Follow these 10 steps to enjoy a successful first date, say relationship experts
Valentine's Day is synonymous with cookie-cutter Hallmark bouquets and swirly-fonted sentiments showered upon established significant others or best friends. But for those who are single, it's also a time to embark on an event that runs the gamut from exciting and nerve-wracking to dull and disappointing: a first date. Whether you're putting yourself out there anew or have been swiping for longer than you'd care to remember, there are some principles that transcend age, life stage and situation.
Professional dating coaches set aside first-date nerves with advice that helps you relax, have fun and be present.
Meet the experts: Sarah Louise Ryan is a professional matchmaker and relationship expert who has been working with singles for 14 years. Rachel New is a dating and relationships coach and psychology teacher with training in life coaching.
1. Remind yourself of what you have to offer
It's cliché, but a lot of the work happens before the date itself. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but Sarah emphasises the importance of 'feeling content and fulfilled' in your own right and, as New continues, 'reminding yourself of what you have to offer'.
She highlights the old favourite of 'engaging in hobbies and interests' that you enjoy when you're single and that build up your self-esteem. 'People make better decisions when they are happy and content,' she says. 'They date when they feel ready, not when they feel lonely.'
That will ensure you approach the date with a relaxed, confident attitude, notes Sarah. 'You'll be far more likely to enjoy the process, whether it leads to something more long term or just a great conversation.'
2. Get clear on the kind of relationship you'd like to attract
Again, the steps taken before you even get to the meet up are arguably just as important. Sarah advises 'getting clear on the kind of relationship you’d like to attract and build', from establishing your core values and goals that you'd like them to share, to characteristics and personality traits you feel you'd be most compatible with. This way you’ll be more certain if the person you’re on a date with feels right for you. 'Clarity is key so you can enjoy the process', she says.
3. Give yourself plenty of time to get ready
When it comes to preparing for the occasion, Sarah suggests giving yourself lots of time so you don't feel panicked or rushed, and you so build in buffer time to account for any last-minute changes.
Wear something you feel comfortable and confident in – that means ideally no testing new shoes you haven't broken in, or a complicated top or dress with lots of straps, zips or sections – so you can focus on the connection rather than arranging your outfit. The same applies when it comes to makeup: use products you know work for you, rather than whipping out a whole new beauty look you'll need to be touching up each hour.
4. Choose an activity that encourages conversation
Plan to do something that encourages interactivity and conversation, Saraj notes, such as a cooking class, quiz night, or even a comedy show, rather than something more subdued, like a movie. This will take the pressure off you and the date and give you a way to get to know each other throughout the day or evening. If you don’t feel the connection, at least you tried something new and made a new memory.
5. Keep it short
On a first date, it’s a good idea to have coffee or drinks rather than dinner, notes Rachel, so you’re not too invested. 'Plan for the date to last about 90 mins and clarify when you’ll have to leave,' she advises. 'Even if it’s going well, less is more – and then you can reflect on what you liked about them after and figure out whether you want to meet up again.'
Sarah agrees: 'It's better to leave with your date wanting a second meeting, rather than letting the conversation fizzle out.' Even if you're on the fence, leave and then make a second date. 'First-date jitters can sometimes muddy the waters in how we feel the connection unfolded.'
6. Go with an open mind
Focus on having a good time and embracing the experience with an open mind, suggests Sarah, rather than worrying about this developing into a relationship or creating pressure about whether they are 'the one'.
New also warns against putting them on a pedestal. 'Of course they can be likeable and right for you, but beware of building up a romantic ideal that doesn’t live up to reality – you’re dating a human with imperfections.'
7. Put your phone away!
Nothing kills the conversation faster than a person who is constantly checking their phone, reminds Sarah. Be present in getting to know this person. That goes for setting the date in the first place, too. Minimise texting, skip the endless thumb tapping and meet up in person.
8. Keep the conversation light
Avoid the top three prickly topics: politics, religion and exes, says Sarah. And save the marriage and kids conversation for another date.
Instead, ask questions, like, 'What truly brings you joy?', 'What are you working on that’s exciting?' and 'What’s the best holiday you’ve ever been on?' to ensure everyone feels engaged. Make it clear to them what your passions, interests and hobbies are – happiness is the most attractive trait in a person in dating.
Aim for a balance of talking and listening and stay focused on finding out as much as you can about each other, continues Rachel. That said, don't feel pressure to be unnatural or overly accommodating. Sometimes, we focus on keeping the conversation going or adapting to the other person too much just to make the date enjoyable for them – but then we don’t get to be ourselves.
9. Be aware of your body language
Eighty per cent of our initial impressions of people are based on warmth, highlights Sarah. 'Keep your arms uncrossed, lean in slightly, eye contact as much as possible and be engaging.'
10. Create a 'shared reality'
Research shows that what creates a healthy connection is finding what psychologists call 'shared reality', says Rachel. This means finding out that 'you're the same kind of weird' and bonding and laughing about unusual things you have in common and shared emotions or experiences.
'Empathy, warmth and a bit of vulnerability create that connection by giving the other person permission to open up', she notes. 'It might feel risky, but research shows those are rated as the most satisfying dates and they’re more likely to lead to another date.'
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