How a simple 'thank you' can strengthen relationships
We usually think of saying ‘thank you’ as basic manners. But, when it comes to the people closest to us, it’s surprisingly easy to forget to show gratitude.
Having previously explored how gratitude impacts the relationship between couples, researchers from the University of Illinois College of Agricultural, Consumer and Environmental Sciences looked into how the benefits of ‘perceived gratitude’ can also apply to parent-child relationships.
The initial study, led by lead author Allen Barton, Illinois Extension specialist and assistant professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies, found that making a partner feel appreciated is "a pretty influential factor for various aspects of the relationship".
"Individuals who feel more appreciated by their partners are more confident, satisfied, and committed, and less concerned about instability," Barton said.
In the follow-up study, published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, the researchers wanted to "explore perceived gratitude in the broader family context" in order to determine if it makes a difference for both the individuals and their relationships with one another, as well as for parenting outcomes.
The study involved 593 parents who were married or in a romantic relationship, and had at least one child aged between four and 17. Participants answered a series of questions about perceived gratitude from their spouse or partner and from their children.
They found that individuals who felt their spouses or partners appreciated them had better couple outcomes, but this did not affect levels of parenting stress.
However, those who reported perceived gratitude from children, both older and younger, felt less parenting stress.
Women were more likely to report lower levels of perceived gratitude from romantic partners and from older children, like teenagers. The study also found that higher levels of perceived gratitude from children resulted in beneficial effects for female participants only.
Barton said that this result was consistent with previous research showing that women’s contributions to the family are "often less acknowledged by men".
"It’s never 50/50 in any relationship and parents are going to be doing more than their kids, but nevertheless, our results highlight that making sure individuals’ efforts for the family are acknowledged and appreciated by other family members is important.
"And conversely, there is a clear evidence that a lack of feeling appreciated by the family members you’re trying to help leads to negative outcomes for the family."
He emphasised the importance of spouses and partners expressing gratitude for the other person, as this helps teach children to do the same.
"If you see your partner doing something really helpful for a child, you can remind that child to say, ‘Thank you, mum’, or ‘Thanks dad’ for what they just did," he advised.
"You can develop an ongoing way of thinking and a pattern of interaction that promotes gratitude - both giving and receiving - within the home."
Explaining why showing and receiving gratitude is so important, family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin tells Yahoo UK: "Gratitude can be a really powerful tool in the family dynamic. Thanking family members can help them to feel appreciated and loved.
"When a child or young person feels that they are appreciated, they are more likely to show this behaviour to other people. Validating family members for who they are and what they have done helps to strengthen family bonds."
Yassin, who is the founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, adds: "There is also an increased sense of satisfaction and happiness for the person who is giving the gratitude, too. Researchers studying gratitude have found that being thankful and expressing it to others helps us to build trust and closer the bond with the people around us.
"Outward expressions of gratitude are an important part of positive role-modelling for parents. It's beneficial for children to see parents or grandparents showing gratitude to other adults.”
To help families practise more gratitude, she suggests starting a ‘gratitude jar’. "When anyone in the family feels thankful or grateful for something or someone, they write it down on a piece of paper and pop it in the jar. Every week, you can set a time to come together as a family unit, empty the jar and read out the notes."
Read more about sex and relationships:
Only a third of parents put safeguards on their children's device (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
Parenting experts on how to raise 'unspoilt' children, as Ayda Field Williams reveals her methods (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
Is marriage really better for couples and children? An expert weighs in (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)
