Women Are Sharing The “Icks” About Men They Ignored Which Ended Up Getting Way, Way Worse
Recently, I asked the women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what "icks" and red flags they ignored while dating that ended up getting WAY worse. Here are some of their responses, as well as comments from Reddit users:
1."This may sound like basic personal cleanliness but NOT using soap to wash their hands. I kid you not, the last two guys (both men in their 40s) never used soap to wash their hands. I always, ALWAYS use soap when I wash my hands, no matter what!!! I just think it’s the norm to use soap, but apparently I was completely wrong. Both of these guys also turned out to be abusive narcissists, so now I’m super cautious about it and will ask flat out if guys use soap because I feel like if he thinks basic hygiene is society trying to control him, he will be a narcissist. Both guys believed that it was not their actions spreading germs. Huge red flags!!!"
2."When I first met him, he talked a lot about himself and talked himself up a lot. I thought he was a little full of himself, but it wasn't extreme, so I wasn't too put off by it. Once we were in a relationship though, he would talk up all the stuff he did while devaluing the stuff I did. He would literally spend all day playing video games while I worked and would still say how much he did for me and that I should be doing more for him. And after meeting his mom, I understood where his mindset came from."
—Anonymous, 32, US
3."When I was 15, I was dating an 18-year-old high school dropout. He told me he loved me after a few weeks and freaked out when I didn’t say it back. My mom tried to warn me that it was too soon for the big L word. He would emotionally manipulate me and would break up with me just to see my reaction. It escalated to abuse and stalking."
4."His cocaine addiction. He told me on the first night, 'Oh, I just do a little here and there,' except ‘here and there’ was almost daily."
5."I thought a store I needed to go to would be open (those were their posted hours), but he thought it would be closed. He was right. I laughed and told him he had called it correctly. He then wanted me to apologize. I’m serious when I say it was just a small thing. We hadn’t argued and there were no big consequences of the store being closed early. I couldn’t understand what he needed an apology for. I apologized and he was still mad for two days. I married him anyway and he ended up being an emotional and physical abuser. I left his ass."
6."My first husband. He hadn’t dated much, and about six months after the wedding, he began to talk about all the women at work who were crazy about him and how lucky I was to have him. 'You’d never find anyone better than me' was a frequent comment. This tore me up and I left after a few years. Do not marry someone who hasn’t experienced dating or has low self-esteem with a lot to prove."
7."He told me a story about how his family would put their snake in a candy bin and dare people to stick their hands in to grab candy. His mom disputed this and I was like, 'Ew, that's kinda a weird thing to lie about,' but I ignored it. Turns out he was a compulsive liar who lied to me about the tiniest things throughout the entirety of our relationship."
8."'You're too good for me' guys always leave me for a lesser woman. No shade and no hate. At first, I thought it was a cute compliment, but really they exposed themselves. They were honestly telling me 'you're out of my league' and left to play JV."
9."My dad was the first one to get the ick. My ex insisted on meeting my dad on the FIRST date. He then told my dad he would 'take good care of me' while we were out. Both of us were in college, and my dad is super progressive. My dad was put off by that comment. He ended up being a controlling freeloader who thought he was god's gift to mankind."
10."Not giving a straight answer for almost anything. He turned out to be a massive gaslighter."
11."If y’all spend money differently, don’t think it’s going to change after you're married. Financial reasons are the number one reason people get divorced, and if you aren’t on the same page now, you most likely won’t be in 5, 10, or 15 years either."
12."The way he treats OTHER people, not just me. That is, he was good to me early on — because he wanted to impress me. The poor treatment came later. So the lesson I learned is to watch how he (or she) treats OTHER people. Since they’re not trying to impress them, you can spot their true colors much more easily that way. Watch how they treat their friends, family, coworkers, etc. You’re looking for a pattern of behavior."
13."He always left dishes piled up in the sink until mold grew and didn't really pick up his clothes. It turns out, that mommy did everything for him, so he never thought much about it. I should have realized this wasn't going to change when we moved in together."
14."Being a nice guy can also have its downfalls. Avoiding conflict at all costs, even saying sorry when it isn’t truly meant, solves nothing. Something inside of him truly believes he can do no wrong, because he’s so nice, right?! Wrong. Turns out he believes he’s so nice so when he does something wrong, it’s all my fault, or it’s all my fault for not immediately accepting his sorry, and then he gets abusive because he believes he deserves to be forgiven on his terms. Not so nice after all."
15."Extreme jealousy. I dated someone who watched my house, tried to trace my calls, and wouldn't let me see anyone but him."
16."On our first date, he mentioned that every one of his past relationships resulted in him at the police station because all of his ex-girlfriends were 'crazy.' He said he wanted someone 'normal' for a change. I should've realized he was the common denominator in all of those incidents."
17.And finally, "Persistence. At first, I was flattered that he didn’t just ignore my 'no' to dating him or my not answering the phone if I was upset. Persistence meant he cared! People who 'don’t care' just never mind it. Probably the MOST incorrect thing I ever believed. Persistence can be a red flag. Refusing to let you leave it at 'no' is a consent issue. Refusing to let you make the choice to not talk right now is a control issue. This is a sign this human doesn’t respect boundaries or consent. At first, five missed calls after a bicker is kinda charming. 15 years later, it’s threats to your life if you don’t answer now! NEVER mistake persistence for 'caring.' The only thing a human should ever persist on you is taking care of yourself. Any other reason is for their self-gain."
Do you have any other red flags that you'd add to this list? Let us know in the comments below.
Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
