"I Hated Feeling Trapped" — Dads Are Sharing The Most Surprising Thing About Being The Stay-At-Home Or Single Parent, And It's Honestly Eye-Opening
Raising a child comes with surprises for every parent, regardless of circumstances. One thing that is certain, though, is that most people view moms as the default, primary parent, and because of that, dads who are as hands-on as moms often face unique surprises.
It's true, too, that society primes girls for parenthood, but not boys — at least to the same degree. I imagine that men who become parents face a lot of surprises that women have already been taught to expect. To get more perspective on the matter, I decided to go straight to the source and ask stay-at-home and single dads about the parts of parenthood they least expected. Here are their most insightful answers:
1."I was audited by the government nine times, and it took almost two years before I could receive any benefits for my daughter even though I’ve taken care of her alone since she was a newborn and been to court to get full custody of her."
"They couldn’t believe I actually took care of her. Also, when the school or anyone needs to contact me about my daughter, they call my mother instead."
2."[I was surprised by] how much fun parenting provides me. I had no idea my son would make me laugh so much."
"Yes, I slog through the basics of his physical needs at [times], but [the fact] that few people talk about the amazing experience of parenting surprises me. Raising a child beats expensive cars, fancy houses, vacations, cool jobs, money, even sex by a country mile."
3."I adopted my son when he was 11 as a single, divorced dad. I was a bit surprised that I didn’t really have support for child care for a good nine years."
"I didn’t date or go anywhere on my own. I wasn’t resentful. I had made this choice. I was also surprised that school volunteerism and PTAs in my community are completely female-driven and they had nothing available that I could do as a single dad. In spite of the challenges and obstacles, my son has turned out really well. I’m very proud of the man he’s become."
4."It can get really lonely when you don’t deal with adult humans regularly. After seven years as a stay-at-home dad, I am never bored but it’s very isolating. I knew it was, just didn’t really know."
![<div><p>"I have a very strong-willed mother and grew up with two younger siblings so I had lots of practice at parenting as a kid. The basics of parenting came pretty naturally to me and I was hard-pressed to find surprises. </p><p>Every kid is [entirely different]. What they eat, how they sleep. Everyone says it, but it’s true. My fourth almost killed us both with exhaustion, never slept or ate. My first, polar opposite. You can truly never tell what you will get. </p><p>Things that are supposed to be equal are not... Courts, mediation, all of this is going to have you acting from the back foot... </p><p>[It all] makes me stare back in horror at a time with much less technology and much more for the 'at-home' parent to do — which was always Mom. This is probably why we as dads have such an uphill fight, even when we are the good guys. Generational guilt for the subjugation of half our species is a price we may pay. Having my kids is worth it, and I am happily married now, thankfully. The kids always surprise me, and it’s truly a new adventure every day."</p><p>—<a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/arkadidamstetter" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:arkadidamstetter;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">arkadidamstetter</a></p></div><span> Mariia Malysheva / Getty Images</span>](https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/S0jEjupm93Kl1QBJSbf7lg--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTk2MDtoPTU0MA--/https://media.zenfs.com/en/buzzfeed_articles_778/c5ce511409175be321dedb67a8354c87)
"I have a very strong-willed mother and grew up with two younger siblings so I had lots of practice at parenting as a kid. The basics of parenting came pretty naturally to me and I was hard-pressed to find surprises.
Every kid is [entirely different]. What they eat, how they sleep. Everyone says it, but it’s true. My fourth almost killed us both with exhaustion, never slept or ate. My first, polar opposite. You can truly never tell what you will get.
Things that are supposed to be equal are not... Courts, mediation, all of this is going to have you acting from the back foot...
[It all] makes me stare back in horror at a time with much less technology and much more for the 'at-home' parent to do — which was always Mom. This is probably why we as dads have such an uphill fight, even when we are the good guys. Generational guilt for the subjugation of half our species is a price we may pay. Having my kids is worth it, and I am happily married now, thankfully. The kids always surprise me, and it’s truly a new adventure every day."
5."When my four kids were younger I would take them to the store, park, pool, you name it. Almost every time, someone would say 'How brave of you!'"
"[I'm] nice, so I would just smile and walk away. But in my head, I always had a few great responses that would shock the person. My favorite thought was 'Just because I have a penis doesn't mean I can't handle my kids in public.'"
—Anonymous
6."[I've been surprised by] how little support there is from absolutely anyone. My daughter's mother believes I'm completely incompetent despite all the evidence — my healthy, happy, wonderful, and intelligent daughter — suggesting the opposite."
"Other parents see me as a weird anomaly, or believe I'm getting all the help I need as I can't possibly be doing everything alone. People in public spaces either look at me with patronizing sympathy or suspicion. Parents' groups are even worse.
I'm fine, I'm with someone fantastic now, but being a single father can be really lonely and frustrating, especially as I only ended up this way by escaping a violent marriage to a woman who was an appallingly unfit mother. There's definitely a toxic attitude towards men struggling or complaining."
7."I know one other stay-at-home dad, and one single dad (a neighbor who I don't know too well, but am friendly with). A few years ago when my kids were small, I was often the first stay-at-home dad people knew. I live in a fairly progressive West Coast city, and except for a few anomalies, people were overall very kind. Something I struggled with was the loneliness."
"I wish more men knew what it was like to stay home with young children. I love them so much, but that doesn't mean I wasn't under extreme mental duress at times. I've started to be of the mindset that it really does take a literal village to raise a kid, because there's no way it's natural for one adult to be around tiny children all the time. It's hard on the brain.
Now that my kids are older, I've gotten a work-from-home job, and it's helped me immensely. I've also befriended that aforementioned other stay-at-home dad. We go grab coffee every once in a while (our kids' school is right by a coffee place) and see some of the other moms there.
Writing this out has made me realize I should befriend my single-dad neighbor. I know what it's like to be a lonely parent, and I have a supportive spouse! Kudos to any parent who is doing it alone."
—Devin
8."[What I didn't expect was] the amount of suspicion you get. I'm a single dad of two girls, 4 and 5, and since I gained full custody and even before, people have assumed that I've been disgusting and assaulted [my children]."
"I've even been told to my face on multiple occasions that I've 'probably touched' my kids. [It's] about as mortifying a thing to hear as you can expect. Obviously, single moms don't face this. I just wish I had the kind of privilege [one gets] being a mother, because I need just as much help as them."
—Anonymous
9."When I started being a stay-at-home dad to twins, I thought other stay-at-home moms would be super supportive. My wife even joked about it, saying, 'Stay away from all those moms!'"
"Couldn’t be further from the truth. Most [other moms] would act super weird with me and/or avoid me like the plague. When my kids were little, we would go to library storytime. [One day] my wife came to one, and [only] then were people friendly with me. Like, I’m just trying to be nice and say hi, maybe meet friends for my kids; not looking to initiate some illicit affair, or something. Sometimes people just suck."
—Ken D
10."[People are] always amazed there is no mom. [They] offer help, but never reach out or follow through."
—Anonymous
11."I was a stay-at-home dad for about seven years. I’ll always be glad l did it, but it was Groundhog's Day: laundry, meals, activities, repeat."
"If my wife hadn’t gone to work by eleven l figured out it must be Saturday. Sixteen-hour days were common. I would get the laundry done and the last of the dishes put away and celebrate l made it through and just collapse.
I would get a chance to hang out with the boys and someone would point out that l was talking about laundry. I had no relatable experiences. Just the same crap day after day. My friends would think they could relate because their wife was gone for a few days, but if you haven’t done it for a year or more, you don’t have a clue.
My wife (now ex) seemed jealous, even though she tried to be a stay-at-home parent and sucked at it. When l would ask for a break, she would tell me it was my JOB. When l went back to work, it was like a break.
My kids will always remember our days in the pool (not just at the pool) and hopefully l shaped their views on gender roles and parenting, but damn, it was hard."
—Anonymous
12."[What wasn't expected was] the loneliness; [all] because you're doing the right thing."
—Anonymous
13."Single dad here: my son is only 4 and at this age, it's really common for moms to be the social planners for their kids. I didn't expect how hard it would be to facilitate my son's social life when trying to communicate with married dads."
—Anonymous
14."I'm a stay-at-home dad of two. It was never a question for us; I'm a writer so I work from home, and my wife has a very lucrative job. Plenty has been shocking, but the most shocking thing has been the way this lifestyle has exposed how many men in my life are quite misogynistic, and the degree to which they are."
"I've had men I considered friends talk to me about how 'emasculating' it must be for me to stay home with my kids. I've said back to them, 'Why do you think it's demeaning to raise children?' and I've gotten into some arguments over it.
They think that the 'demeaning' role should be for their wives, and never for them. Even if they won't admit it, they see child-rearing as low, and that being the woman means you're deserving of the demeaning role. They lost respect for me for staying at home.
What they don't know is that raising my daughters has been the most rewarding, truly humbling, loving experience of my life. I'm completely transformed. My beautiful wife works a job where she betters lots of people's lives, and I'm so grateful. As for me, I would never trade the past few years with my kids for anything, even if you gave me the fattest, manliest salary in the world."
—Anonymous
15."I'm a single dad. My wife died of cancer when our child was young. People have been very, very kind. They also assume I have lots of help."
"For example, the school naturally assumes my own mom helps with everything for my son, from homework to doctors' appointments. People have been surprised when they find out I don't have a nanny; they assume I'll hire out the parenting of my child (and they assume I can afford it).
They also treat me like an absolute saint. Sometimes that's nice, because parenting is really hard, but it also gets tiring after a while. I've had people at the park or the grocery store sympathetically say something like 'Aw, is Dad babysitting today? So nice for Mom!' It takes everything in me not to say 'Actually, my wife is dead.'"
—Anonymous
16."It was very difficult for me to figure out who I was when the kids were in school. And those struggles impacted me in several ways. I struggled with basic motivation to leave the house. I hated feeling trapped."
—Anonymous
17."I was a stay-at-home dad. My boys are teens now, so this was several years ago when there weren’t as many stay-at-home dads, but I was always surprised at how low-key degrading moms were to me."
"I was generally the only man at library groups, the playground, etc. We moved for my wife’s work to different states so it wasn’t just the mom group in one tiny town. I was treated like, 'You’re one of the good ones' or 'You're an incompetent male' and never just like them; a parent; an equal. I was always male first and a parent second."
—Anonymous
18."My wife is in the military and [is] the breadwinner. We got uprooted from where we met and moved across the country. Every time we're asked how we got here and [the] military gets mentioned, I'm assumed to be on active duty even with a full beard. It's quite funny and my wife has learned to laugh it off."
"My first kid had a medical issue that prevented me from continuing with work, so I stayed home because it made sense financially and logically, not to mention the relief of stress finding a care provider.
A lot of people are surprised to find out that I'm a stay-at-home dad and wonder if I'll ever go back to the workforce. I'm currently studying for my master's and hope to graduate within the next year. We just had our second kid, so I'll be with them [for] at least another year or so."
—Anonymous
19."I didn't expect so much distance from other, female stay-at-home parents when I tried to talk to them. Being the only man at the park feels isolating."
—Anonymous
20.And finally: "I was surprised by the way people in our (small, East Coast, progressive) town reacted to my choice to stay home as a dad. It's clear to me now that many people who think they're 'progressive' are still upset when social norms are flipped."
"I think it's a good example of how gender roles can be upheld strictly even by women, because even though a lot of the moms I knew considered themselves to be good, progressive Massachusetts feminists, their thought process still had more to do with women being allowed to do whatever men can do — they had very odd reactions to a man doing what they consider to be women's work. It felt gross to me at the time, but now my wife and I laugh at it. Once I got to know the other moms a little better, they were very friendly and accepting."
—Anonymous
Let me know your thoughts on the above; there are a lot of diverse experiences here! And if you have your own story about being a single/stay-at-home dad, feel free to share down below. Or, if you prefer to be anonymous, you can fill out this Google Form. Your story may be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed article!
Please note: some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
