Thinking of popping the question? The rules on marriage proposal have changed
For almost 50 years Debrett’s has set the gold standard in old-fashioned British etiquette, advising the public on how to avoid social faux pas and maintain a “proper” demeanour in polite company.
But the publisher has broken with tradition in its latest Handbook, by informing male suitors that they are no longer duty-bound to seek permission for their partner’s hand in marriage before proposing.
A new edition published to mark the King’s Coronation says that while it “traditional for the man to ask his future father-in-law’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage”, the convention is “no longer observed”.
The entry on proposals has been rewritten since the last edition in 2017 and includes advice on announcing the news on social media. It also says that “proposing is no longer solely the role of the man”.
Romantics are also informed that it is “important that the proposal is not made on an occasion when it upstages another important event such as the prospective bride’s graduation or a family wedding” and that “most suitors choose to ask the question quietly”.
How to spread the happy news
The new edition also recognises the proposals of same-sex couples for the first time, advising that they “may choose to draw on traditional practices to create their own ritual” when popping the question.
While it is acceptable to announce an engagement to a wider circle on social media, the book says any mention of the good news online should be restricted until after close friends and relatives have been informed first.
“The parents of both the bride and bridegroom should always be the first to hear of an engagement,” it says.
“News should be conveyed in person wherever possible or, at the very least, by telephone.
“Telephone calls to the rest of the family, godparents and close friends will follow; a round-robin email or text announcing the news is fine for everyone else.
“Following that, social media and the grapevine can be relied upon to spread the word, or you may choose more targeted methods.”
Anyone planning to post about their engagement on Facebook or Instagram could use an “eye-catching and effective” photograph, but couples should avoid using a wedding hashtag in case they risk being inundated with messages from “planners, caterers and suppliers”, said Debrett’s.
Proposing 'no longer solely a man's role'
While in 2017 men were told that it was “customary” to ask for a woman’s hand in marriage and “may well be appreciated”, the newly-updated edition refers to the practice in the past tense.
“It was traditional for the man to ask his future father-in-law’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage,” it said.
“This convention is no longer observed, although some men still follow the formality of making their intentions known to the bride’s father or parents before proposing.
“Some couples may choose to seek permission, as a mere formality, after they become engaged.
“Proposing is no longer solely the role of the man; it is perfectly acceptable for women to propose marriage (and not just on a leap year).”
Various edits throughout the latest edition – which also includes an updated list of the peerage in light of the King’s Coronation – reflect a new focus on gender equality.
Women are now advised that “on being presented to the King/Queen Consort and other members of the Royal family” they may choose to bow instead of curtsey.
The previous edition stated that men meeting Queen Elizabeth II should bow, while women should curtsey.
In everyday life, the 2017 edition said that “men should hold open doors for women and let them through first”.
However, the latest version says that while that practice was “traditionally considered polite … it now works both ways”.
It also contains new advice that when addressing married women, one should “check with the woman in question” whether to use her first name “in order to avoid offence”.
