There are three key parts of a healthy relationship—here’s how to build them
Open TikTok on any given day, and you’ll see video after video about spotting red flags and identifying toxic relationships. But, while your FYP might have you convinced otherwise, relationships aren’t always black and white. In fact, this sort of content can vastly oversimplify human beings (and relationships).
Sure, you might be able to look at some past relationships and identify them as good or bad ones. And there are cases in which someone is an abusive or manipulative partner, and it would serve you well to seek help and find a way to safely leave. But not everyone you date can be so easily categorised into one of two boxes: 'healthy' or 'toxic.' Many relationships fall somewhere in between. 'It is important to note that while there are some universals in what is a healthy relationship—such as being supportive and kind to each other—and what is toxic, there is a wide spectrum within those areas that is very personal to the people involved in the relationship,' says Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a relationship therapist based in Los Angeles.
It’s also important to note that just because your relationship was once healthy, that doesn’t mean that your partner should have a get-out-of-jail-free card if they start showing some bad behaviours. 'A healthy relationship can become unhealthy. Over time, a lot can happen and a lot can change,' says Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, CST, a couples and sex therapist who sees clients in Philadelphia and New Jersey. '...Old traumas get triggered; new traumas happen; people get complacent; people get distracted. [A lot] can happen that leads a once healthy relationship to become unhealthy.'
But, a quote-unquote 'unhealthy' relationship isn’t necessarily doomed, either—emphasis on necessarily. While you should tread carefully and keep your own well-being at the forefront of your mind, it is possible to redirect the relationship with the appropriate help, and depending on the circumstances. 'Usually this would require both people to work on themselves in the relationship,' Cantor adds. 'Without getting professional help, it’s unlikely for an unhealthy relationship to become healthy. But with help, it’s possible.'
While there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, you can (and should!) strive for a healthier one—even if you’re already in a good place with your partner. Ahead, relationship therapists lay out the fundamental hallmarks of what makes a solid, nourishing, and mutually beneficial bond, and how you can implement them in your own partnership.
There’s no one way to have a healthy relationship, but there are three key characteristics you should strive to cultivate.
A healthy relationship can look different within different dynamics (there’s no one-size-fits-all mold when it comes to dating!), but there are a few benchmarks to check off: trust, communication, respect. The basics! You need all three, says Jack Hazan, LMHC, CSAT, a relationship therapist in New York City.
The ability to trust your partner, and vice versa, is the number one way to maintain a healthy relationship. 'Trust and safety with your partner is integral,' Hazan says. 'This means not keeping secrets, maintaining a sense of security, and knowing they won’t physically, emotionally, or mentally hurt you.'
Respecting your S.O. while establishing that trust—and meeting them in the middle with mutual understanding and love—is also integral to ultimately making it work, and work well. Believe it or not, there is enough space in the relationship for both partner’s opinions, thoughts, and feelings (even if they don’t perfectly align) as long as you’re willing to listen and meet them halfway.
'People should feel that their partner will listen to them and take their concerns seriously when issues arise,' Le Goy says. 'So, if you bring up an issue with your partner and they are able to listen without defensiveness and look for solutions to the problem, that is a sign of a healthy relationship.'
Building that trust requires you to communicate, and communicate well—that is, effectively, kindly, and with respect. And while having that open line of communication with your significant other is what establishes a firm and solid foundation in the relationship, it’s often a slow and steady development. 'Consistency and communication build trust,' says Melissa Fulgieri, LCSW, a therapist and author of Couples Therapy Activity Book. 'You put in deposits in the form of doing what you say you will, being consistent, being kind, and you take withdrawals when you criticize, defend, shut your partner down, blame them, et cetera.'
Fights happen in every relationship—what matters is how you meet your partner in the middle to resolve those conflicts.
Even healthy relationships can be privy to arguments, mistakes, and judgment lapses. Your partner is bound to mess up every now and again, and so are you. The important piece is how you’ll work on it, move forward, and try to better yourself, for the sake of both the person you love and your own well-being.
For starters, leave your defensiveness at the door. 'It limits the opportunity to communicate to your partner that you hear their perspective, understand their perspective, and see it as valid,' Fulgieri says. 'If you are too busy defending your perspective, you miss an opportunity to connect with your partner, which can only come from your partner feeling heard and understood.'
If you and your partner are in a heated argument, take a beat before responding, says Le Goy. Speaking without thinking can harm the relationship even deeper. '[Take] a moment to consider your own behaviour and reactions,' she says. '[Consider] where those are coming from and if your reactions are appropriate to the current situation or if they are a byproduct of a past experience.'
While a healthy relationship doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes, it is dependent on the ability to forgive and grow from those mistakes, says Hazan. 'That’s not to say you should forgive everything your partner does,' he clarifies. 'But being able to choose your battles and decide what’s worth forgiving is crucial.'
To foster a healthier relationship, try these tips.
Relationships are constant work, even if you consider your own on the healthier side of the sliding scale. It’s still important to rely on those pillars of trust, communication, and mutual respect. And while you can’t build that foundation overnight, there are ways to get there:
Meet with a therapist.
Even if you’re already in a relationship that feels solid, healthy, and full of trust and respect, couples therapy can help provide a space to work through any recurring conflicts. But if you’ve ever gotten in a bad argument and wondered how healthy your relationship really is, it’s definitely time to bring in an unbiased third party who can help with a little moderation. As a rule of thumb, 'if you think you need to start seeing a therapist for relationship issues, it’s probably time,' Hazan says.
Do your own work, too.
Whether you find yourself getting explosive in fights or triggered by your partner’s behavior (for instance, maybe they have a tendency to shut down when arguing), it’s possible that some of your tendencies are contributing to a lack of trust, communication, and respect. Sometimes, these issues might stem from your past (think: your parents, or an ex), so it’s important to understand them in order to move forward, says Le Goy. Therapy can be a great tool to help you unpack and heal from the patterns that might be holding your relationship back.
Stay open and communicate effectively during disagreements.
Jumping to conclusions, or jumping down your partner’s throat, is not going to benefit either person in an argument. Instead, practice patience, and remind yourself to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. A big part of effective communication is really listening to your S.O., and 'not shutting each other down nor shaming each other if someone is sharing something difficult with you,' Le Goy says.
Practice compromising and meeting each other halfway.
Put bluntly, your partner's feelings, beliefs, wants, and needs matter as much as yours—and in a healthy relationship, they should matter to you. While, frankly, no one is capable of meeting another person’s needs 100 percent of the time, you and your partner should both try to prioritise each other's feelings and desires as much as possible, says Cantor. Just remember that prioritising your partner's wants and needs doesn't look like abandoning your own; rather, it means listening, compromising when you can, and being attuned to your S.O.'s feelings, says Fulgieri.
Know when to call it quits.
Not every relationship should be saved—or can be, for that matter. Sometimes, you need to realize the healthy decision is actually to end the relationship altogether. 'If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, gaslights you or demeans you, these are calendar signs of an unhealthy relationship,' Le Goy adds. There’s not always a way through these toxic situations, but rather, just a way out. Sometimes that’s the healthy choice—and the choice that will ultimately lead you into a genuinely healthy and safe relationship, too.
Meet the experts: Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, is a relationship therapist based in Los Angeles. Jack Hazan, LMHC, CSAT, is a relationship therapist in New York City. Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, CST, is a couples and sex therapist who sees clients in Philadelphia and New Jersey. Melissa Fulgieri, LCSW, is a therapist and the author of Couples Therapy Activity Book.
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