‘I quit drinking coffee over a year ago - it's the best decision I've ever made’
It was just an average commute home from work when I felt ‘the fear’ start to set in. Was I really going to die, or had I simply drank too much coffee... again?
Looking back, most of my life has been propped up by caffeine in some shape or form. As a little kid, I was given cans of Coke to drink through a straw; after discovering a batch of dusty bottles in my parent’s garage, Tia Maria became my teenage tipple of choice; student nights out were powered by vodka Red Bulls; litres of Jägerbomb made my twenties a blur; in my thirties, my days often started with multiple (at least two) cafetières of coffee before I had left the house, and for years, when I worked long hours at a newspaper, I had a cafetière in my desk drawer, too.
Throw in my penchant for grande iced Americanos from Starbucks (with two extra shots of espresso and a dollop of vanilla syrup) and it’s safe to say that I was happily hooked on caffeine.
Caffeine was my liquid sidekick through thick and thin, always there, coaxing me out of bed, getting me moving, egging me on, keeping me up late, and to my ignorance, due to the sheer amount I was consuming – which was way over the NHS' recommendation of maximum two cups of coffee a day — having a hugely negative effect on my physical and mental health.
Giving it up never really crossed my mind until May 2023, a period of my life that, in hindsight, feels totally alien to me now. A few weeks before my final cup of coffee, I was sitting on the DLR, reading a book when suddenly I felt the twinge of an imminent panic attack.
My Fitbit showed my heart rate was over 140 bpm and climbing, and despite it being a glorious spring evening, my vision began to shift, the walls of the train and the skyscrapers of Canary Wharf outside starting to close in and crush me. Dark thoughts and powerful, unchecked emotions swirled through my mind. I was dizzy, sweaty and clammy. All I could think about, at that moment, was how much I wanted to be at home, with my pet cats, door locked, where I felt safe.
For the past three months, since witnessing a deeply traumatic event at a house party, panic attacks like this had become an increasingly frequent, and frightening, part of my life. From summer 2019 until then they had been sporadic and normally happened either when I was about to leave the house, or I was on my way to work, or I was on my way to my now ex-boyfriend’s house, a 90-minute shlep away from where I live.
Surprisingly, despite the global news agenda and daily death tallies, they stopped during lockdown, probably as I wasn’t under any pressure to go beyond my front door. But, now they were happening during the day, in the middle of the night, always out of nowhere and when I least expected it. I was terrified, and I felt like I was losing my mind.
Quitting caffeine wasn’t an intentional choice for me. After one particularly horrendous panic attack, which led to a huge row between me and my then-partner – who sadly struggled to be sympathetic to my new, near-constant state of hypervigilance, fear and angst – I suffered an "emotional hangover" so severe that I struggled to eat or drink for several days. As I slowly came out of the mental fog, I realised that I hadn’t had a coffee for 96 hours. The withdrawal symptoms – thumping headache, shakes, low mood - were present, but I had been too numb to even put the kettle on.
I decided to see if I could last an entire week without having a coffee, mostly to see if it would stop me having any more panic attacks. A week came, I survived. I bought some decaf coffee, and tried to get to a fortnight. Too, that milestone passed, so I aimed for a month. By then, I had started having weekly therapy sessions to help with my anxiety, my panic attacks had all but ceased, and I decided to stick with decaf indefinitely.
However, going cold turkey like I did is not recommended, and it's better to wean yourself off with a gradual reduction. Nutritionist Jenna Hope tells me, 'Often going cold turkey from coffee can cause extreme headaches (depending on your coffee consumption prior to quitting).
'Therefore for those who consume large amounts of coffee they’re better slowly reducing their daily intake and then switching to lower caffeinated drinks such as green tea before removing it entirely. This can help to ease some of the withdrawal symptoms. Staying hydrated is vital when quitting coffee too. It can take between 10-12 hours for caffeine to leave your system entirely.'
Reassessing your relationship with coffee can also bring financial benefits. If you're usually buying one or two a day from a chain, giving up or even just cutting back can lead to significant savings over the course of a year.
It's important to note that different people tolerate caffeine differently, and it does have some proven health benefits. One is that coffee is rich in natural plant compounds called polyphenols, which are packed with antioxidants - vital for ageing well and warding off disease.
The first thing I noticed after giving up coffee was that I was sleeping so much better. I was falling asleep faster, I wasn't waking up with night terrors, and when I opened my eyes in the morning I felt rested and fresh, able to get up and do things without the crutch of a large mug of black coffee. I love starting the day with a decaf now, mostly for the ritual, but if I don't have one I'm not clutching my head in agony, or going about in a foul mood.
I stopped craving sugary foods, and my regular 3pm snack break totally vanished, which was bad news for the Pret near the Women's Health office. My skin and eyes are clearer, perhaps as I now sleep better and wake up feeling genuinely rested. Most importantly my calmer nervous system gave me the chance to use the CBT tools I was given by my therapist.
Most crucially, I stopped constantly expecting the worst case scenario, I felt calmer in myself and my decisions gradually become more thoughtful and logical, which has continued until the present day.
But that's not to say that restricting my caffeine intake immediately made my life easier and solved all my problems overnight. After months of therapy, I learned that my panic attacks were a symptom of something much deeper than simply being "over caffeinated" - I was actually at the mercy of undiagnosed, unchecked and untreated C-PTSD, and I had been trapped in an active episode triggered by witnessing the traumatic event.
Nevertheless, the side effects of drinking cup-upon-cup of strong, black coffee - like an increased, irregular heart rate - were sending my nervous system, and in turn, my internal threat register, absolutely haywire, making my condition a lot worse and harder to manage. I had learnt about my malfunctioning fight or flight system during my time at the BodyHoliday in St. Lucia, and one of their doctor's recommendations was that I reduce the amount of coffee I drank. For me, it made sense to totally eliminate it from my diet.
Today, a year on, I wouldn't describe myself as totally caffeine free. Although I have given up "proper coffee", there is a tiny speck of it in my daily decaf; a big slice of coffee and walnut cake is still my sweet treat of choice; and I'm never going to turn down a piece of chocolate. FYI, a serving of dark chocolate has about a quarter of the amount of caffeine found in a cup of coffee, and milk varieties have even less.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I have "fallen off the wagon" a few times, too. Firstly, quite soon after the initial quitting, I drank rum and Cokes at a gig (as it was either that or overpriced pints of Heineken or warm white wine, vom), and I've had two nights out fuelled by Espresso Martinis, which were so much fun that the payback, a vicious combo of hangover and caffeine withdrawal symptoms, were well worth it. TBH, Espresso Martinis are the thing I miss I have missed the most during my year without coffee, but having seen that Conker sell a decaf coffee liqueur, and after drinking one made with decaf in Ibiza, they could be a regular treat this summer...
My caffeine-free favourites
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