‘I raised my daughters to be career women – now I wish they would give me grandchildren’

Sometimes you read words that strike so close to home you feel you could have uttered them yourself. Dame Jenni Murray’s recent comments on grandchildren – how badly she longs for them – did just that for me. The broadcaster said that although she raised her two sons to expect complete equality and they’re both with “clever, ambitious young women”, deep down she longs for a continuation of the family that has not yet come – admitting that “dogs are not an adequate substitute.”

At 70, Murray is one year younger than me, and I imagine we are both increasingly aware that life is finite. I look ahead and see myself in my eighties, if I’m lucky, too old and creaky to get on the floor and play, or cope with a small child staying overnight. But of course, these children are so far imaginary – my two daughters show no sign of broodiness, and I know that me dropping hints like some awful old woman from the 1950s will only antagonise them.

The problem is, we’re all getting older and I worry that they’re leaving it too late. My eldest, Gilly, is nearly 38 – a happily married barrister who adores her job; I know she worries that children would tie them down and affect the career she’s put so much hard work into. And Alison, 35, works in business in London – she has never had a long-term relationship, and seems to be going on a new Tinder date every week. I am wary of mentioning the ‘baby issue’, partly because I feel responsible – like Murray, I was very committed to equality and we sent them to a girls’ school that championed success over ‘settling down’.

The other problem is, they grow up so much later these days. My generation was often married with kids and a house by their mid-twenties, whereas younger people now are in extended adolescence for a decade more. Unfortunately, the biological clock doesn’t know about all that. I dread sounding like Bridget Jones’s mother, crying: “Tick tock, darling!”, but I am also aware that after 35, fertility drops significantly, and after 40 it gets much harder to conceive naturally. Friends have made reassuring noises about IVF and egg-freezing, yet I can’t imagine phoning my daughters to talk about it – it’s none of my business.

Ali is now the age I was when I had her, which back then was termed a ‘geriatric’ pregnancy – yet in her head, she’s still years off settling down. I long to hold a baby that’s part of our family; I weave elaborate fantasies about baking with two little girls, or taking small boys to the museum… and yet they may never be anything but a figment of my imagination.

I had the most wonderful grandparents: my grandad loved to garden, and my granny was loving and fun, helping me to bake wonky cakes. I was lucky enough to have them in my life until my twenties, as did the girls with our own parents, and I long to fill that kindly role. Parenting is hard, but according to my friends, being a grandparent is pure joy.

I admire Murray for admitting she’s jealous of friends who are already grandparents. My best friend, Pamela, became Granny Pammy at just 54, and now has three lovely granddaughters and one grandson. She adores them all, and when I’m over there she sweetly insists they call me ‘Auntie’ and I send them sweets at Christmas. But it’s not the same. I feel so yearning and envious.

I’m lucky in that my husband Jim understands. His grandma used to look after him and his brother after school; though he doesn’t long as openly as I do for grandchildren, I know how much fulfilment he’d get out of having them around. Older people tend to have more reserves of patience and as we’re both retired, we have so much time we could offer too.

Of course, I’m so glad the girls are happy and successful. But despite everything, I still hope that one day – in the not too distant future – one of them will feel the urge to have a baby, not least because they’d both be wonderful mothers. Of course, I will not say any of this. I imagine they know how much I’d love grandchildren – but I won’t add to the pressure by asking. Like Murray, I will simply have to wait silently. If it isn’t to be, I will accept their decisions, and be grateful for what I have.

*Names and certain details have been changed

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