Teen, Who Adopted His Late Mother’s Last Name, Tells Stepmom She’s Not ‘an Incentive’ to Change It to Match Father’s

“She told me to do it for her because it would make her really happy … [but] I don’t accept her as my mom,” the 19-year-old wrote on Reddit

A teenager has shut down his stepmother's long-held wish that he take the same last name as her and his father, arguing that his stepmother is not "an incentive" to make the change.

In a recent post on Reddit's "Am I the A------?" forum, the 19-year-old detailed the dilemma, beginning by providing context about his family dynamic. He explained that his parents were never married, so he took his mother's last name. His mother died when he was 5, and at that point, his father was already wed to his stepmother.

The teen recalled that from the start, he "didn't really warm to" his stepmother, as he picked up on "tension" between her and his mother. Then, after his mother's death, the teen's stepmother began making comments to him such as, "You're finally where you belong" and "I'm so happy you're my little boy now" — which the teen said made him feel "really icky and unhappy."

Related: Woman Says Stranger 'Ruined Her Daughter's Life' for Telling Her She Was Pronouncing Her Own Name Wrong

"My dad was never the hands-on parent he liked to pretend to be, so he'd just tell me to accept being loved," the teen continued, recalling how the birth of the first of his three sisters two months after his mother's death changed a lot for him.

He remembered being "very sad back then," but noted that his stepmother made a continual effort to "grow closer" to him, even sometimes hiring a babysitter to watch his younger siblings so the pair could spend the day doing something fun together. Nonetheless, he wrote, "I'd shut her out … I hated hearing her call me hers."

When the teen was about 8 or 9 years old, his father and stepmother tried to legally change his name but he told the judge that he wanted to keep his mother's last name. Now, years later, his stepmother still has not stopped pushing for him to change his name.

"It really bothers my stepmom that I don't share their last name. She has three girls and wants 'her only son' to share the same name as her," the 19-year-old wrote. "She told me to do it for her because it would make her really happy and I could present it as a Christmas or birthday gift."

But the teen refuses to be swayed. "I told her she wasn't an incentive for me to change my name because I don't want to be her boy and I don't accept her as my mom. She started to cry and she called me spoiled and bratty in retaliation," he concluded his post, asking the Reddit community to weigh in on whether he's in the wrong in this situation.

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The majority of commenters took the side of the teen and recognized his likely motivation for wanting to keep the name he has.

"I assume a major reason why you don't want to is [your name] honors your mom. You and her have the same last name, so why would you want to be someone else?" one person wrote. "You can be someone's stepkid without changing your surname. What a selfish request and to keep pestering it for years is so rude. Where's the respect for your mom?"

Another person agreed, writing, "Your stepmom doesn’t seem to understand that you already had a mother who meant a lot to you, and she can't replace her, no matter how much she wants to. Her desire for you to take her last name feels selfish and disregards your feelings and your connection to your mom. It’s also disappointing that your dad isn’t supporting you in this. You deserve to have your wishes respected."

Related: New Mom Says She Won't Change Baby's Name Even Though Her Husband Doesn't like the Spelling

Others praised the teen for sticking to his convictions. "I’m proud of you for standing your ground! You’re a strong and mature 19 year old. Your mom would be very proud of you!" one person wrote.

Someone else suggested that the teen be very direct with his stepmother and candidly explain to her why he doesn't want to change his last name. "Tell her, 'My mom’s death left a hole in my heart that you cannot fill and you constantly trying to erase her by calling me 'your boy' and trying to get me to change my name to your dad’s name has prevented us from having a close relationship,' " they advised.

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One commenter even urged other stepparents out there to take heed and learn from the teen's situation.

"To all potential stepparents out there — read and digest this," they wrote. "Trying to erase the memory of a deceased parent out of a child’s life often results in a poor relationship between you and the child. The child’s literal identify is tied to both parents, and trying to replace them and erase their memories is not good for their emotional well-being and won’t end well. Continually pushing for that type of validation will only push them further and further from you."

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