How do I stop my mother giving me stuff I don’t want?
The dilemma My mam has shared painful memories of her childhood. She grew up in poverty and her parents struggled. In her adult life, Mam and Dad saved and paid for everything in cash, and I wanted for nothing when growing up. She worked hard and spent her spare money on collectible porcelain, antiques and furniture, a lot of which she has already handed down to me. In retirement, she started to collect designer scarves, bags and jewellery, and talks with pride as to how she will leave these things to me, too.
I am grateful for Mam’s generosity. However, I am becoming physically and mentally burdened with the volume of possessions I am already living with. I am having recurring nightmares of being buried alive. I am now married and in my mid-40s, and in a one-bedroom flat. There’s so little space I’ve had to rent a storage unit. I would like to start to have a sensible conversation with my parents around selling some items.
A recent conversation where I expressed that I would like to give my childhood bed to my goddaughter caused my mother to get seriously upset. She said she saved for months to buy me that bed and that any items she has given me that I gift myself will have to wait until she is dead. Living with items steeped in so much sentimentality, and knowing I will have my parents’ own belongings to deal with in the future, makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious.
I love her deeply, but how do I talk about this without hurting her?
Philippa’s answer When someone intertwines love and stuff, it is hard to untangle. When she had nothing, she may have brainwashed herself into believing that having stuff must be the elixir of life. But you are now feeling as if you are drowning under knickknacks. I can understand why you feel stuck.
You don’t want to hurt her. You seem to have the sort of lovely relationship where you tell each other everything, so I doubt you could feel happy about going behind her back.
Articulate for her what all the stuff she wants to give you means
A shopping addiction, like any addiction, works as a distraction from emotions that we find difficult to sit with. Maybe it’s the memories of poverty she is protecting herself from. I don’t know. Will she ever be able to invest in a savings plan rather than stuff? Right now, I doubt it. But maybe there is a way forward.
You will need to approach this not as a practical problem, but by articulating for her what all the stuff she wants to give you means. You will have to be patient – it’s a big leap to go from seeing stuff as the elixir of life to it being a bit of a nuisance. You will have to say many things along the following lines: “You worked so hard to buy that bed. There is so much of your love for me in it that it must feel heartbreaking for you that I’m passing it on to someone I love.”
What such a sentence does is articulate for her how she feels – you need to do this so that she feels understood. When she does appreciate that you get how she feels, you can address – not your practical problem yet – but how to soothe her feelings. So you might continue with something like: “But I didn’t pass your love along with it, I kept that for myself, I only gave her the bed because she needed it and I needed the space. I still have the love you put into it. If love could be kept in an object, I think I’ll keep it in this designer bag you gave me. It is so beautiful and precious, you have wonderful taste.”
Keep going along these lines. When she is sure that she is loved, you could venture something like: “But Mam, I have enough bags now and I have no room for any more, but I will always have room for you. You are my most loving and lovely mam…”
If you start with the practicalities, missing out how her feelings are entwined, she’ll get more upset and not be able to see it from your point of view at all. So stay with how much she loves you, how generous she is and how demonstrative she is and how grateful you are, before you move on to talking about different ways of holding on to love.
I recommend the two of you get together and watch Sort Your Life Out with Stacey Solomon (BBC iPlayer). It might spark a useful conversation about how stuff serves you except when you have too much of it, because then you start serving the stuff, instead.
Are we made up of the stuff hiding away in a storage unit costing us money? No, we aren’t! We are the love that has been passed down to us. I wonder if you will ever be able to persuade her you won’t need a houseful to hold her close; maybe just a few keepsakes, plus all the love she felt for you that will be in you always and is yours to pass on to others. Love like ripples on a pond, not like stuff in a storage unit.
Convincing her of your gratitude for what she has given you, not only in stuff but in her care and love of you, is your challenge. Slowly, slowly.
If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk
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