Petition to make dirty talk sexy again
Your favourite hate-watch The Idol has now concluded on Sky after widely being slammed by TV critics and viewers alike for effectively glorifying problematic sex and torture porn, and there’s one stomach-turning sex scene from Sam Levison’s much-maligned series that will remain a comedic mainstay of internet culture for the foreseeable future.
The scene was supposed to depict the scandalous sexual rebirth of popstar Jocelyn, played by Lily-Rose Depp, as she falls deeper under the spell of sleazy self-help guru come cult leader Tedros (Abel ‘The Weeknd’ Tesfaye). After a laboured preamble, which saw Jocelyn masturbating on a bed, wecut to Tedros’ deadpan dirty-talk diatribe, including the line: ‘fuckin’ stretch that tiny little pussy’.
The scene spawned a thousand TikToks, The Idol’s sex talk was not necessarily unrealistic. A friend recalled how one partner, in the heat of the moment, asked her to bring her ‘sloppy wet cunt’ over to his face. Another friend cackled with laughter as she remembered an ex describing her vagina as ‘succulent’, as though he were describing a cooked goose.
Godawful dirty talk is not reserved for teenage boys who mistakenly believe they’ve got rizz- even celebrities suck at sexy chat. Who can forget Adam Levine’s sexts, which included the low point: “Holy fucking fuck… that body of yours is absurd.” and everyone’s fave, “I may need to see the booty.”
In fact, our universal lack of language skills have left our bedrooms notably quieter: a 2020 study by Superdrug found one in five people have ended intercourse because their partner’s dirty talk turned them off.
So, is there a way to peddle verbal filth without feeling burning embarrassment or getting the ick? For sexologist Madalaine Munro, what makes dirty talk just so awkward is the naked vulnerability of the act; being rejected on just the strength (or weakness) of your words can be particularly cringeworthy..
“Verbal dirty talk can feel more vulnerable than phone/sex texting because you are already in an intimate position, trying something new with real time feedback, and you can’t hide behind a screen,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK.
“It can bring up layers of shame or judgement in the times when we are wanting to feel more arousal. A disconnect can happen between us and our partner and it can feel cringe because we don’t know how to navigate the situation.”
For those of us, then, who are keen to start expanding our sexual vocabularies and deep dive into dirty talk, Munro stresses that it’s vital to start by establishing clear, honest communication with your partner, as well as exploring their boundaries; think of it as co-authoring a story.
“Dirty talk is really personal,” she explains. “How aggressive you are will depend on your partner, and how they respond to dirty talk and what their desires are. You can check to see how your partner responds: is this increasing excitement or does it feel like they are checking out?
“I would stay away from derogatory words unless your partner has shared that they have a desire for certain words.”
But if you’re feeling too shy to talk dirty to someone’s facestraight away, Munro suggests sexting to begin with.
“This gives you time to digest the words, and feel into what works for you and how you want to respond,” she explains. “It can also feel easier, because you are only focusing on dirty talk whereas in sex, many things are happening and dirty talk may feel overwhelming, or take you out of your experience.”
However, that’s not to say when you are bringing chat into your coitus, that you need to be soliloquising at large like a filthy Shakespeare from the get-go. This isn’t a TED talk.
“I recommend starting with vocalising your pleasure through moans and single words, perhaps saying ‘yes’, their name, or directions such as ‘harder,’’ Munro suggests. “You could then add in more descriptive directions such as ‘I love it when you grab my hair’.
“If you are stuck for what to say, I recommend compliments as your baseline - what do you love about your sexual partner, what turns you on about them? You could embellish this with directive sentences such as ‘I want you to…’
“It’s best to have eye contact with your partner so you can see if these words are working for them. If you can’t see your partner’s face then it can be difficult to see if they are connected to the words.”
Of course, the art of dirty talk is not simply in the content - it’s also in how it’s delivered.
In contrast to The Idol’s depiction of an utterly deadpan expression from across the room, the best dirty talk delivery is done sensually, when whispered into the ear or breathed into your partner’s neck.
“For dirty talk to create the desired effect of increased arousal, intimacy and connection, we need to be attuned to the other person. We need to be able to understand or feel where the other person is at, to choose the tone that will allow the words to land. Similar to other situations in life, if we use the wrong tone, the words can have a completely different effect,” Munro says.
“The foundation of successful dirty talk is safety, and emotional connection, so this means tuning into what your partner may want or need and being present for that. The more safety there is, the more your nervous system will be able to drop into parasympathetic pleasure and allow the dirty talk to permeate your body.”
However, like most components of sex, Munro urges those willing to experiment with dirty talk not to beat themselves up if things don’t go right or you say something that kills the mood. Rather, it can actually be a moment that brings you and your partner closer.
“That can be a perfect opportunity to create a connection through checking in with each other,” she says.“Do you need to pause? Do you need a redirection? Ultimately, it is a win-win situation with the right safety in place, because if there is something that doesn’t work, then it can create more intimacy as you both navigate what you need.”
And once you nail the art of dirty talk, the act can create a multi-faceted sexual experience in the brain. After all, experts say the brain is the MVP when it comes to sex.
“Dirty talk stimulates the hypothalamus and amygdala, increasing arousal, and creates intimate presence through communication with your partner that increases sensitivity to physical touch,” Munro says.
“Dirty talk can be a really powerful tool to increase sexual pleasure, intimacy and connection with a sexual partner. The brain is the biggest sex organ, so consciously bringing it into sexual intimacy can amplify sex itself. It can support new realms of intimacy, as we are checking with another person’s desires and needs, and communication is the foundation of amazing sex.”
So, if your relationship to dirty talk is a negative one due to dire past experiences, just know that the only way is up from here. But the practice can take some thought - and well, practice - along with enthusiasm and awareness of both yourself and your partner. It’s time to make dirty talk great again, and it’s about time too.
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