This Viral Video Captures The Kind Of Moment Young Boys Need More Of
A video came across my Instagram feed last week with a familiar directive: “Wait until the end.” The cover photo of a group of children caught my maternal attention, and I pressed play.
In the video, a group of boys who appear to be around 10 years old surrounds one of their peers. The blond boy in the middle of the circle anxiously shifts his weight. You might think some cruel mockery or another kind of bullying behavior is about to ensue — but then the music starts, and the boy cautiously launches into a verse of “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims.
As he sings, holding the notes with increasing confidence, the boys fidget and whisper. Several cross their arms and tuck their fingers into their armpits. Others flit their eyes, uncertain where to rest their gaze. Although they seem to lack a script for how to react in this situation, they follow the lead of the male counselors standing with them and listen attentively. When the boy nails a vocal run, you can hear some of the others gasp in awe.
At the song’s close, there is a quiet pause, then one of the counselors shouts his name and the boys cheer and rush to him with a delighted roar, their arms reaching out to tousle his hair. They cheer: “Char-lie! Char-lie! Char-lie!”
The video captured a touching moment, one whose value lies in it’s rarity.
Erin Spahr, a therapist who practices in Maryland and North Carolina and a mother of boys ages 6 and 12, posted the video to her feed.
“What makes this moment so moving is that singing, especially a song that expresses vulnerability, challenges the typical expectations placed on boys,” Spahr told HuffPost.
Ruth Whippman, author of “Boymom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity” and a mother of three boys, agreed.
“This is such a glorious example of a boy going out on a limb and doing something not generally considered typically masculine (singing) and his friends supporting and celebrating him in such an unconflicted and generous way,” Whippman told HuffPost.
What Boys Are Missing Out On
In our culture, boys quickly learn which behaviors are most acceptable for them to display, and singing your heart out and supporting a friend aren’t high on the list.
“Boys learn from an early age that they should suppress their emotions and not show weakness. Research shows that adults interact differently with girls and with boys, and are more willing to listen to girls’ feelings and to have emotion-based conversations with them,” Whippman said.
By the time they reach the age of the boys in the video, boys “are navigating social norms and starting to internalize what it means to be ‘masculine,’” Spahr said.
“Conformity is often key to fitting in, and there’s pressure to adhere to rigid ideas about boyhood and masculinity,” she added.
The pressure to conform to an aggressive masculine ideal keeps many boys from taking risks, fearing their peers’ rejection and derision.
This harmful ideal of what it means to be male is often referred to as toxic masculinity, a popular catchall term for any problematic behaviors associated with traditional manliness — though Whippman worries that the term’s overuse “can make boys feel demonized and defensive and can end up shutting down conversations.”
In discussions of toxic masculinity, we tend, understandably, to focus on its female victims, who are devalued, dismissed, harassed and harmed. But there are male victims, too — boys who yearn to sing, dance, show tenderness or simply articulate their feelings.
“Toxic masculinity doesn’t just harm women and marginalized groups — it also hurts men by limiting their emotional range, discouraging meaningful connections and forcing them into rigid roles that prevent their full humanity from being expressed,” Spahr said.
In “Boymom,” Whippman discusses how narratives that focus on relationships and emotions are generally marketed to girls. Boys are instead served superheroes and action-packed fight scenes.
These cultural messages can leave boys feeling “disconnected from their own emotions and ashamed to share them with other people,” Whippman said, which impairs their ability to connect with others in order to build relationships.
“It’s hard to form deep connections without being emotionally vulnerable. So many of the boys and young men that I interviewed for ‘Boymom’ said they were lonely and that they wanted deeper connections with friends but did not feel they had the tools or the social permission to change the story,” she said.
How Parents Can Offer Support
Boys need spaces and occasions for self-expression and emotional connection in order to build healthy identities and relationships. If our culture is making these scarce, what can parents do?
“We as parents need to show curiosity and empathy towards our boys. To listen to their feelings and show real interest about their experiences and lives,” Whippman said.
“Research shows that parents spend significantly more time having emotion- focused conversations with girls,” she said. “We tend to see boys as these emotionally simple creatures — as a mom of three boys, I’ve often heard the phrase ‘Boys are like dogs — all they need is food and exercise.’”
Parents can acknowledge boys’ range of feelings by naming them and encouraging them to open up. Instead of closing the topic for conversation with a phrase like “Boys don’t cry,” parents can say things like “It’s OK to feel sad” and “I can see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Spahr suggested.
It’s also helpful for parents, dads in particular, to speak openly about their own emotions. When we talk about what we’re feeling frequently, covering a wide range of emotional experiences, “it sends a powerful message that emotions are not something to hide or feel ashamed of,” Spahr said. Speaking openly about fear or sadness shows boys that having these feelings isn’t “a sign of weakness,” she said.
Whippman added that just as we can encourage boys to share their own feelings by asking about them, we can help them imagine what others might be feeling by asking them to consider their perspectives.
“When you tell a story, talk about the other person’s point of view as well as your own. When they talk about things that have happened in their lives, ask them about what they think the other person might be feeling in that scenario, and make suggestions of your own,” she said. Parents can encourage boys to check in on their friends and help them brainstorm ways to respond thoughtfully when a friend shares something difficult, such as “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry.”
Spahr also suggested that parents encourage activities, like singing, dancing or journaling, “that allow boys to explore emotional expression” and offer “spaces where vulnerability is encouraged rather than shut down.”
Finally, parents can help boys challenge society’s expectations of the way they will behave, pointing out instances of harmful or reductive stereotypes. Parents, she said, can “encourage their sons to embrace a more expansive, authentic version of themselves — one where vulnerability is seen as a strength, not a weakness.”
