Seven signs you have bad friends, according to an expert

Emma Clarke
·Contributor
·8-min read
Friends (HBO)
Friends Laurie, Jaclyn and Kate decide to take a girls' trip to Thailand in the latest season of White Lotus (HBO)

"Honestly, I love her, but she’s kind of a problem." Within hours of their arrival on the Thai island of Koh Samui, the sugary sweet veil holding "best friends" Laurie, Jaclyn and Kate together starts to slip, giving way to their true feelings of disdain and insecurity.

In the first two episodes of White Lotus season three alone, viewers catch more than a glimpse of the trio’s toxicity – from swipes about age scan results ("really?!") to humble brags about their rampant sex lives with their younger partners; everything is a competition and laden with ulterior motive.

Worse still is that when one of the three heads to bed, the other two seize the opportunity to attack their absent pal – after caveating how much they "love" them or how "great" they are, of course.

And while White Lotus is fictional, these types of interactions and friendships are certainly not. They’re not just prominent in older women either – they are present among teenagers, twentysomethings and beyond.

The classic
That classic "you can't sit with us" behaviour is something we've all witnessed. (Paramount Pictures)

That said, according to psychodynamic psychotherapist Yvette Vuaran, what life stage you're in can dramatically impact your closeness to friends and the types of relationships you have with them.

She explains: "During those teenage years, when you're figuring out who you are, friendships become these incredibly important mirrors. Your friend group helps shape your identity separate from your parents, which makes you especially vulnerable to toxic dynamics.

"For teenage girls, friendship drama often plays out through exclusion or social manipulation – that classic 'you can't sit with us' behaviour we've all witnessed. Boys might face different pressures, like having to act tough or take risks to stay 'in' with the group."

Vuaran adds that when we enter adulthood and face major life changes, such as death, divorce or children, our friendships are "put to the test".

"Some friends might pull away right when you need them most, while others step up in ways you never expected. These transitions really show who can adapt to your changing life and who's only there for the good times," she says.

"Social media can make friendships even more complicated at any age, creating constant visibility of who's included and excluded. The public nature of online interactions can amplify toxic dynamics through passive-aggressive comments, selective tagging, and the carefully curated display of hangouts that deliberately leave certain people out. This digital dimension makes boundary-setting even more challenging as friendship territories blur between online and offline worlds."

Men also experience toxic friendships – they just look different. (20th Century Pictures)
Men also experience toxic friendships – they just look different. (20th Century Pictures)

While toxic friendships are usually portrayed as a woman-only issue, they do affect men as well. Vuaran says that they just look different across genders because of how we're raised.

"Women's friendships often involve deeper emotional sharing – creating potential for both meaningful connection and significant conflict when boundaries are crossed. Men's friendships traditionally centre more around activities than heart-to-hearts, so the toxicity might show up through competition or one-upmanship.

"Women also tend to carry more of the emotional work in friendships – remembering birthdays, checking in regularly, and organising get-togethers – which can create imbalances that build resentment over time. It's not that men's friendships are less toxic, just that the patterns often look different because of social dynamics," she adds.

An odd number can also create an interesting dynamic. (HBO)
An odd number can also create an interesting dynamic. (HBO)

In White Lotus, another point of tension is the fact there are three friends and at any one time, one of them is left out.

According to Vuaran, this creates a "fascinating dynamic". "There's almost always a natural tendency for two people to temporarily pair up, leaving the third person feeling a bit on the outside. This position typically rotates among the three friends," she notes.

"In healthy trios, these shifting alliances are fluid and no big deal. In toxic trios, they become weapons – with secret conversations, playing friends against each other, or using exclusion as punishment. In White Lotus, we see classic triangle dynamics at play.

"From a psychodynamic perspective, these triangles often recreate oedipal dynamics – a Freudian concept. Just as in the original oedipal situation, where the child competes with one parent for the affection of the other, friends may unconsciously compete for the attention or approval of the third friend. As adults, we might feel that pang of exclusion when two friends seem closer, or the satisfaction of being the 'chosen one.' These emotional patterns can run deep, especially if we had complicated family dynamics growing up."

Even if we identify flaws in our relationships, it can be difficult to remove ourselves from those situations. (HBO)
Even if we identify flaws in our relationships, it can be difficult to remove ourselves from those situations. (HBO)

There are a number of reasons we put up with toxic friendships – even if we identify them as such. They include:

Familiar patterns: "This is exactly how my sister treated me growing up – I guess it feels normal even though it hurts." The dynamics might feel normal because they resemble early family relationships.

Fear of loneliness: "Having difficult friends still seems better than having no one to call on a Friday night." The thought of having no friends can feel worse than keeping difficult ones.

Shared history: "We've been friends since kindergarten – how do you walk away from twenty years of memories?" Long-term friendships create powerful bonds that are hard to break even when harmful.

Hot and cold behaviour: "When things are good between us, they're really good... it's just that the bad times are becoming more frequent." Occasional good times make it harder to recognise the overall negative pattern.

Self-doubt: "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive? Everyone else seems to think they're great." Wondering if you're being too sensitive or if you deserve better treatment.

You walk away from time together feeling exhausted instead of energised, like your batteries have been drained.

Top tip: Set time limits for interactions: "I can meet for coffee, but I need to leave by 4pm." Pay attention to your physical cues of discomfort and honour them. After spending time with friends, check in with yourself: "Do I feel better or worse than before?"

They're all in when things are good but mysteriously busy when you're struggling.

Top tip: Clearly communicate your needs: "I've been there for you through a lot, and right now I could really use your support." If the pattern continues, consider cultivating other friendships where mutual support is valued.

Those little digs that sting but get brushed off as "just teasing" when you react.

Top tip: Respond in the moment: "That comment hurt my feelings, even if it was meant as a joke." Don't laugh along with hurtful comments. Setting this boundary may feel uncomfortable at first but validating your experience is important.

Do you make more effort? Are they only around when things are good? (HBO)
Do you make more effort? Are they only around when things are good? (HBO)

You're always the one checking in, making plans, or listening to their problems.

Top tip: Try the "matching effort" approach. Invest the same amount of energy they do. Step back from always initiating and see what happens. If they value the friendship, they'll step up. If not, you have valuable information about where you stand.

Around them, you can't quite be your authentic self without judgment.

Top tip: Start by being authentic in small ways to test the waters. Share a genuine opinion on something low-stakes and see how it's received. Gradually allow more of your true self to emerge and notice if the friendship grows.

Issues get discussed with everyone except the person involved.

Top tip: Directly address triangulation: "I'd prefer if you came to me first with concerns rather than discussing them with others." Create clear communication channels and demonstrate direct communication yourself. If they continue the pattern, limit what you share with them.

You're constantly monitoring what you say for fear of their reaction.

Top tip: Practice grounding techniques before interactions to stay centred. Try experimenting with being more true to yourself and observe the reaction. Ask yourself: "What am I afraid would happen if I were more direct?" This often reveals the core fear maintaining the pattern.

Read more about White Lotus