How to get what you want, according to a dominatrix
I don’t know about you, but I like to think of myself as the ultimate ‘modern’ woman: feminist, strong and independent. In my heart, I rage against traditional notions of femininity. I’m not submissive, I refuse to be defined by any man, and I know, deep down, that my skills and talents are valuable.
So why, then, does my stomach fill with knots every time I ask for something I want or need? Why do I use modifiers to cushion my requests (‘just wondered whether maybe...’)? Why do I find myself frozen, unsure of what to say, when faced with ‘mansplainers’ or uncomfortable questions? And why – oh why – do I always say ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no’, and say ‘no’ when I actually mean ‘yes’?
I feel constantly frustrated by the limits of my own power, but I’m clearly not alone– Kasia Urbaniak has made a whole career out of helping women like me. She’s the founder and CEO of The Academy, a school that teaches women the foundations of power and influence – and she’s uniquely qualified for the job.
Urbaniak spent 17 years studying to become a Taoist nun in one of the oldest female-led monasteries in China, and, to fund her studies, she worked as a high-paid dominatrix in BDSM dungeons across New York City. These seemingly contradictory worlds collided to create a distinct skill set.
‘In the monasteries, I’d learn how to read what’s going on in someone’s body by looking at them, and I gained a heightened sense of awareness,’ she recalls. ‘It meant I’d enter the dungeon feeling like I had superpowers.’
Instead of play-acting dominance, Urbaniak found she could effectively influence the men she dominated into a genuinely submissive, obedient state. And this power spilled out into her personal life, too. She realised she had a special ability to ‘ask for outrageous things’ and, essentially, to influence and persuade other people.
With the help of Ruben Flores, her business partner and romantic partner at the time, Urbaniak started an underground school in 2012 to teach other women what she had learned. The school started inside Urbaniak’s New York apartment and spread by word of mouth.
She describes those early sessions like a ‘laboratory’, testing her theories about power dynamics. Within them, she discovered universal stumbling blocks, and developed exercises to help women (from politicians to activists) assert themselves in their careers, relationships and the wider world.
In 2018, after Donald Trump’s election and the #MeToo movement, demand for Urbaniak’s teachings increased, and soon she was hosting bigger workshops and talks in a bid to share
her concepts with as many women as possible. And now, she’s releasing her book, Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power.
When I speak to Urbaniak, the first thing I learn is that power, contrary to popular belief, has nothing to do with cruelty. ‘It’s the ability to access your deepest desires, express them fully, and use them to influence other people and the world at large,’ she says. So why do women, like me and so many others, struggle to assert this power?
A main reason, Urbaniak says, is that we’re stuck in a ‘double bind’. ‘Historically, we’ve been encouraged to be submissive, obedient and accommodating,’ she explains, leading to what Urbaniak calls ‘good girl conditioning’.
‘This pops up in myriad sneaky ways,’she says. ‘It’s in your rush to smooth the tension at every family gathering and the unnecessary disclaimers you offer before delivering a well-rehearsed presentation.’
On the other hand, there’s also an expectation for modern women to be strong and independent. ‘The independent woman can have whatever she wants – as long as she can get it herself,’ says Urbaniak. ‘She doesn’t burden anyone. She doesn’t ask for favours. She’s endlessly resourceful and competent, which means she ends up at the helm of the ship.’
But while the ‘independent woman’ might feel more powerful than an old-school ‘good girl’, ‘she’s running on empty and she’s resentful as hell,’ says Urbaniak. And this contradictory conditioning can affect everything we do. According to Urbaniak, women often fear being ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ at the same time. ‘For example, you care too much about your career, and not enough about family,’ she says. ‘You’re too quiet until you’re too loud.’
Urbaniak explains that when we’re constantly trying to find that hallowed middle ground between ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’, we end up ‘compressing’ and tying ourselves in knots. Urbaniak describes this phenomenon as the ‘smush’.
‘When a woman tries to ask for something politely but she’s angry, when she’s trying to express a concern but she’s actually scared, you can almost hear in her voice and see in her body language the attempt to not be too much, and not be too little,’ she explains. Without even realising it, you could be sending out a ‘freaky signal’ that reduces your power and authority.
But, as Urbaniak’s teaching shows, it’s possible to stop the ‘smush’. You can free yourself from that compression and instead take up the space you deserve. You can effectively ask for what you want, and unlock your true potential. ‘When you play skilfully with power dynamics, the world changes,’ says Urbaniak. ‘You stop being a servant of the life you’re living and become a creator of the world you want.’
Here, Urbaniak shares her four lessons for asking for and getting what you want.
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT
GET COMFORTABLE WITH ASKING
According to Urbaniak, many women default to complaining, instead of simply asking for what they want. It’s easier to say ‘you never buy me flowers’ than to ask for a bouquet.
Why? It all comes back to the ‘good girl conditioning’– the requirement that women be low-maintenance and modest – not to mention the ‘smush’: the fear of being too much (‘They’ll think I’m bossy’) or too little (‘They’ll think I’m needy’).
When preparing for an ask, whether it’s a pay rise or a holiday, practice asking in the most extreme ways possible. ‘If you’re afraid of being needy, get in front of the mirror and go as needy as you can,’ she suggests. Let your voice go whiny and beg for it.
Then, try the opposite. ‘Pretend you’re a tyrant or a dictator, saying things like, “Do you realise how lucky you are to serve me?”’ suggests Urbaniak.It might seem silly, but leaning into those fears can help you break the ‘smush’. ‘Once you feel your worst nightmare, that energy releases so you can be present in a new way,’ she says.
LET GO OF 'I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK'
This might be true, especially in heterosexual relationships, but work through that resentment. ‘The truth is, we’re constantly training people,’ says Urbaniak. ‘If you stop picking up your phone before noon, people will stop calling you before noon. If you want something, it will require work on your part.’
DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION OUT
Urbaniak explains that, in a conversation, there’s always someone who is dominant (directing their attention outward and posing questions) and someone who is submissive (directing their attention inward, reflecting and listening). In the best conversations, you’d swap between these two states, like a good game of tennis.
If you’re asking for something, you should, in theory, be dominant in that moment. But there’s a problem: if you feel self-conscious or nervous about asking a question, you’re more likely to turn inward into that submissive state.
‘If resistance comes up, women often contract very quickly, putting the attention back on themselves,’ explains Urbaniak. ‘But then the person they’re asking feels dropped. If you keep your attention on them, they feel held.’
DON'T BE AFRAID OF 'NO'
‘If someone says “no”, it’s because their “no” is protecting something they care about, such as their vanity, time or fear,’ says Urbaniak.
‘Hold someone in your attention after they’ve said “no”,she says. ‘Ask, “How do you feel about me asking you that?” If you can get to the tender spot that the “no” is protecting, you’ll have the beginning of a far superior conversation, collaboration and influence in future.’
A longer version of this feature originally appeared in the September issue of Red.
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