How To Be Strategic About Love
‘Strategic’ is a dirty word when it comes to dating. We’re expected to abandon the pragmatic approach we use in other areas of life – such as our careers, health and friendships – and leave finding a partner up to pure chance. No one would flinch at the idea of signing up to a boot camp with the aim of fitting into an outfit, or drawing up a five-point plan of action to change careers, and yet openly admitting to setting goals within the context of relationships can garner squeamish or mocking remarks, depending on whether you’re a romantic or a cynic. As professional, accomplished women, we ought to be secure about admitting that we have objectives when it comes to our love lives, just as we do within a work environment. So, what does dating strategically actually look like?
First, it’s about knowing your non-negotiables.
Try to narrow it down to three things. For me, one of those is ‘wants children’. But it might be dirtier than this: a friend confessed that the income of her future partner mattered, and why shouldn’t it? For someone else these factors may pale in comparison to finding someone who shares their passion for skiing and microbreweries.
Make peace with what you can and cannot control.
I vividly recall walking through Finsbury Park, checking my phone every few seconds to make sure I hadn’t missed a message from a journalist I had gone on a date with a few nights before. Suddenly, I realised that I was done with giving my energy to the parts of dating that were out of my control. I turned my phone on silent. It’s been a game-changer.
Be clear about your wants.
When I changed the setting on my dating profile to ‘looking for a relationship’, someone I had been seeing unmatched me. I felt vindicated rather than rejected; I had potentially saved myself hours of agony trying to second-guess the wants of a near-stranger, simply by stating my own desires.
Accept advice from the people who know you best.
For a while, I was still dating men of a type: older, working in creative industries and leaning towards avoidant attachment styles. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t go well. My wise and exasperated sister intervened and made me promise that the next three dates I went on would be with people outside my usual type.
Keep dates brief and don’t push it…
The first of these was with an audiologist who found even the briefest eye contact excruciating; I bought the first round so I could politely but swiftly leave. The second date was an environmental scientist who immediately felt like a brother. We mutually agreed not to see each other again.
… But keep the faith.
The third date was with a marketing director two years my senior. Perhaps our joint lack of optimism about this date was best reflected by the fact that we arranged to meet at 9am for
a morning coffee before he headed into his office and me to my ‘desk’ (kitchen table). I’m not sure whether he or I was more surprised by how quickly and effortlessly the hour went or that we lingered outside as we left, messaging throughout the rest of that day and arranging an evening date for that weekend, followed by many more weekend dates and, several more months later, the ceremonious exchange of toothbrushes to leave in each other’s bathrooms. Reader, I’m writing this on our shared sofa.
‘As Young as This’ by Roxy Dunn (Fig Tree) is out now.
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