Platonic ick: Why am I suddenly irritated by my friends?
Nothing seems to sound the relationship death knell more than the dreaded ick. As soon as you’re repulsed by everything your partner or situationship does – running for the bus and missing it anyway, the way they put on lip balm (boy specific), their penchant for finger guns – it can feel like there’s no way back. But what if the person you’ve got the ick for isn’t a lover but a friend?
Although – surprise! – it sucks to break up with someone, it’s a very common phenomenon, with most people enduring a break-up at least once in their lives. This means that there’s a post-break-up script – i.e. that you never speak to that person again (whether it’s adhered to or not is a different story). But friend break-ups can be more complicated, partly because they’re more stigmatised, but mostly because you tend to have more history with friends than partners and, more often than not, you share a friendship group or other ties with them. It’s not so easy to dump Sarah from primary school when your families spend Christmas together.
So, what should you do if you get the platonic ick? And why does it happen, anyway?
Unlike in fledgling romantic relationships – where the ick can seemingly come out of nowhere and make even the most innocuous mannerisms revolting – friendship icks seem to have more weight behind them. As per a recent survey (which found that searches for ‘friendship ick’ have increased by 33% over the past year), some of the most common platonic icks are: lateness, rudeness, self-involvement, flakiness, constantly putting you down, bragging, flirting with your partner, being slow to reply, demanding a lot of your attention, and bad table manners.
While you might have been able to forgive any of these (except maybe flirting with your partner) at the beginning of the friendship, or may not have noticed it at all, the more time you spend with someone, the ickier these traits can become. “Familiarity sometimes breeds contempt in friendships, and too much exposure can be draining and exhaust our tolerance levels,” says psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber. “It could be word choices or feeling copied or subtly bullied – what was generously overlooked now becomes the obvious thing. A friend’s foibles might have once felt charming but now feel infuriating.”
“Somewhat connected to over familiarity is excessive generosity,” she continues. “If we’ve given too much of ourselves in a friendship, there can be a kind of seething generosity, remorse, a realisation of unfairness, and outrage over a sense of injustice.”
This is tied to one of 27-year-old Bukiie Smart’s – whose TikTok on friendship icks recently went viral – major grievances in a friendship: not reciprocating the effort to stay in touch. “Poor communication and taking weeks or months to see or speak to me [is a huge ick],” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “Everyone is busy, but you can never be too busy for people you want to do life with.” Though, she admits, “I’m a work in progress for this too”.
It can also work the other way. 26-year-old Fiona* recently got the ick with a friend who was being too generous towards her – or, as Fiona puts it, too needy. “This friend was making me feel bad for not seeing them ‘enough’,” she recalls. “Even though they knew I was going through it and not seeing anyone, they thought I should have been prioritising them. It made me feel embarrassed for them that they’re asking too much of me, which made me feel icky and want to run further away.”
“I can find life pretty overwhelming sometimes,” Fiona continues, “so if someone asks for too much of me or demands my time when I don’t want to give it, they’re the first ones to go.” She adds that she never really gets the platonic ick at random; it tends to happen over a long period of time, and she can feel it coming on slowly. “Granted, I don’t set my boundaries soon enough to communicate that I need space,” she says. “I just avoid the situation – and the person – until it fizzles out.”
At a time when we’re all expected to be ‘switched on’ and reachable at all times, it’s no wonder people on both sides of the coin – whether you’re annoyed by your over- or under-communicative friend – are feeling frustrated, exhausted, and generally icked out by this time-consuming demand. You know what they say, absence – and maybe a break from the internet – makes the heart grow fonder and the brain less frazzled.
But what about other icks? Fox Weber says icks that stem from the likes of a clash in values can carry more weight, and may even be a sign that you’ve outgrown the friendship. “If a friend makes a choice that clashes with your sense of right and wrong, it can be hard to stomach and can even feel like an attack on your integrity,” she explains. “The ‘ick’ can feel like psychological survival, identifying what’s tolerable and what’s unbearable. Disgust is such a fierce and glaring response, and it’s hard to ignore. As unpleasant as it is to experience disgust, it feels like a signal to take seriously.”
For Bukiie, the way a friend responds to criticism can also be a potentially serious ick. “[It’s revealing when I tell a friend I’m] hurt from a situation and instead of taking responsibility and accountability, they turn it back on issues they have with me without acknowledging my feelings,” she says. This is kind of a full circle ick: you get the ick, you tell your friend, and they ick you out more. “It’s normal for someone to get defensive [during a conversation like this], but they shouldn’t belittle or discredit what I’m saying,” continues Bukiie, adding that she usually tries to have another friend present during the post-ick chat to mediate.
But are we all too quick to get the ick? And is this actually a sign of a bigger problem? Really, the ‘platonic ick’ is just another buzzword for a tale as old as time: sometimes getting annoyed at the people you’re closest with. Yet it’s no coincidence the term is gaining traction now. Over the last couple of years, there’s been an increase in dystopian TikToks and tweets offering templates for how to ‘politely’ tell your friends you’re “at capacity” and can’t help them with their problems, robotic, HR-ified tips on “how to break up with a friend”, and accusations of ‘trauma dumping’ or ‘emotional labour’ when a friend is sharing a grievance or asking for advice.
All of this is, arguably, more a reflection of the current climate than of our friends as individuals. As per recent stats, one in five Brits over the age of 16 are stressed every single day, while 63% of people in the UK are stressed weekly. It’s no secret that more stress = more irritability. Could it be that we’re simply taking this out on our friends? What’s more, in an era of rising selfishness and individualism – defined by self-care, therapy-speak, and boundary-setting – we’re all more attuned to so-called toxic behaviour. The problem is that we’re not very good at spotting this behaviour in ourselves, nor knowing when something really is ‘toxic’.
That’s not to say you’re not entitled to feel annoyed at your mates, tell them about it, or even take a break from them for a while. Bad behaviour and manners are worth calling out, and even distancing yourself from if needs be (selfish self-care isn’t all bad!). But – and not to be too preachy here – we could all do with being a little more patient with each other and our flaws. At the very least, we should be talking to each other if we’re feeling irritated, hassled, or generally icked out. After all, there might be more to a friend’s chronic lateness, flakiness, or self-involvement than you realise, especially if it’s a new trait.
Fox Weber recommends first clarifying the central problem. “If you decide to confront, you can be honest without having to character assassinate,” she says. “Ask yourself what you want going forward. If you want to protect the connection, it can help to cool off and take a break from the friendship without cancelling it entirely or ghosting someone. If you have hope of working through an issue with the friend, it should be possible to talk about a problem without blowing up your relationship. Conflict in friendships can be especially tricky to navigate because, past school, we’re not always good at repairing a rupture. But avoidance can mean a quiet quitting of important connections, which isn’t the most congruent way to live. If you can say what you feel in a respectful and encouraging way, it might save an important friendship.”
Bukiie says she always talks to the offending friend about her ick. “Sometimes when the ick is around communication, that makes it harder, but if it’s a friendship I’m willing to invest in, then I know it’ll take work,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “Plus, I’m not perfect either, so I expect things I do are annoying to the other person as well.”
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all way of dealing with the platonic ick, though. Fiona, for example, needs to totally check out for a while – something her friends have fortunately gotten used to. “Thankfully most of my good friends are similar to me, and we all ghost each other all the time,” she says. “We have a deep understanding that life is tough and sometimes you have to BRB to everything. Plus, that space and perspective allows me to analyse whether I want to come back to the friendship. Then, after apologising and explaining, we can move forward with the friendship in a way that works for both of us.”
*Name has been changed
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