Stephen Colbert on Trump’s executive orders: ‘Some of them are bad, and the rest are terrible’
Late-night hosts worked through Donald Trump’s flurry of executive actions on his first day in office.
Stephen Colbert
Not even two full days into Donald Trump’s second term as president, Stephen Colbert was feeling exhausted. “It is so important for all of our mental health to pace ourselves,” the Late Show host said on Tuesday evening. “Get some sleep, stay hydrated, and remember not everything is going to be about Donald Trump every single day – except today.”
As Colbert noted, Trump was on TV from 8.43am Monday morning, “when he shuffled into a church to tell Jesus ‘you’re welcome,’” to his “sleepy late-night slow dance at an inauguration party at 11.30pm”.
“That means Trump was on TV for almost 15 straight hours, because all he really wants to be is a TV star,” he said. “He doesn’t want to be president, he just wants us to be forced to watch him all the time. We could’ve avoided this second presidency if we had just set him up on a Panda Cam.”
Related: Jon Stewart on Trump’s inauguration: ‘A cycle of no accountability’
On his first day, Trump issued a sweeping pardon of the January 6 rioters. “I know, but soon the insurrectionists will be home, where they can spend more time smearing poop on their families,” Colbert quipped. Trump “didn’t just pardon the non-violent J6 vape dads and flag shouters”, he noted. The act of clemency was for all 1,500 accused and convicted Capitol rioters, including the Oath Keeper militia leader Stewart Rhodes.
More than 600 of those were accused of assaulting Capitol officers with weapons including hockey sticks, firecrackers and broken table legs. “Clearly it was a huge mistake to certify the 2020 election during an episode of Storage Wars,” Colbert joked.
Trump signed a barrage of executive orders on his first day – “not all of those will withstand legal challenges,” Colbert explained, “which is good. Because some of them are bad, and the rest are terrible.”
One executive action attempts to end birthright citizenship, meaning that the US would no longer recognize the citizenship of children born in the country to immigrants who lack legal status. “But that’s in the constitution!” Colbert exclaimed. “It’s in the 14th amendment. It’s clear – don’t believe me? Don’t have a constitution? You can just go to the whitehouse.gov constitution page today and read ‘404: Page Not Found’.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s been 24 hours since he was sworn in,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday, “and already Donald Trump has ended the war in Ukraine on day one, just as he promised he would – oh, he didn’t? Well he should resign then, right?
“We are in a very weird, precarious time in the history of our country,” he continued. “Half of us are worried Trump won’t do the things he promised, the other half are worried he will do those things. I’m the latter category. We’re not even a day in, and he’s already done so many terrible deeds.”
Among them, though not the most pressing, was Oval Office decor. “They moved in a bust of Winston Churchill, a portrait of Andrew Jackson, and this was smart – they put plastic covers on the couch in case JD Vance gets a little too lovey-dovey,” Kimmel laughed.
“And he has another little button to lock the door when he hears Elon [Musk] coming,” he added. Musk reportedly badgered Trump to give him in an office in the White House, which is “kinda a tough situation for Trump, because on the one hand, you know he can’t stand this guy, and on the other hand, he needs his money. It’s what they call a Melania’s dilemma.”
Overall, “the bully is back in his pulpit and his Sharpies are fatter than ever before,” with over 100 executive actions on Monday, such as withdrawing the US from the Paris climate accords and the World Health Organization. “There are two big reasons Trump is big on pulling out: Eric and Don Jr,” Kimmel quipped.
Seth Meyers
Also on Tuesday, Trump signed an executive action renaming the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska’s Denali, “and also I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I lived here”, joked Seth Meyers next to a photo of New Mexico. “You’re just ‘New’. Put a piece of tape over the license plate.”
On his final day in office, Joe Biden traveled to Charleston and toured the International African American Museum, “because the last thing he wanted to do in his final day was go somewhere where he might run into Donald Trump”, the Late Night host quipped.
In other news, a recent federal study found that drinking just one alcoholic beverage a day could raise health risks, “so make sure to have at least two”, Meyers joked.
And a restaurant in England has begun charging more than $120 for their Hawaiian pizza in an effort to discourage customers from ordering it. “As if customers needed more encouragement not to order English pizza,” Meyers noted.
