People Who Had Kids Later In Life Are Sharing What It's Like Being An Older Parent
Starz
There's no perfect time to have children.
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Both advantages and challenges come with having children at an older age.
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As people get older, they develop a deeper understanding of life, emotional maturity, and wisdom, some of the best qualities a parent could have! However, this might also mean there's a larger age gap between the parent and child, and it might take mom or dad an extra minute or two to catch up!
So, I asked parents of the BuzzFeed Community to share "the realities of having kids later in life." Here's their feedback, as well as comments from some Reddit users:
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"Due to medical issues, we were not able to have children. I always knew I wanted to adopt...my grandmother was adopted of the Orphan Train. We went through the state of Texas, and nine months after our first class, we got the call! We were both 39. We adopted three little girls, ages five months, 17 months, and three years, all siblings. The two oldest had been in care for 18 months and were bounced around foster homes and a shelter. I became a stay-at-home mom overnight! Due to us being older, they got the best of us: patience, time, and extra love to give. When the 3-year-old called him Daddy, time stopped. That magical world had never been spoken of in our home, and suddenly, we were who we wanted to be: parents. We might have been a bit slower physically, but we kept up. We had a lifetime of knowledge and love to give to our girls. Although, he passed 14 years ago...I continue giving the love we both had for our girls. In them, I see the best we were."
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"I just want to mention that whatever age you choose to have kids is suitable for you; I knew having them young was not for me. I’m 38, my husband is 42, and we have an 18-month-old. We definitely were emotionally and mentally ready to be parents, but physically, it's had its challenges. When I was 33, we decided we were ready to take that next step in our relationship and start trying for kids. Unfortunately, we had two miscarriages. I’m glad I waited, if I had kids with the people I was in relationships with when I was in my 20s I know I would be unhappy. One of those relationships was based around alcohol, another around drugs, and I couldn’t forgive myself if I brought a child into those environments."
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"I had my first baby at 34 and my second at 39, both boys. I appreciated motherhood much more than I would have when I was younger. Now, I spend two hours every five weeks with my hairdresser, trying to make sure no one mistakes me for their grandmother! They're now 20 and 24, and our life is an entertaining circus."
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"I was 35. I’d lived a good life, traveled the world, and done everything I could possibly want in life. I have a good, stable job and own my own home. My friends who had children in their early 20s struggled with bills and day-to-day spending, constantly looked for childcare so they could go out, and didn’t spend much time with their children. I feel that being older and more stable, I can offer my child the world, we can afford amazing holidays, and I love spending my days off with them. I have no regrets about being an older parent and don’t think I would have been a good parent if I started out young."
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"My parents aren't on here, but my experience was that they were older than all my friend's parents. My parents tried to have me for nine years. They started trying a year after they got married. They even went through IVF and still didn't get pregnant. They almost gave up, but one day, my mom went to see Meet the Fockers in theaters, and there was a scene where Pam was describing her symptoms when she realized she was pregnant, and my mom was thinking, 'Huh...I have all those,' so she bought like seven different pregnancy tests, and they were all positive."
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"After several miscarriages, I had my second (and last) child at age 43. After that child started school, I realized that not only was I the oldest parent on campus, but I was also older than many of the grandmothers. I also realized that I seemed to be the most stable (mentally, emotionally, fiscally) mom around. The other moms weren't a bunch of basketcases; they just didn't have the life experience and personal confidence I had."
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"My husband and I tried for seven years to get pregnant. I finally gave birth to our twin girls in February at age 37. We never had to do IUI or IVF, but I did need fertility assistance due to PCOS and a thyroid disorder. Honestly, I'm healthier now than I was seven years ago, and we're in a much better financial situation, so it feels like it happened at the right time. We ADORE our girls! However, we don't really have any friends who are in this chapter of life — their kids are mostly in elementary or middle school. Or, if they do have infants, it's their second or third kid. I don't know anyone else who is a first-time older mom, let alone a mom of twins. It can be really isolating."
—Anonymous, 38
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"Y’all, as someone who had my first baby two weeks before I turned 41, I understand why people have kids in their 20s — the energy differential is unreal. But kids remind you to slow down and play, how to see the world through a different lens, and what’s most important. Your body might take a hit but your life will be so enriched by this new little person."
—Anonymous, 46
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"I had my first child at 40, and we had our last when I was 45. It is tough. Not any tougher physically or even emotionally than being a younger parent, but mentally, it is extremely difficult because you know what adult life is like without kids. Being an adult with a solid job, a great relationship and financial stability with no kids was fantastic. Life had freedom and simplicity that you didn’t realize were amazing until they were gone. As an older parent, that all comes to a sudden jarring stop. You don’t look forward to what you’ll do 'once the kids leave the house' like some young parents; rather, you find yourself dreaming about the life you used to have and wondering what the hell happened."
—Anonymous, 46
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"I'm not sure if I'm considered an 'older' parent, but I started at 31 and had the second at 33. In my 20s, I worked two to three jobs and attended school. There would have been no time for kids. Period. I barely had time for myself and my now-husband. I tried to make a high-earning career and never wanted children, and I made that clear to my husband, who did want kids. But when my career didn’t take hold, and we were more financially stable, we gave it the old 'if it happens, it happens' and got pregnant four months later. I never thought I would be a good mom, yet here I am, explaining unknown vocabulary to my kids when they ask, taking them to all their health appointments, teaching them manners, and setting routines. I am smarter in my 30s. I wouldn’t have had the dedication, patience, love, and money if I did it earlier."
—Anonymous, 39
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"It's definitely challenging, exhausting, and hard to find common ground with younger parents. It's a daily struggle to have enough energy to keep up with them, but it's also a blessing as we tried for over ten years and lost seven embryos through failed IVF cycles, only to be successful with triplets and losing one in utero. So, it's definitely a struggle, but also the best blessing I could have ever imagined. I was 44 when I had my daughters."
—Anonymous, 47
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"I had my son when I was 40, almost 41. I feel I had more patience as an older parent, and I also feel like I was able to appreciate parenthood more. My child is now a freshman in university."
—Anonymous, 58
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"My wife was 34 and 36 when she gave birth. She had the time of her life being a mother. She loved it. She misses that time. They’re now in their mid-20s. They love their mom, and she loves them. We already went through our 20s with stupid choices and shenanigans. In our 30s, we were happy, healthy, and more mature."
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"I had my daughter at 41. My patience level is 1000000x better now than in my 20s or 30s. I’m also fairly established in my career and have some (but not a lot) of disposable income. Never had any extra cash until my 40s."
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"We tried for a long time and finally decided we just wanted to be a family so much, and that foster sibling groups need exactly that. So we did foster care intending to adopt a sibling group. I wouldn’t have done that at 25, but at 40, it was something I was more emotionally able to handle. They came to us at five and six years old. There are many ways to become a family."
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"I became a dad at 41. I love it. I have two kids now. My wife is a few years younger and was ready. I would've still been procrastinating if it was all on me. I spent 20 years prior in pubs, socializing, etc. Now I've done all that, and I go to parks and do kid-orientated things. I'm quite young at heart and don't look my age, so I don't get mistaken for a grandad! The only negatives are I'm not as fit and supple as I used to be, though I'm not overweight or really unfit. Also, I'd like my house to be nicer; it's just covered in toys and laundry. However, it's not a massive detractor. Just go for it whenever you are both ready."
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"I have three kids. My wife and I are the same age and had them at 35, 38, and 40. It's nice being financially stable and able to afford help. I will say that even going from 35 to 40, I noticed things like sleep deprivation are a lot more brutal."
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"I had a child in my early 20s and one in my mid-30s. There are pros and cons to both. I wish I had the maturity and wisdom in my 20s that I had when my youngest was born. And I wish I had the same physical energy level for my youngest that I had for my oldest. The sleep deprivation and breastfeeding schedule, etc., almost killed me in my 30s."
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"I had my first at 51, second at 53, and youngest (a surprise) at 56. The advantage is that we don't worry about money; we've never had to pick between diapers and food. I am more patient than I was in my twenties, and I think I've gotten most of my stupid s*** out of my life...I think. The downside is that I know I will die when they are fairly young, and that really makes me sad. I lost my father to an accident at 24, and it really hurt. I know that losing a parent always leaves a big hole, but when you're at an age where you can finally have good conversations, it really sucks. For better or worse, this is my life and my children's lives. I love them so much. They bring me joy every single day of my life."
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"I (currently 59) had our kids at ages 37 and 39. We were the oldest classroom parents, and that bothered me a little, but I still had enough energy to play-wrestle with them until they didn’t want to anymore. I was always able to keep up with them. Only now, as they're in college, do I start to feel my joints hurting, and we are slowing down mentally and physically. I still feel good overall and love how the kids enjoy each other, and bring so much youthful fun and energy when they come to visit. I feel like as we age, they will have the energy to handle whatever comes with us parents getting old."
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"I had a kid when I was 19. I then remarried years later and had two kids at 42 and 45. When I was 19, I had energy, but I didn’t have money, and I didn’t have the proper set of adult ‘tools.’ With the second batch, energy is more questionable, but I have money and mostly have those ‘tools’ (kids have a way of exposing where more tools are needed). I find the experience far more satisfying on the second round."
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"I’m 64, and my kids are 26 and 24. I have no problems at all with being their mom. But starting earlier would have allowed them more time with their grandparents and so on through the generations. I did not enjoy being asked if I was their grandmother when they were little, and now, as they’re in their professions, headed towards marriage, etc., I’m getting mail for senior living, planning your funeral, etc."
Are you an older parent or did you grow up with an older parent? Let me know in the comments.
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
