Tantric massage is a wonderful way to connect with your partner, but there’s more to it than simply performing an erotic massage.
With its deeply spiritual roots, tantra involves the balance and interweaving of energy between you and your partner, and practising tantric massage can therefore help to strengthen your bond and lead to a deeper understanding between you both.
Read on to learn more about the benefits of tantric massage and how to perform one.
What is tantric massage?
So, it’s more than an erotic massage – but how, exactly?
‘With roots based in ancient therapy yet with a modern twist, tantric massage enables you to connect with your partner in a more spiritual and conscious way, making relaxation and tranquillity the ultimate destination,’ explains Nadia Deen, cofounder of The Intimology. ‘It’s not “one size fits all” – instead, it’s about being present in the moment, and accepting ourselves and each other without judgement. Engaging all your chakras and using the transference of energy, tantric massage can be a deeply satisfying experience for both parties.’
Sex and intimacy coach, Camilla Constance, agrees that being present and nonjudgemental is key to enable the receiver to drop into deep relaxation.
‘A tantric massage is a full-body massage that arouses sexual energy in the receiver and then consciously moves that energy around the body,’ she explains. ‘It’s a beautiful way to experience the tantric approach to sex, where it is not about the goal or outcome, but about every moment of sensation and pleasure on the way. Because of the level of relaxation that the receiver is able to fall into, as sexual energy builds it isn’t forced out of the body in a brief climax, but is able to move around the body growing into incredible, full-bodied orgasms. When conscious breathing is added, the level of energy increases and the experience is further heightened.
Tantric massage benefits
As well as offering a safe space to explore each other without pressure or judgement, tantric massage has other powerful benefits.
‘Apart from finding a new and deeper intimacy with your partner(s), there are many other health benefits,’ reveals Deen. She says these include:
- Improving your sexual stamina
- Improving the quality of your orgasms
- Helping to ease pain
- Providing stress relief
- Improving sleep
- A good step towards healing emotional blockages
- Assisting in spiritual awakening
The healing power of tantra
One of the most beautiful benefits of tantric massage and tantric sex is its ability to help someone heal from – and transcend – past trauma.
‘Tantra is not about reproduction,’ says Constance. ‘Instead, tantra offers a completely new (to us) concept of the purpose of sex. To our highly conditioned minds, we can barely imagine heterosexual sex without penetration, because what is the point of sex if this act does not take place? Tantra would answer – always – the point is pleasure. This blows sex wide open! The woman who has suffered vaginal trauma, through maybe a difficult birth or sexual assault; the man with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or even a very small penis, is no longer sexually “broken” and in need of fixing with lubes, pills or therapy. They are beautiful souls with bodies that can experience pleasure in myriad ways.
‘Tantra teaches us that we do not need to penetrate a vagina with a penis to experience incredible sexual pleasure and mind-blowing orgasms. Tantra is the art of learning new routes to sexual pleasure, in order to nourish and sustain happy, healthy lives and relationships.’
Tantric massage preparation
Before the massage begins, spend a little time ensuring the massage environment is conducive to relaxation. It’s worth considering the following:
Both Deen and Constance say that creating a beautifully calm and peaceful space is key to tantric massage.
‘Your surroundings are just as important as the massage itself, so spend some time planning your environment,’ says Deen. ‘Consider the temperature, look, sound and feel of the room.’
Constance agrees that engaging all the senses is important.
‘The more sacred the space, the more beautiful the massage will be,’ she reveals. ‘Tantra teaches us to access sex – and life – with all of our senses, so what we see, smell, taste and hear around us during the massage will absolutely impact on the experience.
‘Put on fresh bedding if you are giving the massage on your bed, turn down the lights, light candles, play beautiful music, sprinkle pure essential oils on the bed or have some in a diffuser to fill the space with beautiful scent.’
When it comes to tantric massage, oil is something of a requirement, according to Constance.
‘A beautiful oil is essential for making this experience incredibly sensual,’ she says. ‘I would go so far as to instruct you not to attempt a tantric massage without oil. I personally prefer coconut oil, but others swear by olive oil. Any 100 per cent natural oil extracted from plants is good.’
As with all aspects of tantra, tantric massage cannot be rushed.
‘Make sure you have the time to fully indulge in your partner’s pleasure,’ says Deen. ‘Turn off your phone and your email notifications. If you live with others, make sure you won’t be disturbed by their presence or noise. It’s vital that you can feel completely at ease in your surroundings. There’s nothing more vibe killing than having to rush.’
Finally, make sure you are in the right place mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
‘To give this type of massage, it’s vital that you are in the right state of mind beforehand,’ explains Deen. ‘To avoid transference of unwanted energy, being calm and centred is key, so spend a few minutes beforehand in a quiet space clearing your thoughts and concentrating on your own breathing, and encourage your partner to do the same.’
How to perform a tantric massage
Once the mood is set, now it’s time to learn the art of tantric massage itself. Here’s our step-by-step guide…
Constance reminds that the most important aspect is to relax fully into the experience.
‘It’s very easy when you’re giving a massage to worry, “Am I doing this right? Have I got the right technique?”’ she says. ‘Relax! I cannot stress how important it is when you give a massage that you relax and enjoy the body you are massaging.’
Back of the body
Constance says to start on the back of their body.
‘The person receiving the massage lies face down on the bed and the giver spends between 20 minutes and half an hour massaging the back of their body, using plenty of oil,’ she says. ‘Massaging the back of someone’s body is your practise area! Take the time to grow your confidence, sensitivity and, above all, your capacity to give. Become really conscious of the body beneath your palms and fingertips, observe how it reacts to different types of touch and different pressures. Different people like their touch in different ways and what they enjoy will change as their sexual energy changes. It’s your job as the giver to read the signs from the receiving body and become the expert on them.’
Front of the body
‘The second stage of the massage is moving to the front of the body,’ Constance says. ‘By this time, the receiver should be deeply relaxed, so ask them to roll over and spend time massaging every inch of the front of their body. For now, do no more than gently tease the lingam [penis] or yoni [vulva and vagina] by brushing over them as you attend to the rest of the body.
‘Massage the legs, feet, between the toes, hands, each finger and arms, and pay particular homage to the breasts and belly. These are soft, vulnerable areas in all of us, and it’s incredibly healing to have them massaged gently and with love.’
The lingam/yoni massage
Constance says it’s important to spend at least 20 minutes massaging the front of your partner’s body before moving on to the lingam or yoni massage.
‘It’s important to be really clear that there is no expected or correct outcome from a lingam or yoni massage,’ she reminds. ‘This massage is a departure from expectations, remember? It’s about giving the receiver the time and space to connect with sensation and pleasure in their body in completely new ways. Because we’re so conditioned to respond to sexual energy in a narrow, goal-oriented way, it’s in the role of the giver to slow the whole process down. Give the energy time to grow, notice how it builds and keep it under control. This takes time and practise, and is why giving an exquisite tantric massage is an art.’
How to perform a lingam massage
‘If you are massaging a lingam, keep a special eye on the speed of their arousal,’ says Constance. ‘If it’s getting too hot too soon, slow things right down. Don’t fear loss of an erection – it doesn’t matter, you can easily grow it again. Don’t fear them ejaculating “too soon” – they can actually continue to experience pleasure and energy post-ejaculation, so continue the massage, and if the lingam is too sensitive, move the massage back to the rest of the body. Don’t fear the receiver not ejaculating, allow them (and you) to experience sexual energy in new ways.
‘Instead, become an expert in all the different ways to touch and give pleasure. A lingam massage is not a hand job! Learn about the different pleasure spots on the lingam and how they respond to different types of touch. There are five key areas to understand and pleasure: the glands, the frenulum (if it hasn’t been removed), the shaft, the balls and the perineum.’
Costance says that this type of slow, lingering massage can be incredibly healing.
‘What you need to understand when you give a lingam massage is how much fear this lingam has experienced; how much pressure it has been under to “perform”,’ says Constance. ‘When you are able to gift this complete love and acceptance to a lingam, you step into a whole new level of power.’
How to perform a yoni massage
As with the healing power of the lingam massage, the same is true of a yoni massage – in fact, even more so.
‘If you’re massaging a yoni, it’s crucial to understand the level of shame, fear, disconnect, trauma and sadness experienced in this perfect jewel,’ says Constance. ‘You are in a position to add to the trauma or heal it. Giving a yoni massage is one of the most healing gifts a lover can give. And because it has the potential to be so amazing, it also has the potential to do great harm. Because of this, you absolutely must honour and respect the yoni at all times. You move at your partner’s pace and go where they want you to go. To learn where that is, you become an expert on this yoni, you watch your partner change as arousal levels change, you keep an eye on the rest of the body and you listen to words of encouragement and guidance coming from your partner, who must feel no pressure from you to perform in any way.
‘The yoni massage is an opportunity to give the outside of the yoni a lot of time and attention. Using lots of oil, stroke, tease and pleasure the vulva: the outer and inner lips, the fourchette, the perineum, the opening of the vagina, the clitoral bud and clitoral roots.
‘Only after a good 15 minutes of pleasuring the vulva can you place a finger at the opening of the vagina and see if you are welcomed inside. It’s always good practice to ask permission. If the answer is no, spend more time on the vulva and extend the strokes around the entire body, moving the sensation and pleasure to every inch of the body.
‘If your partner would like you to enter with your fingers, do so very slowly. Move in one centimetre at a time and in circular movements, as if you are going around the points on the clock, and apply gentle pressure to the walls of the vagina. You are not fingering her – the idea is not to repeatedly thrust your finger in and out of the vagina. You are massaging the walls of the vagina, then her G-spot and then her cervix, slowly, consciously and with immense love.’
Ending the massage
If tantric massage doesn’t culminate with orgasm, how do you know when to stop?
‘When and how to end the massage is challenging for those of us conditioned into the Western model of sex,’ says Constance. ‘Ending the massage because the receiver has climaxed completely defeats the purpose of the massage, so I suggest you only end the massage after an hour and a half, and after no less than 30 minutes of giving pleasure to the lingam or yoni, whatever happens.
‘I also suggest the massage is not used as a precursor for penetrative sex. Obviously it’s important not to be too rigid about this, because penetrative sex in the energy created by a tantric massage is incredible. However, it does turn the massage into mere foreplay, which can diminish its power.’
Last updated: 23-07-2020
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