Older Adults Who Are Married And Regret It Are Revealing Why, And Their Honesty Is Shocking
We recently asked older adults of the BuzzFeed Community who regret getting married to tell us why. Here's what they had to say:
Note: Some responses were pulled from this Reddit thread.
1."We met the summer after high school, married at 21, and had kids at 23. I never really had a chance to figure myself out before becoming a full-time mom. I struggle daily with not knowing who I am or what my purpose is outside of being a mom."
"What makes it even harder is that nobody in my friend group went down the same path as me, so I've never had a strong support system or real friends that aren't just the parents of my kids' friends."
2."I am a married woman, and I love my husband very much. That said, I wish we had never married. Marriage is 100% for men. Studies show that men live longer and prosper in marriage, and the exact opposite it true for woman. Besides a tax incentive, there is no reason to get married in this day and age. It's takes almost nothing to get married, and yet to undo a marriage takes lots of money and paperwork and lawyers."
"I would choose to be with my husband, but I wish that all my stuff, in particular finances, was separate. Marriage is a modern-day scam. I would tell any other young person, especially a woman, not to get married. And if you must go through with it, have a prenup, and pre-marital counseling should be a requirement."
—45, Texas
3."Married 22 years. I suspected my wife had affairs in the past, but I couldn't confirm. About 10 years ago, I caught her dry-humping a guest at our party. We had a brief argument, with her punching me while intoxicated. I was determined to leave but couldn't bear the thought of not being with my 9-year-old son."
"The next day, she apologized, and we continued the marriage. Today, we are still together, but there's no romance and no sex in two years. I want to leave, but so much is tied up with finances and the house that it may not be worth it."
—66, California
4."I got married way too young. I was aware of red flags, but I didn't know what they meant. As time moved on, I began to discover the meaning of those red flags. It all came down to emotional immaturity. As years passed, and it became clearer that he would never address his own character, we drifted apart."
"Now, he is deceased and I have strong mixed feelings. Yes, I do miss him. You can't live with someone for 46 years and not miss them. I also strongly mourn for my own life that I can't help but feel I wasted. My journey of healing has just begun."
—62, Texas
5."We got married very young, although that ended up not being the specific issue. We also had kids very young, and that did contribute to the issue. But the biggest difficulty we have had revolved around her dad having bipolar disorder and me not thinking about what that might mean regarding her and our kids. I was too young to think about what life might be like managing a household with multiple people all with slightly different mental health issues, from mania to depression."
"I was not prepared for it, and it causes my own mental health issues, especially when my spouse isn't in a state to provide me any help. My advice would be to spend some extra time thinking about your future life together before rushing to tie the knot, regardless of how much in love you are with each other."
—48, California
6."I don't ever fully regret marrying him, but sometimes, I question my choice. I was 23 when we got together; now, I'm 44. What I want/need is SO different from what I wanted when I was younger. If I were to do it again, I most likely would not choose him."
7."I wasn't expecting it when he proposed, and my initial reaction was that I needed more time, but I went along and said 'yes.' My family and friends were thrilled, exclaiming about how we complement each other and how happy they were that I found someone like him. Everyone seemed so confident about how we were a great match. I felt we had issues with communication and a couple of other topics we clashed on, but I hoped those would smooth themselves out. Nearly 20 years later, I am kicking myself for not speaking up and going along with everything. We still regularly struggle with communication and have each grown differently and at different paces. We are still dealing with the challenges that we had at the beginning of our relationship. I love the children that we've had and the life we've made, but I wonder where I would be if I had listened to my gut and not gotten caught up in a marriage that I didn't really want to enter in the first place."
"One thing I learned after getting married is how your perspective changes. When you are young and dating, you may think about an upcoming holiday and how you will celebrate, but when you're married, you have that holiday and also the next 50 years of holidays, too. My main regret is not trusting myself and getting caught up with how everyone else perceives things."
—45, New York
8."Despite dating my husband for nearly seven years before we married, I realize now, after 48 years, that I didn’t really know him. I underestimated the effect his cultural upbringing —different from mine — would have on the marriage. For example, I grew up in an upper-middle-class family; his family was working class. His mother never worked outside the home, and his father was lord and master. Unfortunately, this was the view my husband has of marriage: a wife is for cooking, cleaning, sex, child-rearing, etc. I was to keep my teaching job, manage three kids, and 'do it all' on my own with no help from him. He said, 'There is only going to be one person in this house who makes the decisions…and it isn’t going to be you!'"
"I have had no say about anything other than to have chicken or pork chops for dinner. He consults and informs me about little. Despite 'doing it all' on my own, this man claims that he has felt like he was married to a 12-year-old during the marriage! Did I make a mistake? Yes! I made two – marrying him and then staying in the 'marriage' for 48 years. It was a huge mistake thinking it was better for the kids."
—75, Ohio
9."I married my spouse two months before I turned 40, and we're coming up on our fifth anniversary. Neither of us had been married before, but they had a lot more experience with relationships than I did. I never felt a heart-pounding love for them. I liked them a lot, and it was nice not to be single anymore, but it has been really hard. They are recovering from being addicted to drugs and relapsed three times in the first two years of our marriage. I paid for them to go to rehab three times. They are doing much better, but there are addiction-adjacent behaviors that persist, and I can't do it anymore."
"We have decided to separate, and I have never felt happier. My family can see the radical change in me. My work colleagues, who never knew me when I was not married, have noticed I'm much happier. It feels like I have my life back. They are a great person, and I care for them very deeply, but we both agree that we should not be married anymore. I don't think I'll get married again. I like my independence."
—44, USA
10."I have been with my spouse since I was 19. We had been common law of some sort since then. I had decided that when I was about 38 we should get married because we were having some health issues, so it made more sense to reap the benefits of being married. I asked him, I prepared all the work, like getting the license (which he was late to the appointment), contacting and arranging the date of the 'wedding,' buying my own dress, making my own bouquet, and paying for it all. He was not involved in any of it and even invited his parents for the weekend, even though I wanted it to be just the two of us."
"I had to tell them what we were doing because they were leaving when we needed to be at the location. Then, they invited themselves, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and their daughter to our ceremony when it was supposed to be just the two of us. We have been married about seven years now, and I have come to really regret it after severe challenges have come up. We are in therapy, but I wish we hadn't gotten married at all since getting married was easy, but getting divorced in my province is hard; you need to be living separately for a year and with the housing issues, neither of us has the means to do that. Luckily, I have always been child-free, so we don't have to worry about that. Moral of the story: Getting married, having a child, or getting a pet never solves relationship issues."
—43, Canada
11."I regret marrying my husband, but I vowed to be with him for better or worse in this lifetime. So, we are trying to make it work and enjoy our life together when possible. It's been 20 years, and it's getting better lately despite the struggles."
12."I was married for the first time eight years ago. My boyfriend, who had been laid off from work for many years then, was not yet eligible for Medicare and was unwilling to get another job. I am employed full-time with insurance benefits. I married him so I could add him to my insurance. Two years later, I was diagnosed with an illness that required extensive treatment. He was unwilling and unable to support me through my treatment and told me so."
"I don’t know what he thinks the vow 'in sickness and in health' means. My health is good now, and my divorce will be final in less than two weeks, thank god!"
—59, Illinois
13."I married later in life and thought I had found the love of my life. Turned out, he just wanted a mommy figure to take care of him."
—63, Montana
14."My wife is a good person, but we've grown into two different people since we married over a decade ago in our mid-20s. I regret not waiting, not exploring more, not meeting more, and not letting myself grow first. So, yes, I have regrets marrying my wife."
15."I wish I had the chance to think more about it when he asked me. Proposals often happen when we are young and trying to find our way, leaving home, and learning how to live in the world on our own. Sadly, I think I believed getting married would help me break free from my father's control. When someone asks you to get married, how can you say no? I mean, really? I didn't want to say yes right away, but there was so much pressure, and honestly, it felt like the only option at the time. Well, over a decade later, I love my husband. He was my best friend. But it doesn't seem fair."
"It feels like a trick, a way to keep us, women especially trapped in one patriarchal relationship after another. I suspect this will be a very unpopular opinion! But I think about it from time to time and how my life could have been different. Maybe not better. It just feels like decisions were made without me even realizing."
16."I never did in all 15 years of my first marriage, and I was blindsided when he left me. Regardless of how often you question the decision to be married, the real question is: How honest are you with yourselves and each other about whether your needs are being met and what fulfillment looks like? What are your favorite things about each other? What gets on your nerves? I'm in my second marriage, and we are going through a challenging period. I find myself questioning the decision sometimes."
"But I use that as a reminder to check in on the questions I mentioned above. And, sure enough, my uncertainty usually reflects a breakdown in our communication and/or an unmet need."
And finally...
17."I regretted it every day. I felt no peace until I divorced him. The night we married, my ex-husband told me now that we're married, he could tell me everything he lied to me and my parents about. Then, he told me he loved me, kissed me on the forehead, rolled over, cuddled the dog, and slept like a baby. I hated him from that moment onwards and had to claw my way out of that marriage."
"It's one of the many reasons I'm reluctant to marry again. It took me a long time to forgive 20s me for getting 'us' into that mess."
Fellow older adults who are married and regret it, tell us why with your story in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
