Woman Wonders If She Is Wrong for Forcing Boyfriend to Choose Between Living with Her or His Brother

One woman is ready to give her boyfriend an ultimatum.

The 25-year-old woman revealed in a recent post on Reddit's "Am I the A------?" forum that she wants to get a place with her boyfriend, but he has one major holdback.

The girlfriend wrote that she and her boyfriend, 27, have been dating for two years. She expressed interest in the two of them looking "for a new place together" once his lease is up in a few months. However, her boyfriend lives with his younger brother, 26, and is worried about leaving him.

Calling the brother Ty, the poster explained that Ty had a tough transition from living with his parents. Therefore, her boyfriend has been doing all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. Ty, meanwhile, does not express appreciation for his brother’s work and "gets angry when it isn’t done."

The woman said her boyfriend has tried to "set boundaries," but it always causes tensions.

She claimed that she has a "good relationship" with Ty but does not like cleaning up after him when she is at their place. "I could see myself becoming resentful after being treated like someone’s maid & cook for too long," she wrote.

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Ty also has religious and political options that are "very different" from her and her boyfriend. The couple prefer to not approach the topics with Ty, but she claimed that he "likes to pick fights about controversial topics" with her boyfriend which sometimes leads to "hours" of arguing.

"He’s entitled to his opinion, but we don’t want to argue every week," she wrote. "Tied to Ty’s political/religious beliefs are his views on women. When I’m over there, I often get sexist comments about 'my place in the house/relationship.' "

Ultimately, the girlfriend does not want to live with Ty, but her boyfriend is worried that his brother will not be able to afford their apartment without a roommate as he only makes minimum wage. She wrote that it would also be hard to find an "affordable bachelor" for him.

"Ty is pretty anti-social and doesn’t have friends he could room with," she said, adding that he only socializes with her, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s friends.

Unable to agree about what to do next, the woman is ready to give her boyfriend an ultimatum between living with her or his brother. She is concerned that she is being "unfair" but feels like she has "no other choice."

People in the comments were quick to reassure the poster that she is not in the wrong. However, while cautioning her against moving in with her boyfriend and his brother, many expressed that giving an ultimatum is not her only option.

One person suggested that she waits "a year or two before approaching the subject again" if the boyfriend decides not to move in with only her.

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"It’ll ruin your relationship if you move in with both him and his brother. You’ll end up as a third wheel sometimes, and the brother will end up as the third wheel other times," they wrote. "It will be a balance struggle at all times. Your relationship will likely not make it long term. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just unlikely."

Another suggested "setting a boundary" with her boyfriend rather than giving him an ultimatum.

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"Tell your [boyfriend] that you love him and will be happy to live together with him as a couple," the person wrote. "If he is not ready you can wait (set the time frame) but you also will understand if he believes that looking after his brother is his priority right now. Step aside and watch. Whatever is your bf's choice, it will reflect the realistic balance of power, and hierarchy of important people in his life. Save your precious time and move on from there."

A third echoed the previous comments, saying, "Don’t move in with the brother. It wouldn’t be good for you, which wouldn’t be good for your boyfriend, and none of this is good for his brother."

They went on to write that her boyfriend "is doing his brother a disservice by practically taking over the parental role," adding that he needs to learn those survival skills for himself.

The person suggested that roommates may be helpful for the brother as they would hold him accountable for his actions.

"Your boyfriend could be that roommate for him, but they’ve already fallen into a pattern, and it’ll be far harder to break that," the commenter wrote. "Unless you boyfriend is planning on living with and parenting his brother for the rest of his life, he’ll have to stop it at some point, and sooner is better than later for both of them."

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