20 Ways to Be a Better Friend, According to Experts
It’s true: friendships have changed a lot in recent years. We’ve come a long way from the “bosom friends” of Anne of Green Gables days, free from smartphones and Zoom—in fact, you’ve likely noticed that current-day friendships are a lot different from the ones you had when you were in school. It may feel as if a quick hello here and there on social media, or the occasional text, will suffice, but it’s really not the way to build deeper friendships with those you care about.
If you truly want to know the ways to be a better friend, it’s something that requires a level of commitment. Friendship expert, author, speaker, life coach, and owner of An Imperfectly Perfect Life, LLC Shari Leid says that it’s the small, thoughtful gestures—the little things—that make a friendship truly flourish.
“Whether it’s remembering a birthday, offering a word of encouragement before a big interview, or just being there when it matters most, these actions are like the sprinkles that sweeten the bond,” she says.
Leid also notes that being a good friend is “an investment that pays dividends in both health and happiness, growing stronger with time.” In other words? Everybody wins when you’re a better friend.
Being a better friend can also help you see the best in people, which can make you a better person in the process. Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, says that too many people collect evidence on how their friends have come up short in some way.
“The only elements of a friendship you can control are your own behaviors,” she says. “Being a good friend is what yields better friendships. And it’s widely agreed upon that healthy relationships, which include close friendships, are essential for your mental and physical health at all ages.”
Pay Attention
Anna Goldfarb, author of the new book Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, says that it’s important to pay attention to how your friends’ lives evolve. “If you notice a change in someone’s lifestyle or finances, adjust accordingly,” she says. “For example, if a friend is taking a break from drinking alcohol, suggest a coffee date or a walk instead of happy hour. If a friend is between jobs, suggest low-cost activities or invite them to a casual dinner at your house.”
Be First
Badzin says that you should strive to be the first to like your friends’ social media posts and the first to leave a supportive, positive comment (that is, if social media is your thing!). “Somebody has to be the first,” she says. “Let it be you.”
Make a Call
Phone calls are relatively foreign in today’s fast-texting, emailing world, but Leid suggests making actual phone calls to friends. “There’s something special about hearing a friend’s voice,” she says. “Try setting aside time each week to call a friend. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation—sometimes just hearing a familiar voice and sharing a laugh can strengthen your bond.”
Don’t Keep Score
“Do not keep score,” Badzin says. “Were you the first to reach out the last three times? Who cares. As long as your friend responded quickly and enthusiastically, you do not need to measure your friendships by who reached out more often. Some people are terrible at organizing their time and their communication. If you’re better at making plans or reaching out, lean into this skill.”
Create a “No-Gossip” Zone
Gossip isn’t the way to create a healthy friendship. Leid says that you can build trust by refraining from talking badly about others when you’re with your friends. “Instead, focus on uplifting conversations,” she says. “This not only strengthens your bond but also sets a positive tone in your friendship group.”
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Remember Important Days
To be a better friend, Badzin says that you should try to be the one who remembers dates that go beyond birthdays, such as the first day of a new job, sober anniversaries, or important milestones after a loved one’s death. Text, leave a voice memo, or call on these dates to say, “You’ve got this,” “I’m proud of you,” or “You’re on my mind today.”
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Be Accountability Buddies
Goldfarb says that you and a friend can brainstorm ways to help each other reach goals. “It creates a routine so you and your friend will be in regular contact, and you’ll get the pleasure of supporting your friend’s dreams, which can make you feel more included in their life,” she says. “Plus, studies show that people are more likely to reach their goals if they share them with friends.”
Stay Curious
“Even if you’ve known someone for years, there’s always more to learn,” Leid observes. “Ask your friend questions about their childhood, their dreams, or their thoughts on various topics. Staying curious keeps the friendship dynamic and prevents it from becoming stagnant.”
Be Helpful
Badzin says that if your friend is out for the count for an extended period of time because of an injury or a difficult round of treatments (or just a bad mental health day), don’t ask, “What can I do to help?” Text from the grocery store, “I’m standing in the produce aisle. What do you need in your fridge?” If the answer is, “nothing,” accept that and say, “Sounds good, I will try another time.” In other words? Be more specific when you offer help, and aim to anticipate their needs.
Share Meals Together
“There’s something powerful about sharing a meal,” Leid says. “Whether it’s a simple coffee catch-up or a full dinner, breaking bread together creates a space for meaningful conversation and connection. You might even consider starting a monthly dinner tradition with your friends to ensure regular face-to-face time.”
Put Your Phone Away
If you’re one of those people with a smartphone glued to your hands, Badzin recommends, “Put your phone down when you’re with your friends.” She adds, “Even better, put it away and out of sight. This will do more to strengthen your friendships than anything else. You’ll more easily give your friend your full attention and stay engaged in the conversation.”
Invite Friends to Your Home
Leid points out that inviting a friend over to your home creates a different kind of intimacy. “It doesn’t have to be a big event—a casual potluck can be incredibly special,” she says. “The comfort of home allows for deeper conversations and a relaxed atmosphere where you can truly connect.”
Forgive Easily
“Forgive easily when friends apologize,” Badzin says. “You will eventually make a mistake. We all do. Forgive your friends with the ease and grace you hope to receive yourself one day.”
Ask About Their Life “Pre-You”
To learn even more about your friend, Leid suggests asking about their life before you met them. She says, “Understanding your friend’s past can give you deeper insight into who they are today. Ask about their childhood, early experiences, or significant moments before you came into their life. This can lead to rich conversations and help you understand them on a more profound level.”
Manage Expectations
Although it’s satisfying when a friend answers your text right away, Badzin says that this isn’t exactly realistic in any friendship. And you should be present as well. “Be reasonable about your expectations around texts,” she says. “This takes balance and practice. You want to respond in a timely manner to friends’ texts, but you also want to be engaged in your present life, which means you also need to be understanding when friends take a while to text back.”
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Get Moving
“Exercise is not only good for your health, but also for your friendship,” Leid says. “Whether it’s a weekly walk, a yoga class, or even a day trip, moving together strengthens your bond and creates shared experiences. Physical activities give you the chance to talk, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company outside of your usual routines.”
Show Interest
“Show interest in recommendations you get from your friends,” Goldfarb says. “If a buddy mentions an article, podcast, TV show, movie, or book they loved, make an effort to check it out. Not only will you show that you care to see the world through your friend’s
Do Some Listening
“Do your friends know the names of your exes and cousins, but you can’t remember their siblings’ names? You’re doing too much of the talking,” Badzin notes. “Make sure to offer balanced air time in your conversations. A good friend does as much listening as speaking.”
Plan Trips Together
Leid believes that there’s something magical about traveling with friends. She says, “Whether it’s a weekend getaway or a longer vacation, leaving the daily grind behind allows you to create lasting memories. Travel gives you the chance to experience new things together, which can bring you closer and add a new dimension to your friendship.”
Assume the Best
“The most powerful thing you can do for your friendships is assume the best,” Badzin says. “We are all quick to cut ourselves a break and assume the worst of others. If we gave others even half as much slack as we gave ourselves, many of our friendships would strengthen and deepen.”
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