The Secret Life of the Zoo at Christmas, review: cute pandas and amorous fish provide welcome respite from the human race
"It was quite amorous in the beginning, like all relationships. But it’s tailed off recently. He’s sat there in the evening with a pint, watching telly. She’s in the kitchen doing the dishes.” So went the sad ballad of Clark and Doris in The Secret Life of the Zoo at Christmas (Channel 4). Yes, the zoo. Clark and Doris are fish. The ghost of Johnny Morris must have been looking on with an approving smile.
This show set in Chester Zoo has been going for eight series now. What is the secret of its popularity? The animals are adorable, the keepers clearly love their charges, there are more good news stories than bad. Perhaps the zoo’s inhabitants are a welcome respite from the human race. As one keeper put it: “I often think that if chimps were running the country, all the problems would be solved a lot quicker. Possibly not as democratically.” Oh, I don’t know about that last bit.
The Christmas theme saw the staff wearing Santa hats and doling out festive food treats: sprouts for the pigs, star-shaped watermelon for the tree kangaroos. But otherwise it was business as usual. The cuteness came in the form of two red panda cubs, the first to be born at Chester in five years. The proud parents were Nima and Koda: “Nima wears the trousers. She takes no messing.” Many people struggle with the idea of zoos, and of wild animals being kept in captivity; the programme tries hard to answer those critics by stressing the conservation role and propagation of species.
In an attempt to breed more mascara barb fish, poor Doris was forced to sling her hook and Kourtney, Kim and Khloe Kardashian moved into the tank. Clark was so terrified by these lusty females that he hid behind a stone. In the end Doris came back, and Clark rediscovered his passion for her. We didn’t see him have a pint or put the telly on once.
