Is watching porn harmful to romantic relationships?
If you find your partner's passion for adult entertainment upsetting or it interferes with your self-esteem, you might be questioning their loyalty to your relationship and wondering if watching porn counts as cheating. But is it possible to enjoy pornography and still enjoy a healthy relationship?
Certified sex coach, sexologist, educator and writer Gigi Engle looks at the pros and cons of pornography and how to make it work for you:
Is it normal to watch porn?
People tend to have very strong feelings about pornography. They really run the gamut from enjoying it, to general distaste, to downright hatred and some people believe it is responsible for the downfall of civilisation. The first important matter to address is that there is nothing inherently wrong with porn.
'There is nothing wrong with watching people have sex on film. It can be beautiful, erotic, intimate, [and] arousing,' says Erika Lust, a world-renowned indie adult film maker.
Porn is a form of entertainment. It was not designed to teach you about sex education. Since we have such poor sex education in the world (other than in the Netherlands) and sexuality is still so deeply stigmatised, porn can become the default way we learn about sex. This isn’t porn’s fault, it’s society’s fault.
Porn is a highly stylised, super inaccurate (in most cases), version of sex. It’s hard to count the amount of times this author has looked at a cheaply made porn video on RedTube and thought, 'Well, I don’t know why she’s making so much noise because that jackhammering nonsense is not going to produce an orgasm!'
Understanding porn for what it is, removing shame, and taking time to actually find high-quality erotic material can help alleviate the guilt or shame you feel around porn. This is a particularly important conversation to have when it comes to women and our collective and individual relationships with porn. Male folks are not the only ones watching smut. Women watch porn, and a wide variety of it at that! Just look at this map from PornHub. A quarter of PornHub’s users are women.
Here is the real, gritty, no-nonsense stuff you need to know about how to responsibly enjoy porn:
Porn can be good for your sex life
Porn is just for entertainment and it can up the ante on your sex life. It’s like adding a little spice to an already awesome experience.
'[Porn] can be fun, exciting, and enriching for your sex life, whether that's by yourself or partnered. We evolved as highly flexible sexual and social strategists; variety in what we like across our species is part of why we are here. Porn helps us get the variety, novelty, and adventure that we (especially women) need,' says Wednesday Martin, PhD, anthropologist and author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.
A great way for couples to connect and get on the same page with porn is to watch it together. Try finding a video you both like (recommendations below!) and mutually masturbate next to each other. You can even make out or have sex while watching it. It can be very hot to watch your partner touch themselves. When you use erotic material this way, it allows porn to become not just a solo-activity, but something the two of you share together.
Who knows? A great porn scene might even give you a few ideas for your next IRL sex session.
How to enjoy porn in moderation
Porn, like all the fun things, can be used in an unhealthy manner. If you or your partner is watching so much pornography that it’s affecting your real life relationship, have a conversation and create an action plan for this.
“Porn addiction” is a hotly contested subject in the sexual health community. As a certified coach and sexologist, in my practice I lean more towards “porn compulsion” than referring to it as an addiction.
It can be a problem if you’re using it so much that real sex feels lacklustre, boring, or under stimulating. The important thing is to keep your use in check and make sure it isn’t affecting other areas of your life or your relationship.
Watching porn doesn’t just affect partnered relationships. Using porn compulsively can impact many areas of your life. Lust says that if you’re cancelling plans or missing obligations to watch porn, it might be time to check yourself.
What to do if your partner’s porn habits upset you
If your partner's porn habit genuinely upsets you and messes with your self-esteem, it’s time to have a sit down, honest conversation about it. As celebrity sexologist, Dr. Emily Morse, famously says: Communication is lubrication.
We need to be honest about our feelings rather than sitting idly by, waiting for the issues to solve themselves. That isn’t how relationships work. And you might wind up resenting your partner rather than working to mend the rift.
'Tread lightly and choose your words wisely, because nothing is more upsetting or alienating than feeling like your sexuality is being judged! Try, "I want to understand what turns you on better" as a starting point,' Martin says. 'This is an invitation, not a judgement, and will help frame the discussion as one driven by your curiosity and desire to connect.'
Martin says it’s also important to look inward and take responsibility for your own insecurity. 'First I'd advise you bend the question back on yourself. Why are you concerned? Is your partner not going to work because they'd rather watch porn? Not keeping up with friends and family because they prefer porn time? Not wanting to connect with you because they prefer porn? These are real causes for concern,' she says.
If the answer to these questions is no and you simply don’t like that they watch porn, that’s more of an issue you have, not your partner.
Lust agrees, 'People usually do not turn to porn to fill a hole in their relationship, it is mostly used for self-pleasure and masturbation, which is a very healthy part of adult relationships.'
Find porn that appeals to you
One of the biggest issues women face with porn is one most people probably haven’t even considered: Mainstream free porn is made with a male view in mind. Everything about these videos is designed for men; from the bleached blond hair of the actresses to their hairless vulvas.
'Take time to look at different types of porn online. Don't be put off by content that might not be to your taste on the tube sites. Porn is not a monolith. There is something for everyone and a quick google search will give you interesting resources to begin looking for the right thing for you,' Lust tells us.
A secret key to getting into porn is by finding GOOD quality porn. Have you ever heard of ethical porn? Yes, it’s a thing. Ethical porn is made with fair wages to actors, realistic representations of bodies, and a focus on female pleasure (AKA: The clitoris actually gets touched in these erotic movies).
Female-friendly porn
Start with Erika Lust herself. Her films are beautifully made and incredibly hot. Check out her series XConfessions. Another great option is Lady Cheeky, run by the glorious sex educator, Elle Chase. It’s a tumblr style porn site with tons of sexy videos, pictures, and gifs.
Check out 'BDSM and erotic movies made with a feminist perspective look for films by Madison Young,' Lust says. 'Shine Louise Houston's 'Crash Pad Series.' I also love TrenchCoatX, which has a wide variety of scene-based porn movies.
Or, if you're not into watching porn there are a number of audio porn options available like Dipsea or Quinn. They offer bite-sized erotics stories that will definitely get your juices flowing.
If you want good porn, most of the time you have to pay for it. You pay for Netflix, why not pay for a porn subscription? This might be a truly eye-opening experience. Go forth and explore!
💟 Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, sexologist, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
Last updated: 14-10-19
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