‘Euro’? ‘The Euros?’ ‘The European World Cup’? Whatever.
Where did it come from, when is it going to stop and what percentage of the population actually gives a sh*t?
I’ve seen a few people getting their heads kicked in on the telly. Is that a sport? It seems like the very antithesis of it to me.
I reckon now’s a good time to bring back super savage medieval sports like jousting. It’s basically a really violent game of chicken. On horseback. With massive wooden lances. I think it could work, guys. There’s certainly an appetite for blood and barbary on the streets of Marseille.
At the end of the game the losers could be dragged into the middle of town and put in the stocks as punishment. Anyone who’s mad at them for not winning could kick their poor defenceless heads in. That way the aggression is dealt with between athlete and supporter rather than among the fans, who are just there to have a nice time really.
Alas, this idea is too revolutionary and I digress. If you couldn’t give a tiny rat’s arse about Euro 2016, here are some helpful tips on reducing your chances of having anything to do with it.
May the odds be ever in your favour.
1. Stab your eyes out with a biro.
Stabbing yourself in the eye with a biro because you hate the footie so much will definitely get you on the news. This would reduce the amount of time they’ll have to cover Euro 2016 and will also make you famous. Double whammy.
2. Whenever someone mentions Euro 2016…
…make a hissing noise in the back of your throat as if you’ve got a hair stuck in there. Keep doing it until they stop talking then stare and stare and stare at them as if they’re insane.
3. Spam anyone who posts about Euro 2016 with pictures of crocheted toilet roll holders.
They’re just as pointless.
4. If your boyfriend is a footie fan temporarily break up with him.
This is a really great opportunity to see what’s available on Tinder or to try one of those new dating apps that came out after you got into a LTR. Your boyfriend will be too preoccupied with the footie to have a go himself or to even notice. Go for it!
5. If you see a kid playing footie in the park scream at them that it’s illegal then get on your phone and pretend to call the police.
If you’re going to make any impactful change you need to start at grass roots level. Teach the children football is wrong.
6. Go off grid.
The ultimate avoidance tack. Watch a few seasons of Bear Gryll’s Mission Survive then disappear until the final tournament is over.