‘Toxic Forgiveness’ Is Damaging Your Relationships. Here’s How To Tell If You’re Doing It.
You’ve probably heard phrases like “toxic person” and “toxic positivity,” but what about “toxic forgiveness”? While you won’t find the phrase in a textbook, you’ll probably be able to relate to the concept.
“My understanding of it is that it’s really describing a pressured or superficial forgiveness,” said Emily West, a licensed mental health counselor at Self Space Therapy in Seattle. West added that it can happen when someone feels an internal or external pressure to rush to pardon someone else without taking the time to process their own feelings.
The adage “forgive and forget” sums up this notion well. And certain kinds of people may be more likely to deal with toxic forgiveness than others.
“I think it describes what ... a lot of people who identify as people-pleasers experience in that people who are afraid or feel anxious around conflict will feel short-term relief when they forgive quickly,” said Rachel Wolff, a licensed psychotherapist in Philadelphia. “But then this can result in emotional suppression and resentment for the forgiver, which then can create more social disconnection in the relationship.”
This kind of forgiveness has a toxic quality because “it’s not a forgiveness that is genuine because it hasn’t been given the proper time and attention to be genuine,” West added.
As a result, toxic forgiveness can create pain, resentment and unsafe relationships. People who fall into toxic forgiveness behaviors have a “natural instinct to repair any sort of rupture in the relationship or the situation as quickly as possible,” Wolff said. This comes from a desire to feel like everything is fine.
“But then this can have a longer lasting impact because it often bypasses the emotional healing process,” Wolff explained. “So, toxic forgiveness can result in suppression of feelings that are really important to listen to ― like anger, sadness or betrayal ― and these feelings can end up leading to resentment or emotional discontentment that can have longer lasting consequences.”
This resentment doesn’t only affect the person who’s doing the forgiving. “For instance, if a person is under the impression that they were genuinely forgiven, but then they start to feel hurt or confused if the forgiver shows signs of distance, irritability or annoyance, or what some people would maybe call passive aggressive behavior ... they start to feel hurt or confused by that,” Wolff said.
This fake forgiveness can, naturally, damage relationships because it undermines “a sense of closeness or trust or safety or feeling of honesty or authenticity between the two people,” West said.
Here’s how to tell if you are engaging in toxic forgiveness:
You may be practicing ‘toxic forgiveness’ if you move on from an issue too quickly.
“I think if the forgiveness is happening too soon after the situation — obviously dependent on what the situation is — this may be a sign that there hasn’t been enough time to really engage in emotional processing,” Wolff said.
We need time and distance from a situation to gain clarity and understand the impact, she said. We also need time to determine how we really feel about a conflict, Wolff noted. And forgiving and forgetting right away doesn’t often offer that insight.
Toxic forgiveness may make you feel conflicting emotions in the relationship.
You may want to simply move on with a friend after a disagreement, but you may find they get under your skin easier than your other friends. That could be a sign you’re dealing with toxic forgiveness.
“If there’s a feeling of some conflicting emotions, like noticing that resentment is simmering with that other person, or there’s sort of an internal confusion or hurt that you’re still carrying, that’s definitely a sign,” West said.
Pulling away can also be a sign.
If you find that you’re pulling away from a certain relationship after you seemingly “got over” an issue, you should take notice. This could also be a sign that you didn’t truly forgive someone, West said.
A genuine apology should create understanding and closeness between two people, not distance.
Toxic forgiveness may happen if you accept a poor or defensive apology.
“A conversation that includes genuine and healthy forgiving should involve openness and honesty,” Wolff said.
An open and genuine conversation about a rupture in a relationship should allow for both parties to share their concerns and be vulnerable. “That can create more understanding and empathy,” Wolff noted.
But, if you notice the conversation falls into defensiveness and incorporates accusations, Wolff said it may be a sign that the apology isn’t so genuine.
Downplaying your hurt can also be a red flag.
As mentioned above, people-pleasers may find that they fall into toxic forgiveness more than other folks. People-pleasers may try to downplay the hurt a situation has caused, Wolff said.
Saying “it’s fine” may relieve tension temporarily, “but in reality, it’s not really communicating how deeply affected they are,” Wolff said. “Sometimes a person needs to share that another’s actions really hurt and that needs to be acknowledged in order to heal properly.”
You may find you’re unable to be yourself.
In close relationships, you should be able to be your true self. But if it feels like that isn’t the reality, it’s a red flag. If you notice you aren’t ever openly sharing with a friend, for instance, it could be a pattern of being unable to speak authentically with this person, West said.
What’s more, if you’re talking about an issue with a loved one but don’t feel like you’re able to speak your mind, it could be a sign, too. “There can just be a feeling of, ‘oh, but that didn’t feel like what I really wanted to say,’ or it doesn’t feel true on some level,” West said.
So, what does it take to genuinely forgive someone?
It can be tough to let go of the “forgive and forget” mantra and to lean into deep, meaningful conversations when conflict occurs, but it’s important to do so for your own well-being. The first step in embarking on a journey to genuine forgiveness is slowing down and listening to yourself, Wolff said. “I know slowing down is something especially challenging for those with anxious people-pleasing tendencies because they’re so attuned to others perceptions of them, but slowing down and checking in with yourself can be really healthy and empowering,” Wolff explained.Slowing down allows you to give yourself time to sit with your feelings and consider the context of the conflict instead of focusing on solving or fixing an issue as quickly as possible. When slowing down, Wolff encouraged self-check-ins to determine how you’re really feeling — ask yourself questions like how are you feeling? What do you want? And how does this situation impact you?It can be uncomfortable to sit with these feelings, so be sure to give yourself compassion and empathy as you do, West added. You can try journaling, talking to a therapist or trusted friend about what you’re feeling to get to a place where you are ready to genuinely forgive, West said.“We probably need to be reminded that the discomfort can be a really good sign that you are actually doing important healing work, because there’s no real healing that occurs without feeling deeply uncomfortable,” West said.But keep in mind that not all conflicts deserve the same kind of forgiveness. “In considering the context, it’s also important to think about the severity of the harm done. For example, ‘sorry I’m late’ versus ‘sorry I cheated on you’ are really different,” Wolff said.Not all relationships are worth repairing — especially if they regularly cause you harm and strife.“There may be other relationships where people decide ‘I’m never going to tell that person I forgive them, maybe it’s more of a letting go in my in my heart, I’m not going to carry this burden anymore,’” West said. And that’s a different, yet equally important, kind of forgiveness.
