People Have Surprisingly Strong Feelings About This 'Rude' Thanksgiving Behavior
For some of us, Thanksgiving isn’t a national holiday without the TV blaring a football game, parade or dog show from every room of the house. For others, sharing an annual meal with family and friends is a time for peace, quiet and plenty of authentic conversation — no interruptions or outside entertainment necessary.
Given such entrenched views, it’s no wonder that arguments arise around the table and over the remote control.
Etiquette expert Diane Gottsman shared this story: “I was invited to a home for Thanksgiving a few years ago, and the husband of the host kept his earbuds in during the entire meal,” she recalled. “His wife was furious, his mother chastised him, and it was an unpleasant situation for everyone sitting around the table.”
Of course, this conflict goes deeper than just the background noise during a meal. One therapist shed light on what’s really happening when someone throws a fit because they can’t watch TV during dinner.
“Eating together is how we show people we care for one another,” said Leah Samler, a psychologist and adjunct faculty member at Pepperdine University. “I think the larger, long-standing issue is about priorities and what’s important to us. And unfortunately, many people’s priorities are not about connection and quality time.”
Everyone carries memories, baggage and expectations into holiday gatherings. Etiquette expert Jodi R.R. Smith describes it this way: “If you were raised in a no-TV-during-the-Thanksgiving-meal household, it will be very different to dine in a home where the TV is on for the duration, just the same way that if you were raised in a TV-on household, it feels odd with the TV off. Each family has its own culture and acceptable behaviors.”
So everyone wants something different, and no one is willing to back down without some convincing. What’s a well-meaning host to do? We talked to experts to help you sort it all out.
The host calls the shots — just let people know in advance.
If you’re the person who volunteered to host this holiday, you get to call the shots, experts say. “Professionally, the guideline is that the person who hosts is the person who decides if the TV is on or not,” Smith said. But you need to let people know what they’re in for, especially if this year will be different from what the family tradition has been. “If it’s your home, you have the opportunity to change the guidelines, but you must share that information well in advance, so that it’s not a surprise for those used to something else,” she added.
“As a guest, it’s perfectly polite to inquire about the TV and football games when you’re invited to a gathering, as you consider whether or not to accept the invitation,” Smith said. Of course, asking questions can make things stickier.
“You run the risk of being seen as rude or impertinent,” she cautioned. Once you’ve accepted an invitation, though, your options are constrained by common good manners. Don’t be like the guy who wore earbuds at the table. Suck it up for this one meal and do something different next year if it’s that important to you.
Here’s what to say instead of ‘Shut that #$*&& off.’
If you’re firm on that “no TV” rule, you need to let guests know about it not just in advance but as diplomatically as possible. Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and co-host of the “Were You Raised By Wolves?” podcast, says that positioning your new rule as a one-off could help. “If you want to challenge the currently accepted TV rules, try suggesting it as a one-time-only experiment for this year,” he said. “It avoids making it sound like the change you’re seeking is permanent. Then, depending on how that goes, everyone can decide what to do for next year.” Or, if you’re still hosting, you can hold firm next year, and that’s your prerogative.
If you’re a host who’s setting this particular boundary, don’t feel too bad about any pushback. Mister Manners, otherwise known as etiquette expert Thomas P. Farley, offered an opinionated take: “Why, with all that work and effort to appreciate and enjoy this sacred celebration, would any guest find it acceptable to detach and retire to a spot in front of a television? The NFL has nearly 300 games per season. The world will not come to an end if your guest misses a few games — particularly so early in the playing season.” (However, we can already feel the valid counterarguments from those who find comfort, community and solace in being a sports fan.)
There are ways to reach a compromise, experts say.
Our broadcasting devices are pretty darn sophisticated these days, Gottsman pointed out, so why not take advantage of that technology? “One option is to record shows or games for later, or at least during the portion of the day you’re sitting down together to share a meal,” she suggested. (Just make sure you avoid finding out the results on your phone before you want to.) Again, keeping the host in mind, she added of the TV, “It’s always best to have it off during the meal, when people are enjoying the Thanksgiving feast the host has toiled tirelessly to prepare. Everything can be taped and rewatched, so it’s not a lot to ask everyone to enjoy the meal together at the table.”
Another option, if you have the space, is to set up zones for watchers and non-watchers. “If the host is met by an outcry from guests who insist they won’t be able to wrest themselves from the lure of the games, consider setting up a viewing room away from the main entertaining area,” Farley said. “This location should be out of earshot from the living, dining and entertaining spaces of the home, such as a spare bedroom with a small TV set.”
Here’s how to prepare for a no-TV meal.
Farley also had some suggestions for no-TV hosts to set the stage this year. “The television should be off when guests arrive,” he said. “Stow the remote in a concealed location.”
“Put on a great music playlist to set the tone and to reinforce a feel-good room buzz. If any guests ask about turning on a game, the host may respond that it’s their preference that the TV stays off during the celebration,” he added.
And then, because you’re the one who’s hosting and you get to decide, please enjoy a lovely, quiet meal with people you care about, and have a very happy Thanksgiving.
