This is how we do it: ‘I struggle to fully enjoy sex because I’m so conscious of what I look like’

Alexandra, 22

As a teenager I felt like the girl that boys weren’t attracted to. I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 19 and in my first relationship. That had quite an effect on me and I still find it difficult to feel sexy and attractive.

Jake and I met at university; we’d known each other for about a year before we started dating. We spent a lot of time messaging before we got together – often deep conversations about our insecurities, so that got us off on an equal, open footing.

We’ve been together for three months now, and Jake has made me realise how much it improves my sexual confidence when someone makes me feel appreciated outside the bedroom.

I have never been a particularly body-confident person. I hate my boobs – I just don’t like their shape, and never have. Jake is very caring, kind and compliments me a lot, but I sometimes still struggle to enjoy sex the way that I want to because I’m always thinking about what I look like. When we’re doing missionary it’s a lot easier, but if I’m on top I feel as if there’s nowhere to hide.

When we first started having sex it took about five times for me to feel comfortable enough in myself to take my shirt off. I still wear a shirt sometimes. But there have been a few times recently where we have got really into it and I’ve felt secure enough to know that Jake will find me super attractive even when I’m completely naked.

Jake struggles as well, with the pressures of toxic masculinity. There were a few times when he struggled to get an erection, which was very difficult for him.

In a way, it was a really good experience for us as a couple, as it was the first time I was able to comfort him. I got to show him that this wasn’t a big deal for me.

It made me feel a lot closer to him because it’s hard for men to be vulnerable, especially when you’re at the beginning of a relationship. I really appreciated that he was being open with me.

Callout

Jake, 21

When Alexandra and I started being more physically intimate, about three months ago, I felt anxious about not being able to initiate sex. There were some things that my previous partner enjoyed that made me uncomfortable, which has massively affected me. My ex had certain kinks and I felt judged for not wanting to do them.

After the first time I had sex with Alexandra, I had problems getting an erection. There were about three times in a row when although we were both turned on, I couldn’t get it up.

I was very embarrassed because as a guy, as soon as you can’t get an erection, you feel like you’re completely failing. There’s this internalised judgment that I’m “not a man”, and it’s shameful. I was flooded with so many emotions – I wanted to cry but I also felt as if I needed to bottle all of that up inside.

I went to the bathroom and sat there for 10 minutes. When I came out, we spoke about it. Alexandra just asked me how I was feeling. Part of me felt guilty that maybe she thought I wasn’t attracted to her. But I really am – she’s beautiful. She helped reassure me and we both began sharing how we feel about sex, what we like and don’t like. It definitely helped to know that she wasn’t judging me.

I started an online sex therapy course because the struggle with erections was such a big concern for me. It included breathing exercises and how to manage anxiety. I learned that it’s normal to have problems and it’s not a reflection of who you are as a person. I have ADHD, so I get quite overstimulated and distracted during sex, and the course offered some exercises focusing on sensations and how to get out of my head.

I now know I need to feel incredibly comfortable when I have sex, and know I’m not being judged and that I’m feeling supported, which is definitely something that Alexandra has provided. We enjoy kissing and foreplay and feeling really close to one another. As long as there’s a closeness between us, we don’t feel we have to have sex every time we see each other.