"I Learned Too Many Years Too Late": 22 Dating Red Flags Older Adults Ignored When They Were Younger
When you're looking through the rose-colored glasses of early love, it's not always easy to spot the signs that something's not right. Recently, older people on Reddit shared the red flags they missed in their younger days, and it was pretty eye-opening. Here's what they had to say:
1."Bad money management skills."
"The older you get, the bigger the consequences of bad money management skills.
When you’re young, bad money skills can cost you millions of interest in the long run, but there’s time to make it up. It’s a lot of work to make it up, and it’s more expensive, but it can be done.
When you are older, there are limited resources and even less time to make up for the consequences of bad money skills. Old age poverty is no joke."
2."Lying. If you're dating someone who lies, don't ever think that trait will improve or vanish. Lying is usually an ingrown habit that will never get better."
3."Wants you to only spend time with them. Pouts when you meet your siblings for lunch. Slowly eliminates your time with friends. Etc."
4."In my personal dating experience, it was always the ones who worked fast. They jumped into the relationship like we were getting married tomorrow. Every single time, it always fizzled. I prefer getting to know people gradually."
"Lovebombing, as the kids call it!
I wish I'd known about this tactic back in my 20s."
5."An obsession with vanity, with their looks. People who are obsessed with how they look will also be obsessed with how you look. Time passes, and even the most beautiful looks are destined to fade. It's who we are inside - not what we look like on the outside that truly matters. Vanity alone cannot sustain. It's a sign of superficiality and a genuine red flag."
6."Control freaks. Watch out… it does not get better."
7."They put you down in small ways, then laugh and say they were kidding. Trust me, it only gets worse. Try to recognize this behavior early on and walk away. It’s not you, it’s them."
8."Pay very close attention to how a man (or, in my case, manchild) treats their mother. I should have run for the hills away from my ex-husband and one of my ex-boyfriends. My ex-husband treated her like utter shit, yelled at her for the way she drove, what she said, and really verbally abused her. The ex-boyfriend woke his mother up at 4:00 a.m. (we, unfortunately, were living in a house next door to his parents) so his mother could do his laundry because he had a business flight to catch in a couple of hours. He treated his mother like she was his slave. NEVER get into a relationship with anyone who doesn't treat their parents well."
"Or, flip side, if he fawns over his parents and they can do no wrong in his eyes.
Because that means that if they push your boundaries, he won't have your back. He'll just say they 'mean well' and you should 'get over it.'"
9."The most important red flag to be aware of is selfishness. Always doing what they want to do, your time together is spent on their interests, food, sex, etc. Being critical because you're not living up to their selfish standards. Minimizing your feelings."
10."If you find yourself trying to 'improve' your partner (clothes, speech, ideas, taste in TV, whatever), you're setting yourself up. This can be subtle and sometimes takes the form of keeping your partner away from people you think might not quite approve of the new relationship. Vice versa, if you sense that your partner is doing that to you, run."
"This is not the same as, for example, trying to share music or food that you like that they haven't tried or didn't think they liked when they did. That's an ordinary thing with anybody, including family members and work colleagues. I'm talking about that little feeling of cringe or knowing that you are inspiring that little feeling of cringe. He's got this way of .... but I can fix that. If the end of the thought is 'I can fix that' instead of 'and that's just one more reason he's great,' you're not going in a good direction."
11."A subtle one I wish I knew: a partner who is tolerant of your foibles and weaknesses, as opposed to supportive of them. Especially when it comes to weaknesses. If you have a handicap or chronic illness, you may jump at the chance to be with someone who tolerates all your problems. But that's just another problem because tolerance has a limit. It's the difference between someone who is genuinely excited if they can help you in some small way and share the pain or trials, as opposed to someone who 'soldiers on' and deals with you."
"One way you're in it together, the other and you're a burden they're willing to bear. It's a huge difference, hard to differentiate if you're not prepared for it or if 'tolerance' is still better than what you've experienced before."
12."Pushing you to do things that make you uncomfortable, whether it's sex, partying, spending/lending large amounts of money, etc. If they don't respect boundaries early, they won't respect them later."
13."If they cheated on a previous partner, they will probably cheat on the next one."
14."Ongoing cheapness — with you, obviously but in other ways too. Mooching off friends. Eating your groceries and not replacing them. Showing up to friends' houses empty-handed, expecting you to bring the wine."
15."Being quick to anger. Criticizing your friends and family members. Trying to change you by making negative comments about what you wear, eat, etc. Being rude to people they think are beneath them. Aggressive driving. If you notice any of these and say something, they’ll act like you’re crazy or apologize and say they’ll never do it again. They will. This behavior starts slowly until they rope you in, and it’s harder to leave. You can actually see these issues pretty early on if you know what to look for."
16."Setting themselves up as the smart one and implying you know less/your thought-out opinions aren’t as valid as theirs. This sets up an insidious dynamic that’s hard to reverse."
17."A major one that took me a very long time to notice is that he never truly apologized. It was always 'I'm sorry your feelings were hurt,' 'I'm sorry you misunderstood my intentions,' etc. He couldn't say that he was sorry for what he actually did until we were almost divorced like he was the Fonz or something."
18."Bad kisser, bad at sex. You might think he'll get better at it, but he probably won't."
19."Anyone who nitpicks the food you prepare. I don’t mean, 'Hey, this is kind of burned,' or 'I prefer my beef rare.' No, I mean kid-worthy pouting, glowering, and whining in reaction to the food I put on your plate. You don’t like the sauce? Scrape it off. You want it done another way next time? Do it your own self. There is no relationship death like the death by a thousand cuts that is whining over your food three times a day as a grown-ass adult."
20."Talking bad about exes. If all your exes are assholes, you either are 1) only attracted to assholes and/ or 2) unable to take personal responsibility for past mistakes and learn from them."
21."Too many years too late, I learned the lesson: once is a pattern. He has a bad day and comes home and takes it out on you, then apologizes and says he doesn't know why he let the day get to him 'this one time.' He drinks too much and ends up verbally abusing you and calling you some truly awful names, but that's not normal for him, and it's just that 'his boss was buying' that day. He promises to help more around the house, but everything he does to 'help' is wrong and has to be redone — it was years before I learned the term 'weaponized incompetence.'"
"These things happened to me. If I'd already been given the sage advice that 'once is a pattern,' I would have seen these things for what they were — huge red flags. I'd have left instead of tolerating years of abuse because 'it won't happen again.'"
22.And finally, "In our family, we call it the Misery Test. You need a situation to come up that puts you and the other person in a miserable situation — physically uncomfortable, emotionally, or mentally challenging. A camping trip can force things a little, but a real pop-up situation is better. Then, observe how the other person reacts and how they treat you and other people during it. You'll learn so much about their character."
"People who pass the misery test will still get scared, angry, and uncomfortable, but they have the emotional maturity to set that aside. They might use humor to help those around them to get through it. They watch out for the safety and well-being of others. Even when utterly miserable, they still remain strong, caring human beings.
People who fail the misery test will look out for themselves first, often at the cost of others. They will get whiny and focused on their own discomfort. They'll take a me-first attitude toward resources and safety. They won't give a shit about you.
Works every time."
What's a relationship red flag you missed when you were younger? Share your experience in the comments!
