Is vulnerable narcissism secretly ruining your female friendships?
For twenty years, Mean Girls has been pop culture's foremost authority in the covert ops young women commit against each other—even their so-called besties—for the sake of popularity. In one perpetually-quotable scene, queen bee Regina George says, 'I really wanna lose three pounds.' Then, she stares at her friends across her prized lunch table expectantly and, if looks could kill, the Plastics would be on the floor (no school bus required). When the girls don’t immediately tell her she's a 'regulation hottie' as is, Regina shoots daggers. Within seconds, her uncharacteristic insecurity is replaced by simmering rage. The table of teens then trips over themselves to reassure their blonde leader. 'Oh my god, what are you talking about?' says loyal Gretchen, while Karen pipes up with a 'You’re so skinny.' Regina rolls her eyes, tells the girls to shut up, and continues eating her lunch in a classic display of what psychologists call vulnerable narcissism.
This form of narcissistic personality disorder, which is a condition described in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is far more subtle than grandiose narcissism, which typically takes the form of blatant boasts and an unshakeable sense of superiority. Someone with vulnerable narcissism, however, is 'petulant, resentful, and passive-aggressive' because they feel like everyone and everything is out to get them, says Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
Interestingly, these two types of narcissism generally manifest along gendered lines: Men scored higher on grandiose narcissism, while women scored higher on vulnerable narcissism in a 2024 study by Ava Green, PhD, a lecturer of Forensic Psychology at the City University of London, and Clare Hart, an Associate Professor of Social and Personality Psychology at the University of Southampton. In fact, vulnerable narcissism may be just as prevalent as grandiose, per this new research, but it is understudied due to the historical gender gap in scientific study.
So, while grandiose narcissism typically gets all the attention (classic), vulnerable narcissism tends to fly under the radar—and that's what makes it especially dangerous to the health of your relationships. In particular, vulnerable narcissism poses a real threat to female friendships.
Higher levels of vulnerable narcissism were associated with a greater likelihood to engage in verbal, physical, and indirect forms of bullying, the study found. And while increased levels of grandiose narcissism correlated with a greater likelihood to participate in physical or verbal bullying, only vulnerable narcissism emerged as a significant predictor of physical and verbal bullying. Although vulnerable narcissism often operates covertly, these new findings shines a spotlight on how this form of narcissism directly perpetuates bullying among women.
Vulnerable narcissism may be the silent assassin targeting female friendships, but only when you go overboard on your own self-worth. 'Narcissism exists on a spectrum,' says Ava Green, PhD, the study’s co-author.'You need to be a little bit narcissistic to have a healthy self-regard. When narcissism becomes harmful or unhealthy is when you get high on the spectrum.' Someone who is high on the spectrum for vulnerable narcissism is not only manipulative and spiteful, but they also cast themself as the perpetual victim in every story.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the occasional vent sesh around the brunch table or in the group chat. But the vulnerable narcissist is not in need of a genuine pep talk. Rather, the number one goal of a narcissist is to self-enhance or improve their own situation, Green says. Grandiose narcissists may do this through power grabs or chest-thumping speeches that rally people behind them, while vulnerable narcissists gather support by sharing stories of how everything in life turned against them, from their barista who screwed up their coffee order to their last dramatic breakup.
Ahead, experts share how to suss out the vulnerable narcissist that may be lurking in your friend group—and how to handle their bad behaviour to ensure you find yourself in more of a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants narrative than a Mean Girls situation.
How to spot a vulnerable narcissist hiding in plain sight
Raise your hand if you've been personally victimised by a friend who often gives you the silent treatment—even when you're not sure what you've done wrong. Or maybe you always walk on eggshells around them to avoid accidentally upsetting them. Vulnerable narcissists 'manipulate people by withdrawing and withholding and playing the victim, so people chronically feel the need to rescue them,' says Durvasula.
This damsel-in-distress depiction of narcissism tends to throw people off, due to the lack of obvious entitlement. But it’s not absent; it’s simply disguised as the narcissist's unfortunate lot in life. 'The entitlement comes out as ‘Why do I have to work nine to five? I'm a creative,’' Durvasula says. '[Or] ‘I’m better than that person on the stage if only I had the money to get there.’'
Both vulnerable and grandiose narcissists share an inflated sense of self and a cloudy picture of reality, as well as their role in it. But the grandiose narcissist likely feels entitled to praise simply because they think they’re the GOAT (in every area of life, naturally), while the vulnerable narcissist tends to resent and have animosity toward others for blocking what they see as their clear path to success, as well as recognition of their genius.
In friendship, this person can be difficult to communicate with, often expecting an immediate response to a text or call, Durvasula says, or for you to drop everything and comment on their Instagram post. If friends don’t fall in line, the narcissist may lash out and spread rumours about them, 'accidentally' forget to invite certain people to social gatherings, or ignore an individual altogether.
Why vulnerable narcissism ruins friendships
Narcissists rely on what is referred to as a 'narcissistic supply' to regulate their emotions and mental state. For a vulnerable narcissist, this comes by way of compliments, praise, or complying with their demands, says Green. 'The goal of a friendship for them is for you to provide them with admiration and continue to prove your loyalty and allegiance to them.'
Your wants and needs hold little value to a true narcissist, says Durvasula. 'You’re talking to them for 20 minutes about their laundry list of woes that you have no interest in, but know you’ll have to rescue this person from,' says Durvasula. 'And the moment you have a problem, they will immediately say they are too busy to listen.' This is where a lack of empathy shows up, she adds.
On the flip side, no matter what good news you share with your narcissistic friend, they are unlikely to ever be able to genuinely celebrate your success, says Durvasula. You may even find yourself dreading sharing positive life happenings with this person because of their inevitable negative reaction.
There is a mental gymnastics that comes with being a friend with a vulnerable narcissist. If you tell them you're in a new relationship, for example, they may respond with their own sob story of how they’ll never find love or their parents’ divorce. If you opt not to share your good news with them, and they find out through another friend or social media, you’ll likely face an entirely different wrath of accusations, Durvasula says.
No matter what Simone Biles Olympic-level aerial flips you do, this person will find a way to make it about themselves and why your success is actually a slight toward them. 'You’re trapped in an asymmetric, one-sided relationship,' Durvasula says.
And if you can't satisfy their ceaseless demands for the friendship? Don’t be surprised if this person cuts you off abruptly, either. Vulnerable narcissists 'burn bridges quickly,' says Green. 'If friends aren’t providing them with what they need, which is one-sided admiration, they will end the friendship in a very harsh and brutal way—cutting you off, ghosting you, or threatening you.'
What’s worse: This person may cut you off from other friends, too. 'It can be incredibly painful and isolating to go up against a vulnerable narcissist,' says Green. If they think you’ve been disloyal—or can no longer provide the constant admiration to which they’ve grown accustomed—a vulnerable narcissist may turn mutual friends against you by spreading nasty rumours, Green’s study showed.
How to navigate friendship with a vulnerable narcissist
You can either radically accept them the way they are, or cut them out of your life completely.
Unfortunately, if you try to talk with the vulnerable narcissist about their behaviour, it is unlikely to make the impact it would with a friend who is able to feel empathy. 'Narcissism does not change. This is how this person’s going to be,' says Durvasula. 'Odds are they're going to become even more passive-aggressive, more silent treatment, more punitive, and keep bringing up that conversation for months and years afterward.'
If you can accept that your friend will react this way and let go of the expectation that they will show up for you and support you in the way you do for them, you can attempt to continue a relationship with this person, says Durvasula. As you reevaluate this friendship, try setting some boundaries for yourself. Perhaps you decide not to answer texts from this person during work hours, or only spend time with them once a month. It can be difficult to maintain these guardrails, however, because it is likely your friend will lash out. But if you come to terms with their explosive nature, and truly internalise that it is not you, but them, you may be able to keep the friendship.
While cutting ties with a vulnerable narcissist may seem like the obvious choice, many people don’t want to extricate a friend like this from their lives for various reasons, nostalgia being chief among them. 'We often stick it out in friendships and put up with more stuff than we would in a relationship,' says Durvasula. While no one should be subjected to the emotional abuse and bullying vulnerable narcissists are known for, when that is the status quo—and has been for years—untangling yourself from this toxic person can take a long time.
Friendships also exist in a larger network, Durvasula notes, making it difficult to cut off one person, and not lose the entire system. This is where large groups of friends can splinter off into different factions, even in relationships that have spanned decades. The narcissist’s impact on the other members of your friend group can vary, too. The closer you are to this person, the more intertwined you are with their narcissistic supply, and the more difficult it can be to ignore their conniving behaviour and go about business as usual.
When to cut off friendship with a vulnerable narcissist
For starters, be prepared for backlash. Ending this friendship will be a huge blow to a narcissist’s ego, and they are likely to lash out at you—big time. The person may spread false rumours about you to other members of the friend group or basically do whatever they can to hurt you emotionally and socially. 'This is where you’ll see their nastiest behaviour,' says Green. 'And they are keen manipulators, so it’s likely others will believe them, as well, if they don’t see them for who they are.'
If you do successfully end this relationship, though, you will feel lighter, says Durvasula: 'I tell people it’s like if 20 percent of your work responsibilities was suddenly lifted off of you. That’s what it feels like.'
This may sound extreme, but friendship with a vulnerable narcissist can be nearly impossible to maintain, Green says. At the end of the day, the person cares more about what they can gain from their relationship with you than they do about you and your feelings.
What to do if you have narcissistic tendencies
Narcissism is a serious disorder that can wreak havoc on all of the interpersonal relationships in your life. One of the most difficult parts of getting this type of person help, however, is that they are so high on their narcissistic supply that they don’t see the problem with their behaviour.
If you go about your life thinking every other person is the problem and you are owed some big gift from the world because of your mere existence, it’ll be an uphill battle to realise that you are, in fact, the source of the issue.
If you do have the self-awareness to identify with these descriptors, it is a positive sign, the experts agree, and a rare one. Finding a therapist who understands this particular kind of narcissistic behaviour is critical so you can begin to explore the root of it.
'If you heal from this, you can actually go on to develop meaningful and two-sided friendships,' says Robinson. 'I don’t want people to think this is a life sentence.'
Whichever side of the Plastics' lunch table you find yourself on, know that a different, better future is possible when you have the courage to tell vulnerable narcissism, 'You can't sit with us!'
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