If your sex life has felt a bit blah, try one of these spicy ideas
Fact: It can, at times, be difficult to keep your sex life fresh when you’re in a long-term, serious relationship. Once those initial butterflies fade and you settle into everyday routines, it's easy for things to become a little blah in the bedroom, even if you’re still totally attracted to your partner. Fortunately, whatever your sex sitch, there are always ways to spice up your sex life.
First things first, it’s important to communicate openly with your partner about what you think could improve your sex life. 'Make sure there's a dialogue about what feels stuck,' says Jenni Skyler, PhD, a certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute. Approach your partner when you're in a relaxed environment, such as while laying in bed at night or cuddling on the couch, so that the conversation feels low-pressure and free of accusations.
You can say something like, 'Hey, I was thinking about how it might be fun if we tried using some handcuffs. What do you think?' Then, come to an agreement on doing something different that you both are into, like having sex outside of the bedroom, trying new positions, or incorporating toys into the mix, Skyler says.
However, if you're not *actually* sure what to do to elevate your next romp, look no further for some inspo. Ahead, certified sex experts share the 20 best ways to spice up your sex life (and even add a little kink, if you're interestef!). Start taking notes...now.
1. Give light spanking a shot
As long as you have prior consent, spanking is yet another fun and sexy way people can introduce some kink into their bedroom situation, says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta. 'Just make sure that you’re spanking safely by sticking to the fleshy parts of your partner’s body as opposed to hard bones or organs,' Jenkins Hall advises. (Noted!)
2. Book a hotel stay
'Vacations are good, especially for those who are in a long-term relationship or have children,' Jenkins Hall says. 'When you’re in the house, there’s a lot of things going on. Moving yourself from your space where you don’t have to clean, or you can order room service allows you to relax enough to feel sexual.' In short, you don’t have to worry about interruptions or making sure things stay tidy afterwards.
3. Switch up your positions
'When you’re having sex, you’re typically doing the same thing,' Jenkins Hall says. You're go-to's probably look something like missionary, cowgirl, or doggy style. 'But try adding in different moves that you wouldn’t normally try, such as wheelbarrow or having sex in a chair,' Jenkins Hall explains. Need some inspo? WH has you covered with this super long sex position bucket list. You’re. Welcome.
4. Bring in all the sex toys
To add even more flavor to your sex life, ask your partner if they might be up for using some sex toys together. 'Sex toys are not meant to compete with or replace your partner, but rather enhance what you’re doing,' Jenkins Hall explains. 'And, adding various elements to your sex life is key.'
Not sure how to bring up this topic with your partner? First, do your research and find out what sex toy might feel best for you both. (Check out this list of the best sex toys for couples, according to experts, for some examples.) Then, when you're both in a good head space, tell them you want to suggest adding a few elements to your sexual repertoire, explaining why you think certain toys, specifically, like a butt plug or vibrator, might add to the sexperience.
5. Play a sex-related game
An activity that brings a new element to your sex life? Games, especially ones that include spontaneity like dice or playing cards, says Jenkins Hall. 'There’s an element of chance, but you’re committing to whatever the outcome is,' she explains. 'They're also great for communication.' How? Well, sometimes ~sex talk~ can be awkward, and games give you the opportunity to bring up topics or experiences you might not have been comfortable sharing without the game's natural conversation starters.
6. Start sexting when you’re away
Kinky and dirty messages are a perfect way to spice up your sex life, Jenkins Hall says. Try sending things like: 'I want you to do X to me when you get home' or 'I can’t wait to touch you in X place.'
'It’s a way to plan to have sex and to build up the anticipation,' she explains. 'When they come home, that excitement is already there.' Basically, building up the sexual tension throughout the day is a way to get you both amped up, and tells your partner they are the object of your affection.
7. Role play is always an option
Odds are you've known your significant other for quite a while at this point—so why not get to know someone else for a change? (Kinda.)
Try spicing up your sex life with a bit of role play, suggests Janet Brito, PhD, a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii. If you're not sure where to begin, Brito says a romantic dinner is a perfect for newbies. 'Go on a date as a chance to connect, but then pretend you're only meeting for the first time. It brings some spice back,' she explains, since anticipation will build as you prepare to 'meet' each other.
Do what you would to 'get ready' for a date, like putting on an outfit that makes you feel confident, and tell your partner to 'pick you up' at a certain time, Brito suggests. Then, when you're ready to head home, you can carry on with the charade and pretend you're sleeping together for the first time, too. (Very hot!)
8. Build a sex playlist
'Put on your Boyz II Men soundtrack and have sex while listening,' says Brito. Try creating a fun playlist together (or each make your own separate one for double the fun) and fill it with songs that make you both feel empowered, comfortable and, most importantly, turned on.
9. Add food into the mix
Nothing says sweet like incorporating chocolate, whipped cream and/or strawberries into your sex play, Brito says. Try licking the elements off of each other, feeding each other, or even creating fun phallic moves with the food items. 'It can be as fun and playful as you want it to be,' she adds.
10. Snag some lingerie
'Lingerie is becoming a lot more inclusive for all body types,' Jenkins Hall says. Humans are extremely visual creatures, she adds, which is why amping up the outfit you’re wearing adds another layer of sensuality and can increase sexual allure. 'Lingerie can even help you become more comfortable with your own body, to have sex and be seen, to be present,' she adds. In short, it can be a freakin' confidence builder. (Win!)
11. Try temperature play
Another way to spice up your sex life? Incorporate temperature play into the bedroom, says Brito. Try classic techniques like grabbing an ice cube and gently running it up and down each other's bodies, Brito says, or blowing hot air onto each other's legs, arms, or necks with deep inhale and exhale breaths. In short, the various temps bring a new physical sensation to sex that you might not have experienced before.
12. Get real about your feelings
Maybe spicing up your sex life means getting in tune with how you really feel about the act overall. 'If you’re having painful feelings during sex or anxiety surrounding doing it, it might be helpful to speak with a professional,' Jenkins Hall says.
This is especially true if you feel these reactions might be a result of trauma. Whether you see a gynaecologist, a nurse practitioner, a licensed therapist, or a clinical counsellor, know that you’re taking a step in the right direction toward healing, affirms Jenkins Hall. 'Reach out to those healthcare providers because you can’t expect your partner to treat you,' she adds. 'Then, talk to your partner about those feelings you're having, and come up with a game plan that includes sex that is relaxing and pleasurable for you.'
13. Have makeup sex
'Makeup sex is a way that many people reconnect after a conflict or tension in their relationship,' Jenkins Hall says. Coming together (literally) after an intense argument is 'hot because you’re getting all that energy out on each other,' she says, adding, 'but make sure you address the real problem going on.' While you shouldn't consider sex a cure-all for your relationship issues, it can help you and your partner get back on track toward reconnection and conflict resolution.
14. Give upside down oral a try
Sound fun to you? Great. 'It’s basically an example of putting a new twist on something you might do routinely,' Jenkins Hall explains. 'Doing it upside down is just a new element.' Of course, make sure you’re trying out this new position safely and with comfort in mind, she adds.
Wondering how to do it? Try laying down horizontally on the bed, facing the ceiling, with your head just barely hanging over the side. Then, your partner can meet your face with their genitalia, giving you the freedom to lick, suck, tease, and all the like. The angle that your partner’s genitals (or vice versa) hits your mouth will provide them with a new sensation which, yup, will definitely spice things up for you both.
15. Take control
'Get in the front seat of your sex life, and tell your partner what you want. Whether it’s telling them where you want to be kissed, touched, or held, it’s all a way to ensure you get the orgasms that you desire,' Jenkins Hall says. Why sit on the sidelines of your own sex life when you could be coaching the team, right?
If you're not sure where to begin, start with a simple script. 'Speak up and say 'touch me here' or 'do this slower,' and you’re going to get the pleasure that you seek,' she advises. Directing your partner not only helps ensure you’re actually getting satisfying sex, but will empower them to repeat those moves next time because they know that's what you like.
16. Incorporate pre-sex yoga
Try having both you and your partner do some pre-sex yoga, as it can totally help you get in the right mindset—especially after a stressful work day or an afternoon of juggling kiddos. (Hey, don't knock it till you try it!) 'When people are doing yoga, they tend to be more mindful,' Jenkins Hall says. 'When you’re in tune with yourself and you have a clear body and mind, that can translate to the bedroom.' Translation: Yoga can teach you to be more aware of your body and your partner’s body, which can, in turn, make sex more pleasurable.
17. Go public (if you can)
'Having sex in public is a fantasy for many people,' says Jenkins Hall. 'They like it because there’s the possibility and the thrill of getting caught.'
You have to be careful, though, because each city and jurisdiction has its own laws about public indecency, Jenkins Hall advises. Pro tip: Go into a secluded place at dusk to keep yourself away from potential viewers, which brings me to...
18. Take it to the backseat
Yup, car sex. 'This has a bit of nostalgia to it. For a lot of people, it reminds them of a time when the only place for private sex was in their car,' Jenkins Hall says. 'Just make sure you’re doing it in a space where you won't get in trouble.' (ICYMI, it’s not hot to have your neighbor knocking on your steamy car door.)
19. Try different penetration techniques
That is, if you and your partner(s) are comfortable with switching it up. 'Think about pegging, which a lot of people are into,' Jenkins Hall suggests. 'It’s a perfectly safe way to explore your boundaries for using different sex toys with your partner.' It can also open them up to another aspect of pleasure, since the prostate is a very sensitive area, she adds.
20. Do anal play.
'Anal play doesn’t have to be intimidating,' Jenkins Hall says. 'There are anal beads, small butt plugs, or strap-on dildos, and just lots of ways to explore this with your partner.' You can even just try oral sex on the anus (a.k.a. rimming), which doesn’t have to involve any kind of penetration.
Meet the experts: Jenni Skyler, PhD, is a certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute. Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, is a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta. Janet Brito, PhD, is a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii.
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