"That Was The Turning Point Where My Feelings Died": People Are Sharing The Moment They Realized They Married The Wrong Person, And It's Devastating
Reddit user u/tippytoes1216 posed the question: "When did you realize you married the wrong person?" The thread quickly filled with hundreds of heartbreaking stories and shocking realizations. Here are some of the most striking and surprising:
Warning: Post contains mentions of abusive relationships.
1."I was exhausted from taking care of our newborn by myself and told him I couldn’t do it alone anymore, and instead of offering to pitch in and help, he suggested we put the baby up for adoption."
2."It was when I decided one day to keep a tally sheet to count how many days until the next time I heard her say to me, 'Thank you,' 'I'm sorry,' or any compliment at all. I kept that sheet for months before I had an epiphany: The day it was over was the day I decided to start keeping track, not the day I hit some arbitrarily high number of tally marks."
3."I had two little children — and was still breastfeeding one of them — and got pneumonia. I didn't know that's what I had at the time, but I had a high fever as well. In the late evening, he asked me if it was okay for him to go to the cinema with some friends. I said okay; the children were sleeping. In the morning, he wasn't at home. I called my sister to help me with the children because I felt too weak. At about 9:00, he waltzed in. Later, I found out he had spent the night with another woman."
4."I came home from a long day of work to find burn marks all over the carpet and linoleum. My then-husband had spent the entire day playing games on his PC. While doing so, he had been ignoring our puppy, who had managed to somehow get ahold of a phone battery, bite through it, and cause a small fire. Thankfully, the dog wasn't injured. This event, on top of finding out shortly before that he had been lying about going to community college for almost a year, was the turning point where my feelings died."
5."We were in the bathroom getting showered and dressed for a friend’s wedding. I was in the best shape of my life at the time and was feeling good about myself, and I thought I looked good in my suit. She was finishing her makeup and I remarked at how beautiful she looked. I waited for her to say something nice in reply, but she didn’t. And then it just hit me. I couldn’t remember a single time that she complimented me on my appearance. So, I said that to her, 'You know, I always tell you how beautiful you are, and how attracted to you I am, but I don't recall you ever saying that I look good or that I look handsome.' She stopped applying her mascara long enough to dismissively roll her eyes at me. So, I made the mistake of asking her, 'Do you even find me attractive?' She flatly said no. I asked, 'Why did you marry me then?' and she said, 'I didn’t think it was important at the time.'"
"I'd never felt so ugly and unloved. And it hurt even more when I had been feeling so good about myself for once in my life 30 seconds earlier."
6."I realized I married the wrong person when he yelled at me that all I cared about was money during an argument. This was after he quit a job on the spot, with no backup plans and without consulting me, yet again. This upset me because all I ever wanted was a partner who was willing to share the load and work with me towards our future. I should have known better. I planned and paid for the wedding myself and I kept us financially stable for nearly a decade as he was fired from, or quit, job after job. All the while, I worked at the same company, in a job I hated, for the stability. I tried so many times to talk it through with him, about finding a job he could stick with or build on, and cutting unnecessary costs along with me so that we could save to buy a house and start a family."
"After those talks, he'd say he was on board and ready to put forth effort, but ultimately, after that argument (and so many years of nothing changing), I realized he was never going to grow up and I'd be caring for a man-child for the rest of our marriage. I'm happily divorced from him now."
7."I realized like five years into our 19 year marriage, but the thing that made me leave was when my ex said that our children hadn't EARNED his love. That shook my whole foundation. I was literally speechless for two days, and then I started wondering if I had EARNED his love yet. I couldn't stop having those kind of thoughts. You don't earn love. It's freely given, especially to children."
8."We'd been married for several years and the marriage had gotten increasingly worse. He only ate out of those stackable plastic plates with the dividers because they reminded him of being a kid and eating with his parents. He saw them in the cabinet and was outraged because I hadn't stacked them inside one another (I stacked them, but at alternating angles to ensure they were properly dry and wouldn't be wet between plates). He started lecturing me, in an infantilizing way, on how they fit inside each other. I'd known for a long time I didn't want to be married to him anymore, but in that moment, I stared at him with hatred and specifically thought, '[Name of best friend from college] wouldn't do this to me.' I'm happy to say I'm out of the abusive marriage and engaged to my best friend from college."
9."I knew six months after our wedding when I found out about the emotional (he says only emotional, but I’m pretty sure it was physical too) affair through text messages. He had sent his affair partner screenshots of my texts to him in which I was begging him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong. They both proceeded to make fun of my desperation to 'fix my marriage,' and his affair partner said something along the lines of, 'Poor [my name], she doesn’t know anything and keeps begging you for attention and affection.' The moment I read those words, I realized how big of mistake I had made."
10."He threw a surprise birthday for me. Towards the end, I was inside, near the food table, and everyone had already gone outside. I affectionately called him over as he was passing by to have a moment, but he rolled his eyes and walked away, saying he was hanging out with so-and-so. Anyone, even a stranger on the road, was always more important. He just did not care about me. He only did things because of how he would appear to others."
11."I waited on her hand and foot. Every night, I brought her a tea. I checked every room to make sure there were no intruders, I went to the store for her if she wanted a snack, etc. One day, I was really sick with the flu and asked if she'd get me a Gatorade from the store. She was shocked that I asked and said, 'Absolutely not.' Then, I thought about it and realized that she had never complimented me, supported me, nurtured me, consoled me, or showed any level of emotional care for me. I knew at that moment that she never would. All she did was complain that I didn't do enough for her. It took me a while, but I realized I was in an abusive relationship. The worst part is that I tried to make it work, still, after all that, and it was her who pushed me away because she wanted to move to Portland, but I didn't make enough money at the time."
12."It was a Wednesday night after a terrible day at work. I had cooked supper and done the dishes while he sat on his phone. I was trying to get two kids in the bath, and saw how AGAIN he had shaved in the tub and left all the whiskers stuck to the sides. I was in tears rinsing them out and exasperatedly asked him if he could clean up after himself. He said to me: 'If you don't like it, you can go somewhere else.'"
13."I had no idea how he felt about me after almost nine years together. He didn't propose; I did. He didn't tell his family when we married; they found out online. He never shared his energy or emotions with me. I ultimately had a realization that I didn't even know what he thought of me, other than that I was pretty. I didn't know if he thought I was cool, or funny, or interesting, or smart. I would share myself with him — my thoughts, interests, humor. I'd get nothing in return. I realized it had always been this way. I felt unseen and unheard. I felt like I was boring and uninteresting. I didn't feel special. I just wanted to feel some sort of connection. I wanted our souls to meet. He seemed incapable."
14."When he didn’t mention me in his speech at our wedding. He thanked everyone else, commented on the bridesmaids, and talked about our daughters. I may as well not have even been there. On the first night of our honeymoon, I got horrendously sick, and he left me alone in our room to go watch something on the big screen on the beach. So much for 'in sickness and in health!'"
15."After 18 hours of being in labor and nearly dying while giving birth, he went out to the strip club with his brothers to celebrate becoming a father. I still stayed, and then other things piled up, so I filed for divorce."
16."When I asked him to go to couples counseling and he said, 'I don’t need counseling because I don’t have a problem. If YOU have a problem, then you can go.' I realized he had given up before I had. The tune changed when I actually asked for a separation three months later."
17."We were not married, but together for years. I got diagnosed with cancer and she kinda shut off. She then decided to leave several months later. At an appointment, I was officially one year clear, which is a milestone, and I realized I was alone through a lot of it. She never wanted anything to do with it. It was a revelation that the relationship break-down wasn't all because of me. I get my three-year tests this weekend — blood tests, scans, etc. My current girlfriend is driving me and then taking me out to lunch afterwards. Heck of an upgrade."
18."It was actually almost immediately after getting married. Our relationship had taken a nosedive as soon as we moved in together. But, after we got married, while we were in Greece on our honeymoon, he absolutely lost his mind on me in public. I had wanted to go see a beach on the island that was supposed to be one of the most beautiful in the world, so we tried to catch the bus, but it never came. He screamed at me, telling me he hated traveling with me and asking how could I ruin his vacation like this. Then, we walked to the beach nearby and he went swimming with his two friends who he insisted come with us on the trip. I was too stunned and humiliated to do anything except sit on a beach chair and cry."
19."When I got her to admit she was having an affair. 10 years of marriage, two kids. What a mess. She followed it up a month or two later by telling me she never loved another person like she does the new partner."
20."A few years back, I had a 104-degree fever, was passing in and out of consciousness, talking in my sleep, etc. It was bad. My now ex-wife woke me to ask if I was OK and told me that she was going shopping with her friend. We had a 5-year-old who she left in my care, despite my state — all so she could go shopping. At 2:00 p.m., I finally managed to stay awake long enough to feed our child after the poor kid tried to wake me for the 20th time. He was also very excited about this kids' Christmas party thing I’d promised him a week earlier I’d take him to. She could’ve taken him, but no, she had to go shopping. I managed to take a bunch of pain killers and anti-inflammatory drugs and loaded up on sugars just enough to take him out because I felt so bad for him that day. Anyway, I divorced her a couple of years later. There was a lot wrong, but this one event is the one that sent me over the edge."
21."When my aunt, who I loved dearly, passed away. She was only 54 and I was devastated by her loss, which my husband knew. As soon as we got home, my husband said, 'Well, that’s that. We can move on now.' She was barely cold in the ground and he said that while being dead (no pun intended) serious and turning on his PS4 to play games. I was speechless and went to bed by myself, feeling so utterly lonely. Two days later, he forgot my birthday. We’ve been divorced for seven years now."
22."A week after we were married, we had a minor disagreement. He told me, 'You know who you married, and you know this is how I want it.' Then I realized that if this was how he thought, he expected me to set aside my wants and wishes forever. I should have seen the red flags before I said yes, but they turned bright red with flashing lights right then and there."
23."The nail in the coffin was when I drove myself to the hospital for my hysterectomy because it was too early for him to get up. This might have been at the 13-year mark."
24."When he was messaging a side chick on our wedding day. Boy, did it go sideways from there."
25."I knew when our child was three months old and I had the absolute worst case of mastitis. I was so weak, I couldn’t even pick up the baby. I asked him to please stay home from work and help me. He told me to call my mum, then left for work. I stuck it out for another four years, through various other scenarios similar to this one, but finally found the courage to leave. The moment I asked for a divorce, I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders."
26."Six months in, while she was pregnant, she decided she wanted to raise our children in a Christian home. I'm an atheist. Religion was not a subject we had discussed before she got pregnant. I eventually realized she had used me to have the children she wanted. She didn’t care about my wants and desires at all."
27."I realized that I was hiding good news from her because I knew she would make me feel bad about it. I hoped she would grow up and stop being selfish and childish. She never did."
28."When I found my sister-in-law's social security card in his wallet. He’d stolen her wallet. He tried to tell me I stole it and he found it in MY wallet, and that I just didn't remember because I’d had brain surgeries before."
29."When I came home from the ER after being diagnosed with a severe lung disorder, and she immediately left me with the kids so she could go out drinking with friends. Her exact words were, 'I need you to make them dinner. I'm running late to meet up with everyone.'"
30."When I realized he’s not someone I would want to hang out with or be friends with if we were not married and sharing a house together."
31."I come from a poor family; she doesn’t. Her family gave us $10,000 for our wedding. She spent it on a motorcycle. I was struggling to make my bills each month. She then bought a house closer to the job I was actively trying to leave, despite my months of pleading for her not to. She did it anyway. I told her I was done after living in the house I didn't want for six months. She told all my friends and family it was because I was cheating on her. I lost a lot of my friends, but I’ve never been happier. She can keep ‘em."
32."When she forgot to meet me at the imaging center when I was having the MRI to see if I had a brain tumor."
33.Finally: "Together for 15 years, married for 13. She said one day, to hurt me, 'I don’t find you physically, mentally, or sexually attractive.' I recoiled. This was about four months ago. We’re still together, but I just can’t get over it."
My heart hurts for everyone who shared their stories. And, to those reading: I hope you never experience anything like this.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
