A Woman Has Turned To The Internet For Advice After Accidentally Ruining Her Boyfriend With Autism's "Safe Food"
Recently, a woman went viral on the r/amitheasshole subreddit after asking if she'd made a mistake by telling her boyfriend, who's been diagnosed with autism, that his favorite stew contained tomato paste.
User stewlessinseattle said in her post, "My boyfriend loves stew; he wants to eat it every day for every meal. His favorite stew is beef tips and vegetables from a local place, but it’s really expensive. Like $47 for a big bowl (they don’t do small orders for takeout), and leftovers gross him out, so more than half of it gets wasted. We’ve had a couple of arguments about it; he says I don’t understand his brain; I say he doesn’t understand our budget."
"Recently, I looked up some recipes, including doing a dissection of the takeout soup, and tried my hand at making a home-cooked replacement for stew night. He loved it for a few days, and then one night, he was hanging out with me in the kitchen and saw me put tomato paste into the pot. He was really upset and demanded that I make the soup without the paste.
I told him it wouldn’t taste the same, and he said it would be better because he hates tomatoes, and they’re not a safe food for him. So I made the soup with no tomato paste and big surprise — something felt off about it to him.
Instead of admitting that the tomato paste was necessary, he threw a fit and told me he didn’t want home-cooked food anymore if I was going to 'play with him' and not take his safe foods seriously. He thinks I changed more than just the tomato paste in an effort to get him to admit he was wrong."
"$400 in stew orders later, I had an idea to ask the chef when we were picking up the order if there were any tomato products in the stew, and lo and behold, there is tomato in the recipe, fucking tomato paste. In my mind, this was great because I thought he would get over it if he knew his original perfect stew had tomato paste, like, 'Oh, I guess tomato paste isn’t so bad then,' but it was the exact opposite."
"He walked out of the restaurant without saying anything and then refused to eat the stew that night and hasn’t ordered it again, and he’s been ignoring me while sulking around the house, using his whiny voice a lot, and slamming things. His sister also texted me to tell me I’m a selfish asshole for needing to 'get back at him' by taking his favorite food away."
"I literally just wanted to stop spending insane amounts of money on stew. I wasn’t trying to hurt him or ruin his life. I’m not autistic; I can’t really wrap my head around caring this much about a single ingredient."
"I genuinely didn’t see this reaction coming. We’ve been together for four years, and he’s only had three other fits like this; the other ones were pretty reasonable. Those were also a little less intense and didn’t include input from his family. This is the first time anyone in his family has EVER spoken to me like this. So I’ve been back and forth between 'y'all are overreacting' and 'what have I done.'"
"Am I the asshole? It sounds so dumb when I write it all out, but living it has made me feel physically sick with regret. I can’t think straight anymore."
She also added the answers to a few questions the commenters had. "The stew place is a catering place with a mini-restaurant, so every time we order takeout, we’re ordering a catering amount pretty much. It’s not stew made of gold. We order from there 2-3 nights a week; it’s not the only thing he eats. It’s just the top five foods for him; he doesn’t eat this unreasonably every single day. He has a job and contributes with money; I’m not funding his entire diet. We mix money, so even though 'he' pays for the meal half the time, it still feels like 'we’re' losing money. He works part-time, and I work full-time; bills are probably split 70 [her] - 30 [him]."
Many commenters who have autism felt she had done nothing wrong. "Not the asshole," said user PinkLocomatic. "Just because he is autistic doesn’t mean he can’t get used to (the idea of) tomato sauce."
"I’m autistic too and have ARFID. I got therapy, and now I’m not scared of any new food anymore. He can work on this."
"Autistic adult here and you are not the asshole for having a problem with this," user CrazyCatLushie said. "That price is astounding, and it’s not OK for him to be spending this much this regularly, especially if the food in question is replicable at home! I would be thrilled if my partner tried to recreate my safe foods for me in a more affordable, accessible way."
"That’s a beautiful expression of consideration and care on your part...It’s one thing to struggle with food (very normal for autistic folks), and it’s another to struggle with emotional dysregulation (a hallmark of the disorder!), but as an adult, he needs to address these things. They might not be his fault, but they are his responsibility, full stop. Living on such a limited diet sounds like it would be very distressing, and it’s not just affecting him anymore; it’s affecting you, too — someone who loves him. It can’t stay this way."
User FakeNordicAlien said, "Not the asshole. I am autistic. I am very easily grossed out by food and frequently stop eating something I previously loved for reasons that probably seem insane to a lot of people, and sometimes no apparent reason other than it suddenly feels (or tastes, or smells, or looks, or even sounds) icky to me."
"You tried to do something nice, but it backfired. Now he’s disappointed. A reasonable reaction would be to ask you not to make the stew again (whether that’s giving it up totally or trying to make it himself) and to make sure not to put tomatoes in anything you make for him. A decent reaction would be to do that and thank you for trying, even though it didn’t turn out the way either of you hoped.
Disappointment sucks, but he’s way overreacting to the point of borderline abusiveness, even if he’s normally a good partner. Having his family call up to yell at you and slamming objects around is…very far from great. And, while I’m certainly not telling you what to do, a partner defaulting to assuming that my actions are malicious and dishonest would be a relationship killer for me personally."
"Not the asshole," said user leSomeBitch. "I am autistic, and that's maybe normal for an autistic child, but we absolutely can and do learn and grow. I eat a lot of the foods that were not safe to me as a child. If I'm in overwhelm I will revert back to safe foods, but in my day-to-day I've developed a varied and fun diet."
"Your boyfriend is an adult, and autism is not an excuse to treat others however we want. If he is acting badly it isn't because he's autistic, it's because he's choosing to act badly and doesn't care how it impacts you. You didn't ruin anything because I and any other autistics I know would react with, 'Wow, I can eat tomato paste if it's in a stew; awesome, I didn't think I'd ever be able to eat that!'"
User thirdmulligan said, "Not the asshole. Preface: I'm autistic. This isn't about autism. It's about budgeting, but actually, it's even more about the fact that he (and apparently his family) think you're knowingly, intentionally fucking with him. It's obvious from your writing that that isn't your intention at all, that you're horrified to have caused him pain, and that you're hurt that they believe that of you. That last point is what's getting missed in these other comments, and it's very valid."
"I'd be hella hurt if I were you. You are going so far out of your way to accommodate him, and he's still assigning you malicious motivations in his head and sending his family after you like flying monkeys. Absolutely unacceptable. If I were you, I'd feel like my partner wasn't seeing me, and that's an awful feeling.
Communication is the answer here. If you can get him to understand why you're hurt and come to some understanding/agreement that works for both of you, great. If the support of a couples counselor can help the process, do it. But if you can't even get him to stop demonizing you and care about YOUR feelings in the first place, then what are you doing with him? Find a partner that's more on your level. Wishing you luck and sending you strength. You've got this."
User superchanicat said, "Not the asshole. They say that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person."
"That being said, I am autistic. I have many food allergies AND food 'icks.' THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM PAYING $47 A BOWL FOR MY SAFE FOOD. No sirree, Bob. And to demand that you and your partner's budget handle that cost is absolutely the limit.
Were you a teensy bit mean about it? Yes. However, I get that you were super frustrated. You both need to sit down with a counselor who is very familiar with neurospicy people and get at least on the same chapter together, if not the same page. I wish y'all the best of luck going forward."
Others agreed that she was not the asshole but tried to give more context about where her boyfriend might be coming from. User Voidfishie said, "You are not the asshole, but it is really hard to express how upsetting it is to struggle with finding 'safe foods' and having one ruined this way."
"To intellectually know nothing about it has changed, but to be completely unable to stomach it because you have learned more about what is in it. To feel upset and angry and anxious and so so so stupid because it's still the same food! Why is the same food suddenly not OK when it was fine before? But it's just out of your control.
And with you having been together so long, I do understand him feeling this was malicious because he probably thinks you knew it would ruin it (as it did the homemade version), but he is still the asshole here because he is taking this out on you, presumably not believing you that your intention was actually to expand safe foods, and is bringing other people into it.
As his partner, it is great to support him in being able to eat in a way that works for him (which is a point many people here will probably say is too much effort or giving in or whatever), but that doesn't make it your responsibility to hide details like this from him. And it doesn't make it OK to treat you this way."
"Not the asshole," said user emmylouanne. "I am your boyfriend about a lot of foods, and I have found a lot of people try to do the 'gotcha' because I tell them I can’t eat onions, and they tell me what sauces onions are in. I eat the sauces and hope I don’t upset my stomach because life would be too miserable if I avoided all those foods."
"Personally, with my kind of autism, I find it weird that your boyfriend didn’t ask the restaurant straight away about what was in the stew. But it is a spectrum! You aren’t wrong, but he is allowed to be upset. I think it could be worth you asking yourself if this is what you want in your future, though, as there will be more meltdowns in the future."
User -acidlean- said, "Not the asshole, but as a fellow autistic I can understand his frustration. Let me explain it to you."
"Accepting that I do like something mango-related actually took me a few years, trials and errors (a lot of errors), kept me up at night wondering if I’m still the same person I knew all this time because I was 100% sure about my hate and disgust. It was hard to accept. But I eventually did. He probably has a hard time accepting that there is one thing on earth that he can accept and even love, that contains tomato paste. It probably causes him to doubt all the things he knows about himself. Like, who is that person?
But I understand your point of view to some point, too. It can be annoying, I guess. But the existential crisis is his problem, and you either just let him deal with that on his own (he should eventually get through all the five stages of grief after losing the version of him he knew up till this point) or feel free to walk away if this process takes too much of a toll on you."
The post also found its way over to Twitter, where the discussion continued. "Autistic here! This was me with Caesar salad and anchovies! Will I eat salad that actually has the whole fish on it? No but I had to get over it being in the dressing because I'm obsessed."
Autistic here! This was me with Caesar salad and anchovies! Will I eat salad that actually has the whole fish on it? No but I had to get over it being in the dressing because I’m obsessed 😂I vote he’s a man baby I almost lost it when I saw he only worked part time!
— Lara Jean💗⚡️🇵🇸🇵🇸 (@EznaBr) January 4, 2025
"as i’ve gotten older i just try not to think about my ick ingredients"
ok being autistic i can see how learning about the tomato paste could ruin it but also if this has been his safe food for years i don’t get why he wouldn’t just accept that maybe tomato paste isn’t the devil? as i’ve gotten older i just try not to think about my ick ingredients
— emma💜 (@emsapphic) January 3, 2025
"i think he's overreacting a fair bit...finding a new meal that i like AND has one of my 'yucky' food in it makes me so happy."
not an oomf, just a fellow passing autistic and i think he’s overreacting a fair bit. i struggle a lot with arfid (both texture and taste) and finding a new meal that i like AND has one of my ‘yucky’ food in it makes me so happy. i always hate being a picky eater
— saint (@sinsitershadows) January 4, 2025
"imo he's just being unreasonably mean to her...if i learnt a comfort meal of mine had...foods i cant tolerate i'd be a bit upset bc i'd have to reckon with that thought lol but not at my partner????"
imo he’s just being unreasonably mean to her yeah ok if i learnt a comfort meal of mine had fennel or raisins or any other of the various foods i cant tolerate i’d be a bit upset bc i’d have to reckon with that thought lol but not at my partner????
— jules/volantisミ☆ FREE PALESTINE 🎩💢🪫🏹👧🃏🔪🪲☀️ (@tiberiusparrish) January 4, 2025
And finally, "I can understand not wanting to eat it anymore, and even being upset that a safe food is no longer safe, but it feels actively antagonistic."
I'm saying this as an Autistic person who is INCREDIBLY picky and doesn't like tomatoes- he's being incredibly uncompromising. I can understand not wanting to eat it anymore, and even being upset that a safe food is no longer safe, but it feels actively antagonistic.
— 🌸Biscuit19131🌸 (@dragon_biscuits) January 4, 2025
Now I have to know — having read all this, what do you think? Should she have been more careful when discussing the ingredients in the stew? Or did she not do anything wrong? Let us know in the comments.
