) July 14, 2024 ">
Wife: No I don't like baseball.
Me: I don't like The Crown but I had to watch all 50 episodes. Twice.
My husband has an extreme ick trigger when it comes to eating after someone, even me.
Cue the last slice of cheesecake. I saved him half and placed my fork on the plate. I watched him walk into the kitchen to get a “clean” fork. I said, “You can’t have it if you don’t use my…— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 11, 2024
My husband has an extreme ick trigger when it comes to eating after someone, even me.
Cue the last slice of cheesecake. I saved him half and placed my fork on the plate. I watched him walk into the kitchen to get a “clean” fork. I said, “You can’t have it if you don’t use my…
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 11, 2024 ">
Cue the last slice of cheesecake. I saved him half and placed my fork on the plate. I watched him walk into the kitchen to get a “clean” fork. I said, “You can’t have it if you don’t use my…
