Valentine’s Day disasters: My sexy surprise nearly killed him
For some, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love – grand gestures, thoughtful gifts, and candlelit dinners. For others, it’s a minefield of misplaced expectations, ill-judged surprises, and outright disaster.
From unfortunate proposals to medical emergencies and the kind of gifts that end relationships rather than cement them, these stories prove that romance doesn’t always go to plan.
If you’ve ever endured an awkward Valentine’s, take comfort in the fact that it could have been much, much worse…
The pink bath picnic massacre
“We’d only been married a year – still in that so in love phase, before mortgages, before kids. We were renting a tiny terrace house in Nottingham with a huge, weird pink corner bath, which, unbeknownst to me, was about to take centre stage in the most disastrous Valentine’s Day of all time. I came home from work to find my husband had strewn pink rose petals up the stairs and was lying naked in the bath, proudly presenting what he called a “Pink Bath Picnic.”
He’d surrounded himself with an array of pink foods – marshmallows, prawns, strawberry yogurt... He handed me a glass of pink champagne, but in my excitement, I dropped it. The glass shattered. Suddenly, there was blood. A lot of blood. Then, because my darling husband cannot handle the sight of blood, he fainted, smacked his head on the side of the sink and collapsed, naked, onto the floor. Cue me, also naked, frantically calling an ambulance. The paramedics arrived to find: rose petals, blood everywhere, marshmallows and prawns floating ominously in the bath, and my unconscious, stark-naked husband sprawled on the floor.”
– Sara, 58, solicitor
Say it with a toothbrush…?
“My girlfriend asked me to go round to hers for the evening after I’d been playing football one night. I arrived at her flat in my sweaty kit, to find her standing there, holding a heart-shaped balloon and a huge wrapped gift (a teddy bear). She’d also cooked an elaborate homemade three-course meal. I had forgotten it was Valentine’s. I had nothing. No card. No gift. So I did what any rational adult would do – I panicked.
“Oh! Yeah! Your present’s...um… in the car!” I blurted, before running outside. I had just bought an electric toothbrush for myself (don’t ask) that morning but it was the only thing I had so I made out I’d bought her it as a gift because she had a “beautiful smile”. Even now, 20 years on, I cringe. Nothing spells the death of romance than oral hygiene. Let’s just say the relationship petered out not long after that.”
– Tom, 41, buyer
He gave me socks
“I was 33, we’d been going out for four years, he’d booked a posh restaurant for Valentine’s and I thought that he was finally going to pop the question. He gave me a beautifully wrapped, little soft package at the end of the meal. “Happy Valentine’s”, he said, smiling over at me. He gave me some socks. OK, they were beautiful, soft cashmere socks, but still…
“You always say your feet are cold in bed,” he had explained. And then went on and on about how expensive they were. I was polite, thanked him, excused myself, went to the bathroom had a little cry and ordered two tequila shots. I ended it four weeks later.”
– Nikki, 56, journalist
Was I dating a serial killer?
“He was my first ever boyfriend in sixth form. So, when Valentine’s Day rolled around, I was expecting something cute – a card, maybe a mix tape. Instead, he presented me with… an anatomical drawing of a human heart. This was full-on arteries, ventricles, and veins, shaded in meticulous detail. It was technically romantic. But all I could think about was dissected organs and whether I was dating a serial killer. It didn’t last.”
– Liz, 49, producer
I ruined his proposal
“I was 27, single and miserable and my kind best friend invited me along to her Valentine’s dinner with her then boyfriend. I got absolutely trollied on red wine, split my pencil skirt and flashed my knickers to the whole restaurant and then threw up on her boyfriend in the taxi home. Apparently, he’d had a ring and he was planning to ask her to marry him that night. He eventually asked her later in the week and she said yes. Safe to say, I wasn’t asked to be maid of honour.”
– Sally, 53, receptionist
A two-hour walk of shame
“As a student, my girlfriend was way too cool for flowers and fancy dinners, so I suggested we keep it low-key with a takeaway pizza. But secretly? I had big plans. I packed a table, glasses, candles, fizz and a battery-powered tape deck into the car. Then, instead of heading straight home with the pizza, I drove us to a remote field under the stars. Freezing cold? Yes. But deeply romantic. It was perfect. Until we tried to leave. The car wouldn’t start. And, because this was pre-mobile phone days, we had exactly two options: freeze to death in a field or walk 10 miles in the pitch black to find a stranger who wouldn’t think we were murderers. After two hours, we eventually found a house and they were surprisingly not horrified by our story and helped us get home.”
– Jamie, 58, retired
Who knew he was allergic to nuts?
“I wanted to do something fun for Valentine’s – something a little naughty. So, I put together a sensual surprise: champagne, chocolate cake – and massage oil. I thought it might be a sexy alternative night in. Wrong. Because, as it turns out, he was allergic to the nuts, hidden in the cake. Within minutes, his lips and face swelled up like a balloon, and instead of a steamy night in, I was frantically driving him to A&E while he turned blue.”
– Jane, 38, beautician
Tears, vomit and a day off work
“It was six months after having our first baby. It was Valentine’s and my husband – bless him – was determined to “rekindle the magic”. He booked a fancy restaurant, arranged for my sister to babysit, and had high hopes for the evening. I, however, was exhausted, hormonal, and running on fumes. So, naturally, I drank far too much wine, which led to an argument I don’t even remember starting, me passing out in the taxi home and a morning of relentless vomiting. My poor husband had to take the day off work to look after both the baby and his very hungover wife. The magic did not return.”
– Kim, 46, teacher
She didn’t fancy me
“I had a massive crush on Jude ever since I started working at the office. She was very attractive. And me? Well, I’m not being modest when I say… I’m just not. But we worked next to each other and I could always make her laugh. She was engaged. But then suddenly, one day she wasn’t. And I thought… maybe? Just maybe? So, I sent her a Valentine’s card. Anonymous. Ironic. Just testing the waters. I saw her open it, read it and smile and then she turned to me. “Look! I think Dave fancies me.” Dave. D---head Dave. The married sales director. I had to sit there, watching her suddenly flirting with him. I got my answer loud and clear. She would never fancy someone like me. I felt weirdly heartbroken and left three months later.”
– Paul, 50, graphic designer
I ended my son’s toxic relationship
“My son’s girlfriend was a spoilt little madam. She had him wrapped round her little finger. He was still living at home and had just got his first job and was spending all his money on her. I knew he was taking her out on Valentine’s and she was staying over at ours. It was a bad thing to do but I sent him a Valentine’s card through the post from an anonymous “admirer” and left it on the kitchen counter for when they got home. Innocently, he opened it when they got in from their date and she of course read it (like I knew she would) and she went ballistic and broke up with him. My son went on to find a lovely new girlfriend (now my daughter-in-law) and I have three fantastic grandkids. I did the right thing.”
– Lynda, 71, retired.
Some names have been changed
