This Woman Has To Choose Between Her Long-Term Boyfriend Or Her Condo, And I Think The Right Choice Is Clear
Hi BF Community! My name's Ashley Holt, and this is Dear Ashley — a lovingly honest, shady, and safe corner of the internet where BuzzFeed readers like you can submit your relationship issues to me for advice.
Today’s issue is between a 31-year-old woman who wrote to me about her boyfriend.
"I own my two-bedroom, one-bathroom condo, and my boyfriend rents a one-bedroom apartment. We have been together for a little over two years, and he originally asserted that he wanted us to move in together after we had been together for about a year. We are in our 30s and looking forward to the next step in our relationship," she said.
"Originally, he said he would want us to live together before an engagement, but now he is sort of backtracking on that. For the record, I definitely want that before an engagement."
"I think the logical solution would be for him to move in with me. We could change my extra bedroom into his office since he works remotely, and redo some decorations and furniture to make it feel more like our space, rather than just mine."
"I live in a great walkable area of the city, and he has also been very big on me not selling my place because my interest rate is super low, and he would want me to eventually benefit from renting it out; but he refuses to move into my place. His reasoning changed from it not being his favorite area to live (even though a couple of his favorite bars and restaurants are only a few minutes away), to it not having covered parking for his Jaguar, to other things that feel like cover-ups for it really being his male ego being bruised about moving into his girlfriend’s place."
"He said he considered buying a place around the same time I did before we knew each other, but claimed he didn’t because, 'He didn’t know what the future Mrs. would want.'"
"He would rather I rent out my place, and then we rent a place together, which could mean I am then managing a tenant, potentially not making money, AND still having to pay about the same as my mortgage in rent. He would prefer we do all of that instead of having him move into my condo."
"It feels like a sticking point in moving our relationship forward. I would be fine if he wanted to buy a place, but I’m not in a place financially where I could contribute to that," she concluded.
Hey friend, I think, like most of us who have ever taken on the impossible task of loving a man, you know what may be going on here, but you may be too afraid to say it out loud. TO ME, it seems like one of two things could be happening here: He's either afraid of taking the next step in your relationship, or his ego is more important to him than the relationship.
If it's the first option, then the next conversation you have with him doesn't need to be about your living situation, it needs to be about what he's truly afraid of. Is he spooked by how soon an engagement could happen, or is he afraid of an engagement TO YOU?
The first one is a very reasonable fear. I feel like many of us say we're ready for certain life milestones, but when you realize that milestone is around the corner, it's easy to feel unprepared and unsure. If that's where he's at, you can work with that. Having a conversation about that allows you to see how he would handle challenges as a life partner, and if he's emotionally mature enough to know how he's feeling and express it to you.
It also allows him to see how you would communicate with him as a life partner through tough times. I'm assuming that because you're a baddie who owns property, you don't mind going through life's challenges beside him and making decisions together. If that's the case, allow him to see and feel that.
What you CANNOT do is handle this scenario in a way that isn't authentic to you and then switch up after marriage (i.e.: figuring it all out yourself and doing things you don't actually want to do to appease him). That's how you end up in a relationship that isn't authentic to who you really are, and with a partner who is unable to care for who you really are.
On the other hand, if you sit down with him and he isn't clear about what he's afraid of — just that he's afraid — then you need to be brave enough to ask the tough questions.
Ask him if he sees a future with you, no matter the circumstances. If it's not an immediate "yes," then you owe it to yourself to express to him that you want to be with someone who knows for a fact that's what they want without hesitation. It's impossible to ask for a partner to have everything about your relationship figured out, but THAT is the bare minimum. "Do you want ME, yes or no??"
Now for the second option: His ego is more important to him than the relationship. In this situation, he may very well love you and know he wants a future with you, but he is unwilling to compromise for it. THAT is a non-starter. I can't let you go out like that, bestie.
Like, if this man is willing to not only inconvenience you but watch you lose money because he doesn't want to sleep under a girlie bedspread, you need to release him back into the wild. Today, it's ridiculous decision-making about the condo, tomorrow, you're wearing an engagement ring you don't like, and 10 years from now, he's pouting at home, missing out on a family vacation because you refused to wait for him to pick the destination last-minute and just took the kids where you wanted to go.
A lack of flexibility is NOT a reasonable trait in a life partner. Life is not black and white. You'll both have to do things you don't like at some point for the sake of the relationship. If he can't do that now when the stakes are low, he will NEVER be able to.
A wise woman once told me: You have to assume the person you marry will NEVER change. That's no shade, it's all about realistic expectations. You can't envision a life with the person you hope you can turn him into, you need to see the rest of your life with the person he is TODAY. And if you need a new prescription for your glasses to see that clearly, cut him loose!!!
Plenty of women in apartments would be happy to split the rent with him if that's his dream. And plenty of men who own property would be grateful to have discussions like this one with you. This may seem like a small issue in the grand scheme of things, but trust me, in a lifelong partnership, the small things become the BIG things. This is not to say he doesn't deserve the opportunity to make a different choice or have another conversation. But it is worth clearly stating the importance of your investment to him and how you believe him compromising and moving in would be best for both of you. If he chooses not to, then you have a decision to make.
What's most important here is that you focus on the traits that YOU need in a partner. Try not to hyperfocus on what he needs or taking pressure off of him, because your needs are just as important. Your job right now is to learn where he's at and decide what YOUR next step should be. Love, Ashley.
What do you think she should do? Let us know in the comments.
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The submission has been edited for length/clarity.
