Rizzle Kicks' Jordan Stephens on Positive Masculinity and Living with ADHD
He shot to fame in his late teens, as one half of British hip-hop act Rizzle Kicks. Now Jordan Stephens is the author of a new memoir, Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak and Dogs. He shares his greatest lessons with Men’s Health.
You act, speak, write and sing. How do you describe what you do?
I’m most comfortable saying writer and performer. The relationship I’m most intrigued by is with the written word. Even musically – I love writing lyrics. I know I’m a good communicator, so I enjoy doing things like talking on podcasts. But the long game for me is definitely writing. I feel like a book is a real moment. I [write] with the dream of it living beyond me – that’s what’s so powerful about words. We’re still reading the Beat Poets and about road trips people took in the ’40s, you know?
Your new book is called Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak and Dogs. What’s with the last one?
It does stand out, doesn’t it? In the book I talk about a relationship where I fucked up. The woman left me, and I embarked upon this journey of trying to break some kind of cycle. I ended up rescuing a dog, because I wanted to understand the basic fundamentals of love. Even though it’s transactional, it was a real building block: if I feed this dog and care for him, the dog will love me back and he won’t judge me. Now I have two. I’ve learned so much from my dogs, and the way they go through life.
What’s your take on avoidance?
After I went through this breakup, I literally went to relationship school. I wasn’t playing around. I was like, ‘How do I change, so that I never put another person through that again?’ My relationship now is definitely the most successful I’ve ever been in, and I’m very much in love. The feedback I get is that there are people wandering into their thirties and forties – especially men – not having addressed their intimacy issues. It’s really common for guys to struggle to cope with how it feels to hug a person, allowing themselves to be hugged and to experience real love. A lot of my girl friends say these guys are just so hard to reach, and communicate with. It’s a real issue.
What’s a book that changed your life?
I found understanding attachment theory really helpful. The difference it’s made to my relationships is wild. Now I’m comfortable with hugs and kisses and expressing affection in public with my girlfriend. Before, I just felt like I couldn’t access it – I was so frightened.
But years ago, I listened to an audiobook called Your Brain on Love by Stan Tatkin. He reworks attachment theory slightly: instead of ‘anxious’, ‘avoidant’ and ‘secure’, there’s ‘waves’, ‘islands’ and ‘anchors’, and he discusses how those attachments interact. I was an island, for sure – but now, I understand why I react the way I do and can explain it to others.
What does good mental health look like to you?
I think the dream scenario, for people who are aware of their ever-evolving mental states, is to not be afraid of discomfort. Right now, my mental health feels pretty good, but I’m really trying to focus on allowing for those transitional times: some things are going to knock me or spin me out. I’m in this place now where I know that I can deal with those moments of discomfort and be okay. That’s peak mental health, that’s the dream.
What’s something you do every day for your mental health?
I walk my dogs. Genuinely: walking is actually one of the most healing things anyone can do. People will be diagnosed with depression and told to walk, and they’ll be fuming about it. But, on my life: there’s nothing more rewarding than going for a walk every morning. I don’t count my steps, but sometimes, if I’m driving somewhere, I’ll park far away from where I need to be and walk the rest.
What’s the rest of your workout routine like?
I work out with my friend, who’s a great PT. We do 45 minutes at my local gym, mainly lifting weights. I find that really good for anxiety, and I absolutely love feeling strong – like I can pick up my dogs, or my girlfriend. She’s just started lifting weights, too.
You’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. What’s one thing you wish people knew about the condition?
It’s not the same for everyone, but I’ve always struggled with keeping things tidy. I’ve been called lazy; people have gotten frustrated with me. But it’s not personal: when I look at mess, my brain turns off. If I could tidy it up right now, I would. I lose my own stuff all the time. But – and this is important – having ADHD is also not an excuse. I’m actively working to find ways around it. I’ve got so much better, with habit-stacking and the Pomodoro method – having a short window in which to do things.
What music do you listen to – to unwind or hype yourself up?
To destress, I always listen to Lianne La Havas. She’s an incredible singer, and all her albums are good – but listen to Blood. To amp myself up, I’ll listen to Jungle – the band, not the genre – or Kendrick Lamar, one of my favourite artists. I’ve listened to the song Euphoria a disgusting amount of times. I fucking love that song, and its complete deconstruction of Drake.
What does masculinity mean to you?
I think masculinity and femininity are energies that exist in tandem, like yin and yang: they need to be balanced within an individual. But now we have this performative masculinity, where it’s all about avoiding emotion or weakness. There’s so much casual homophobia, misogyny and aggression. I understand why that might seem easier, but these guys are going through life never allowing themselves to feel loved or connected to their bodies. I think surely that it’s our responsibility as men to take our time to integrate the feminine into our being. I get pushback from men when I say that, but the things that we love about masculinity – that women love – that’s not what’s under fire. Like, bro: you can go to the gym, get ripped, even engage in combat if you want. I’m not saying that men need to be passive. I’m just saying: you’re allowed to feel connection and love. It’s not one or the other.
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