Do you have strong boundaries – or are you being a bad friend?
Last summer, Sarah* was feeling overwhelmed. She was juggling buying her first London flat with her partner while trying to perform at her busy marketing job, when a wedding invitation dropped onto the doormat for a wedding in Spain.
‘The bride was a good school friend who I’d lived with after university, but the timing was tricky because of the move and we were trying to be more budget-conscious given the costs of setting up home,’ the 31-year-old explained of why she declined. ‘I decided that, ultimately, I wasn’t going to put the effort in at that moment for her.’
Yet, despite establishing the boundary, Amy realised it wasn’t as simple as sending off an RSVP. ‘To this day I feel so guilty about that decision, and wish I could go back in time so I could have shown up for her,’ she admitted, revealing that their bond is now less close.
‘It wasn’t impossible, there would have been a way to make it work in terms of time and money.’
How do we navigate boundaries in a healthy way?
However, her dilemma is one that – on some level – you can surely relate to. Namely, the desire to be a good friend at the same time as working out how to balance your own needs and obligations: a topic of conversation that is becoming more and more prevalent in 2023.
Talk of ‘boundaries’ has seeped out of therapy sessions and into mainstream vernacular in a big way of late. Often this is with regards to romantic relationships (narcissistic partners?) and work dynamics (toxic bosses?).
It’s the subject of 3.1 billion TikTok videos and the theme for a slew of popular recent self-help books, from Dr Julie Smith’s Why Has No One Told Me This Before? to Dr Nicole LePera’s (AKA The Holistic Psychologist) How To Do The Work.
But ‘boundaries’ are increasingly being mentioned in relation to friendships too - and it’s sparking a heated debate. Last year, a video went viral on X, the social platform formerly known as Twitter.
Here, US-based podcaster Haven Weits explains how she had chosen not to make the ‘effort’ to drive to Starbucks to get a voucher as a belated gift for her friend’s birthday in order to spend ‘precious’ time with her kids, because my ‘yes somewhere is a no somewhere’.
The clip proved divisive, with the responses including ‘ngl, that made a lot of sense to me’ on one end of the scale and ‘do y’all like the people y’all are friends with?’ at the other.
It is reflective of just how polarising a topic ‘friendship boundaries’ have become. You’ve almost certainly scrolled your Instagram at some point to see a pastel-hued, swirly-fonted post, like this one, where a woman is praised for telling her pal that she could no longer listen to her ‘frequent relationship drama’ and be her ‘unpaid therapist’.
But on the flip-side the likes of life coach Michelle Ellman, author of The Joy Of Being Selfish, point out on the platform that it’s not always clear-cut. Sometimes a part of friendship is being there for someone through knottier times – and, besides, if you make more effort for a certain time period, that doesn't necessarily mean someone should be cut out of your life.
‘If you stop texting first, you will notice the dead plants you’ve been watering but…sometimes someone’s silence is not personal,’ she said in a post, citing an example from her life in which an AWOL friend had actually just started a new job.
Speaking more generally to her followers, she noted that people sometimes demonstrate love and care in different ways. ‘Do they call you more? Do they always travel your way when you meet up? Do they always turn up for your events?’
Best boundaries forever?
Boundaries in friendships are something Dr Sophie Mort, clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace, says have come up more frequently in her clinic. Often, she notes, a dynamic has formed where people feel the relationship is a one-way street of unreciprocated questions and feel taken for granted.
‘They don’t know how to say “no” and put boundaries around their friends’ requests for support,’ she explains.
Dr Alison McClymont, a chartered psychologist at The Soke, says the fact we are even at this point stems from how social media culture has exacerbated performative displays of friendships. ‘This can lead to over-extending ourselves time-wise and financially, via things like lavish girls’ lunches or weekend hen dos,’ she points out.
‘All of which can impact mental health if your anxious internal monologue is: “If I don’t do this, people won’t think I’m a good friend, and I won’t be invited to things”.’
The friendship games
Indeed, while having discussions about protecting our wellbeing is a positive, research shows that it’s not actually a good long-term health strategy to simply pie everyone.
After all loneliness – which affects an estimated 45% of UK adults – is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes per day. It’s also more damaging to mortality than a sedentary lifestyle, alcohol and obesity, and can raise risk your of depression and dementia, in later life.
‘Human beings are social creatures, and historically we’ve always lived in communities as a means for survival, which is why we place great importance on connection and emotional intimacy,’ explains Dr McClymont. ‘While we no longer [necessarily] need others for food and shelter, studies show that we still receive a boost in the “happy hormones” serotonin and oxytocin from social interactions.’
Yet, it’s women who seem more likely to be pulling back, over drinks and DMs, when it comes to friendships today. ‘We have a vulnerability towards “people pleasing”,' says Dr Hannah Brownlee, clinical psychologist at Ark.
‘Studies show girls are conditioned to focus on one-to-one attachments, whereas boys like to be part of a ‘pack’, meaning by adulthood we often have numerous deeper friendships to balance at once.
This is where boundaries can feel like a good thing, insists Dr Brownlee. ‘Simply put, they are the relational conditions that will allow you to stay connected to yourself while you are connected to another – and are essential for healthy relationships’ she explains. More often not, she believes, many women still struggle to have enough boundaries.
When boundaries turn bad
But are our efforts at healthy friendship boundaries sometimes blurring into being a bad mate? ‘Definitely,’ says Dr Mort. ‘I have seen people add in so many that their friendships have become fraught. People who view their own wants and needs as more important, without considering how the other person feels.’
Dr Brownlee agrees, noting: ‘A true healthy boundary can never be “too far”, but sometimes online advice about prioritising self-care at all costs can be taken too absolutely.’
Talking of self-care, social media would seem to suggest that literally not sending someone a gift constitutes it, alongside doing breathwork and taking a bath. ‘I think the issue is that while boundaries are being talked about more and more in the public sphere, they are rarely discussed in detail and are therefore misunderstood,’ notes Dr Mort.
‘I see people talk about them on social media as if the individual’s beliefs and wishes are the single most important thing.’
How to achieve a healthy balance
Just like you were taught in school playtime, when you made your first BFFs, healthy boundaries are a bit of give and take. Dr Mort notes that you need to blend self-awareness and understanding.
‘Identify your needs and then communicate them effectively and consistently, while also being considerate of others and re-evaluating them as situations change,’ she advises.
Dr Brownlee adds that they’re essentially an ongoing practice of: ‘How can I show up today for this person while not disconnecting from, or ignoring, my own internal system? What might this look like? Do I really need to give this much? If I do this today can I do something good for myself tomorrow?’
Indeed, Amy has realised that the less parts of adulthood might take over at times, and gets that friends might not always be your number one priority. ‘But they still need to feel the overall love from you.’
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