‘My partner has been dragging his feet about commitment – now another man has turned my head’
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Dear Rachel,
I have just turned 32 and been in a steady relationship for seven years. We have been very happy together, but at the back of my mind I know I have always been the one to push the relationship along. We became official after four months, I met his family after 10 months, and we moved in together after four years. But despite me asking him several times over the years, and after various heavy hints from both families, there has been no engagement proposal as he doesn’t see this as important (I do, and he knows that). I recently took a three-month break from work to travel solo, anticipating that my partner and I would start a family afterwards, which he was initially nervous but now enthusiastic about.
On top of that, we have a contract waiting for us to buy a house together. During my time away, I came to the realisation that the total lack of passion and sex in our relationship is a killer for me. A man I met along the way professed his adoration, and although I made sure nothing happened with him, it really made me see this huge gap in my relationship at home. I’d like to stop the house purchase immediately, break up and start anew, but my boyfriend is desperate to fix things. Now I feel like my mind has just turned off and despite loving him deeply I am just not attracted to him sexually any more. Do I stay or go? I think I know the answer deep down, but being 32, I am also worried about the damn clock ticking.
– Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
As I read your letter my heart turned to stone because I thought I knew who you were at first. You’re not, but many of the issues you raise, the failure to commit, the lack of passion, are the hills so many relationships die on. For me age is really not a big factor here (you’re only 32!) so try this: imagine that you have world enough time, and then re-read what you’ve written. You have answered your own questions. He failed to put a ring on it, sex fell by the wayside, but life went on. And now you are worrying that unless you take the bird in the hand you’ll be on the shelf, getting dustier as time goes by.
Here’s what the therapist Tessa Grazzini has to say: “The mismatch between what you value and what your boyfriend prioritises can lead to emotional disconnect. A lack of physical intimacy can signal an unmet emotional need. Sexuality is a code to our deepest emotional needs. You can deeply love someone and still realise that the relationship isn’t right for you,” she says. “Your love for your boyfriend doesn’t invalidate your need for a more fulfilling connection. For some people love and desire are inseparable and for other people it is more challenging to make love to the people they love.”
Sally O’Sullivan thinks you are paying the price for your own pushiness. “It is ironic that now you are on the cusp of getting what you want after seven years of manoeuvring you are not sure that you want it. You’ve been very happy and love your partner deeply, your biological clock is ticking – suddenly the hills far away look greener but they are probably not. Do you want excitement, desire and intrigue or commitment? I wonder if you having to push every development in your relationship has calcified into resentment and sexual withdrawal? And yet when you’ve pulled back your partner has sprung into action – there is a lesson to be learnt there.” My verdict? He had his chance. He blew it.
Listen to your gut. You’ve got the ick. I know and you know that if you buy a house and get married and have children with this man you are making a bed that you don’t want to lie on. Girl, run! Don’t settle for Mr Good Enough, because one he’s not worth it, and two you don’t want him anymore.
