Navigating 'exhausting' midlife dating – from people who have been there
If you're reading this, chances are you've decided to get back into the dating game – and we've got some good news for you; midlife dating can be the best of your life.
In midlife, we know who we are, what we want and we're free of the timelines that cast a shadow over dating in our twenties and thirties.
"In midlife, the urgency to find a life partner or start a family may be reduced, allowing for more relaxed dating experiences," says clinical sexologist Marie Morice.
"We're more comfortable in our own skin and have a better understanding of ourselves and our needs, leading to clearer expectations and boundaries in relationships," Marie continues.
That's not to say that midlife dating is a walk in the park, and it requires serious adjusting – especially if you're fresh from a long-term relationship or marriage.
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"Those coming out of long-term relationships may need to adjust to new partners and learn to integrate a new person into an established life, which can be exhausting, especially if both parties are settled into their ways," Marie says.
You and the person you're dating likely have baggage from past relationships, Marie adds. "This can create emotional complexities and trust issues. Plus, new relationships also bring their own complexities - navigating a partner’s co-parenting situation is rarely straightforward, for example."
READ: How I found myself again after divorce
No wonder midlife dating can feel overwhelming! That said, Marie notes you don’t have to merge your life with your new partner. "Many people chose to date and keep other areas of their lives separate, including living in different places.
"The most important point of all is this is midlife dating can be the best of your life. I encourage my clients to give it a chance. Dating in midlife can be liberating, at this stage, there's often more emphasis on personality and compatibility. Many midlife daters value emotional connection and companionship more deeply and a wealth of experiences provides rich conversation topics and potential for deeper connections," Marie says.
"The most important message is that ultimately, the only person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with is yourself. So, by all means, go, date and explore. Just make sure you love your lovely self too!"
Midlife dating advice – from people who have been there
1. Take a chance on the uncompromised you
"Dating in midlife requires in equal doses a sense of adventure and a keen sense of humor," says Liz Hilliard, 70, who fell in love with her partner Lee in her sixties.
"My advice for dating later in life? Let your heart lead the way. Come to the table with your whole self, not the version of you that worked in your 20s, 30s or 40s. Take a chance on the uncompromised you. What's the worst that could happen? Heartbreak? You've already had that. You'll be fine.
"Make the phone call, get on the app if that's your thing, go on the blind date your matchmaking friend has been trying to set up for months. Make it an adventure and find the humour when it's absolutely wrong. The next time might be right. Keep showing up as your courageous newly improved, well-aged self and watch the party start and your new life unfold. You'll be astounded at the fun you're about to have."
MORE FROM LIZ: I look better at 70 than I did at 30 – here's how
2. Focus on you
"Dating at our age can be very empowering," says 50-year-old Kay Glover. "Compared to when I was dating in my late teens, women in midlife get a lot more choice and agency which I think is amazing and exciting.
"It can be a great distraction from difficult times, but I think it's important to focus on yourself first. Find out what makes you tick and brings you joy as an independent woman.
"Be open to dating different types and use this experience to learn more about yourself and have new experiences."
MORE FROM KAY: Divorced at 50: how I turned betrayal into joy
3. Take your time
"If you have gone through a hard breakup, I would give yourself some time to build your confidence back up before you enter the world of dating," says Rosie Green, 50. "Invest in yourself, practice self-care, embrace exercise, hang out with friends that will bolster your spirits. You need to be feeling good about yourself before you enter the dating arena. And when you are ready, buy the book 'It's Just A Date.'
"This was my bible. I'd read it constantly. It stops you projecting forward and encourages you to be more pragmatic about the whole thing."
MORE FROM ROSIE: What divorce taught me about keeping desire alive
4. Trust your instincts
"Don't second-guess your gut feeling," implores dating expert Kate Taylor of Our Time, who found love online in her 50s. "If someone appears to possess the kind of attributes you'd look for in your ideal partner, but they're not physically your type, go on a date anyway. But equally, if someone feels too good to be true, or does not appear genuine, walk away - your instincts are well honed over 50. Trust them."
5. Don't invest too heavily
"You don't need to invest so heavily in dating – treat each date as a nice opportunity to meet someone new," advises Rosie Green. "Something romantic may come of it or it may not but you will have (hopefully) had a nice night out. This saves your ego being battered each time it doesn't lead to anything more."
ROSIE'S COLUMN: At 50, I've realised that your mates are your real 'happily ever after'
6. Be open-minded
"Be brave, be bold, be proactive and be open-minded," implores Nicky Wake, who set up widow's dating app Chapter 2. "You might think you have a type but you might not. Be honest and be truthful about who you are and what you want. It minimises waste of time - for the person you are interacting with online.
"On a more serious note, be careful, don't give away any personal data. If you do decide to progress and meet in real life, always tell a friend where you are and meet in a public place."
MORE FROM NICKY: I tried online dating as a widow in my 50s - here's what you need to know
7. Give people a chance
If you're using a dating app, Kate Taylor implores you to give people a chance.
"I found people were almost always much more attractive in person than they looked in their photos. So, if you enjoy talking to someone, why not meet them for a brief date like coffee or lunch? Chances are, they'll be a pleasant surprise. If they're not, at least you have given them a chance, and won't be left with any regrets or 'what ifs.'"
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8. Accept rejection
"Learn to deal with rejection," says Rosie.
"So many of us see this as soul-crushing, but it's a fact of life. Some people won't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. They could be caught up with their ex, they could prefer blondes and you are a brunette, they could not be ready. There are a million reasons they might not text back. Try not to take it personally and move on instead."
9. Ignore limiting beliefs
"Dating can be disheartening when self-limiting beliefs plague you and you hear stories of deception," says author and relationship expert Sally Baker.
READ: What are limiting beliefs and why are they stopping you from feeling happy?
"It's easy to think, "I'll never find the one", or, "Online dating is full of scammers." But with an empowering mindset and realistic optimism, you can overcome obstacles on your journey to find midlife love.
"Start by noticing thoughts that sabotage you, such as: "There's no one out there for me" or "I'm just unlucky in relationships." These beliefs shape your actions, preventing you from putting effort into dating. Replace them with a more positive mindset such as, "My ideal partner is out there searching for me too" and "I'm committed to finding lasting love." Focus on taking steps forward rather than dwelling on the past."
