The sorry state of British train etiquette – and the 10 worst offences
It was an honest mistake. My railcard had lapsed, I didn’t notice, and then I unwittingly used it to obtain a discount of £8 on a fare. The great train robbery it wasn’t. Yet I was treated like a criminal; filmed and videoed by a beefy revenue protection officer who looked like he should be wielding a truncheon inside HMP Pentonville, not out in public. A week later, I was slapped down with a draconian £80 fine.
Where is the humanity? Enter Transport Focus, the rail watchdog which recently mooted a more rational approach: issuing first-time offenders with a yellow card.
“Passengers shouldn’t be treated like criminals for making an innocent mistake,” the watchdog said. Hear, hear. It’s an idea that may yet get taken onboard by the Department for Transport, which has ordered a review into revenue protection practices. Here are some other yellow-card offences they might want to consider.
1. Video calling
The now-widespread practice of people video calling in train carriages steered me recently to a shady corner of the internet where I found myself shopping for phone jammers. It turns out the devices are illegal to use in the UK, which is why I backed out of buying one. I might yet be tempted to change my mind.
In the last year, I have been subjected to a Zoom business meeting, an intercontinental family Facetime, and someone vlogging on TikTok – all while minding my own business on a train. It has to stop. In fact, loudspeaker video calls on trains should be a straight red.
2. Loud music
I say this to the mainly young people who think it’s acceptable to inflict their terrible music on me in public: “Would you like to hear some of my favourite tunes? Think your delicate little ears can handle Black Sabbath?” This usually scares them sufficiently to desist.
3. Sprawling
Britain’s bums have never been bigger, yet despite the obesity crisis, train seats are getting narrower as rail firms squeeze more passengers into carriages. The inevitable result is increased competition for diminishing real estate on packed services. The daily commute becomes a war of attrition as thighs, bums, and shoulders are deployed to reclaim a few centimetres of threadbare cloth.
One solution: get some of the foam that football refs use for free kicks and start spraying it between the seats – instant yellow for those who stray beyond. If it’s unavoidable on account of your size, then the yellow card goes straight to the CEO of the rail firm.
4. Refusing to flush
“If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, let it mellow”. That seems to be the prevailing mantra when it comes to onboard toilet etiquette these days. And what’s with all the water and loo roll everywhere? Flush refuseniks should be issued with a yellow card and forced to use a long drop at the back of the train for the remainder of the journey.
5. Salon-level grooming
I recently witnessed the complete transformation of a young lady on an inter-city service heading north, during which she straightened her hair, painted her face, and almost doubled the length of her eyelashes.
It was impressive, and I’ve been privy to far worse acts of personal grooming on trains (namely a man cutting his toenails on the way to Sevenoaks), but still, no passenger should have to navigate someone else’s red hot GHDs and open pots of nail varnish while travelling home. A bit of lippy, a comb of the hair – fine – but entire makeovers are for the salon or dressing table, not the 19.13 out of Euston.
6. Domestics
Overheard on a train recently:
Wife to husband: “Dave, can you give me a hand?”
Husband, with a copy of the Daily Star open in front of him, to wife: “I’m just trying to relax.”
Wife, now irate, to husband: “Well, you should have bloody well thought about that before you had two kids.”
Ah, it was good train content to be fair. In fact, my wife and I continue to have fun re-enacting the scene. Still, trains are no place for domestics. Sort it out behind closed doors or in therapy, not in front of a busy holiday service to Devon.
7. Bags on seats
We are a nation of misanthropes and for evidence hop aboard any commuter service and count the seats occupied by bags – all because passengers don’t want anybody sitting next to them. As well as receiving a yellow card, offenders should have their bags replaced with an onboard therapist who can help them get to the bottom of why they’re so miserable.
8. Feet on seats
It’s true, train carriages are not as comfortable as they used to be. But, still, keep your stinking feet off the seats. People. Have. To. Sit. There.
9. Rogue pets
Remember that story a couple of summers ago, about a snake that escaped on the Shipley to Leeds train? As if Britain’s beleaguered rail travellers didn’t have enough to worry about without throwing runaway reptiles into the mix. It’s far from the only example of rogue pets ruining journeys. Yes, I’m talking to you, the lady with a gassy golden retriever I encountered en route to Poole last summer. Yellow card.
10. Stinky food
The durian fruit is famously outlawed on Singapore’s public transport network because it kicks out such a stink. A bit drastic, but it’s a reminder that some foods are antisocial.
Britain being a (kind of) democracy (unlike Singapore), instead of banning pongy produce on trains, perhaps if a complaint is made, a referendum could be held in the carriage to decide whether the person eating the food remains on the train or leaves at the next stop with a yellow card. Such referendums generally go very smoothly in this country, and there’s no reason to think that this would be any different.
