I thought I was pregnant, but it was the start of early menopause

Sarah Shah, 49, from Swindon, is a former financial advisor turned menopause coach. She is married to Nick, 55, a businessman and the couple have three daughters, Eloise, 19 and twins Molly and Ruby, 18. She was trying for another baby when she received bombshell news.

Fingers trembling slightly as I held onto the pregnancy test, I waited impatiently for the blue line to appear. This was around the tenth test I had taken in the last two years and so far I’d been disappointed.

But this time, I was confident it would be different.

The symptoms I’d had in my other two pregnancies were all there – my period was late, I was exhausted and there was the classic mental fog that people often refer to as 'pregnancy brain'.

But sadly, two minutes later, my hopes were dashed. The test was negative.

Undeterred, I booked myself in for a private scan. My period had been a month late by this point so what other reason could there be, other than the fact I was expecting another baby? But the sonographer broke my heart once more when she said that there was no baby. I couldn’t understand what was going on.

Nick and I had only been together for six months when I became pregnant with our first daughter Eloise and it had happened immediately. I was only 29 and a year later when I was 30 I got pregnant again immediately with our twins Molly and Ruby. It was a real shock because twins don’t run in the family. I was clearly very fertile and felt so lucky.

A shock diagnosis

By the age of 33, we decided to try for one more to fulfil our dream of having four children. We were fortunate enough to have private medical insurance through Nick’s job and so we visited a consultant who reassured us that all was fine. It often took longer to conceive when you reach your thirties. But six months later, I still wasn’t pregnant. He put me on the fertility drug Clomid to give my system a boost, but still no luck.

After two years of trying, the doctor took a blood test and the results came one night when he rang with news that would change my life. I was alone at home when I took the call.

"Terrible news I’m afraid," he said. "Your FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) levels are sky high." When I asked what that meant he said: "You’re pretty menopausal and you’re not going to be able to have any more children" and with that, he couldn’t get off the phone quick enough.

I was distraught and burst into tears. How could I be menopausal? I was only 36 and I’d had twins only five years ago. Women who went through menopause were in their fifties or late forties, weren’t they?

When Nick came back from a trip the next day he could see how upset I was and called the consultant to double-check the results but the doctor was clear. The blood tests showed that I wasn’t even in perimenopause – the stage before – but deep in menopause itself. My periods had stopped and wouldn’t be coming back. I was no longer fertile. I was devastated.

Losing my confidence

What made it worse was that I had no one to talk about my condition, which I now know is called early ovarian failure or premature ovarian insufficiency. It’s actually more common than we realise and affects one in every 100 women under the age of 40.

But some of my friends hadn’t even had children. In some ways, maybe it wasn't 'fair' of me to be upset when I already had three children. Of course, I realise I am very lucky. And I’m grateful for the fact I’d started my family early. But when you’re suddenly told that your baby days are over and that you’re in menopause, your confidence as a woman is completely knocked.

Adjusting to the news

Looking back now, I can see I had all the classic signs of menopause even at the age of 34 – hot flashes at night, no energy, I’d lost my eagerness to socialise and was incredibly irritable. I was so horrible to Nick that I’m amazed he didn’t leave me. But I was very distracted with my career as a financial advisor and my young children so never thought it could be anything serious.

Once diagnosed, my GP gave me HRT patches but they didn’t make much difference as they kept falling off. I thought they were rubbish so I gave up on them. It’s a decision I now regret. Knowing what I know now about the benefits of HRT and how it can protect women from dementia and coronary disease, I wish I’d stuck with it.

Processing the fact that I’d gone through such an early menopause took a long time emotionally. It felt like a loss. At one point Nick and I went on a mini-break to a caravan in Cornwall and I spent most of the time crying. Nick had taken a bit of admin paperwork with him and at one point I recall throwing all these papers across the room in anger. I was mourning the fact I’d never carry another child.

A new midlife career

I asked my mum about her own menopause and she’d experienced it around 49 – around the normal time – but she’d also lost her brother around that period so put her symptoms down to stress. I’ve no idea if any other female relatives experienced early menopause but I know it can be passed down through families so I’ve warned my girls that if they want to start a family, they’re probably best off doing it in their twenties or thinking of other options.

But my experience led me to my new career. When the girls were younger I lived abroad in South Africa for six years due to my husband’s job. I decided to quit as a financial advisor and did some training in yoga, meditation, nutrition and menopause.

I’ve now been a menopause coach since May last year and I’m passionate about educating women about what to expect and how they can best navigate the months and years ahead.

Speaking out

Personally, running helped me enormously, particularly with my mental health. But it’s not for everyone. Some women will find that changing their diet helps, taking HRT or doing some form of exercise. Some women will sail through it with no problems while other women can become seriously depressed and even suicidal. Every woman is different and I wish that more funding went into looking at a condition that affects half the population.

But one of the biggest things that helps women now is that they can talk about it with others. When I was going through it 15 years ago, no one really mentioned it. We didn’t have Davina McCall making programmes or Mariella Frostrup writing books on it. It was still very much a subject that was kept under wraps.

At least today we know what symptoms to look out for – but so much more can be done to educate and inform women about what to expect. I hope by speaking out and working as a menopause coach I’m helping in some small way.