6 ways to navigate parenthood and grief as a young widow or widower
Almost a decade on from the release of Bridget Jones’ Baby, the fourth movie in the beloved franchise, Mad About the Boy, is set to land on our screens in February next year.
Following on from Bridget’s (Renée Zellweger) surprise pregnancy and based on the books by Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy jumps forward in the timeline to when Bridget is raising not one, but two children – only their father and Bridget’s partner, Mark Darcy (Colin Firth), tragically dies while working abroad.
Left to deal with her loss and the grief of her two young children, Billy and Mabel, Bridget not only negotiates life without Mr Darcy, she pursues a new romance with a younger man, Roxster (Leo Woodall).
Although the character Bridget Jones is fictitious, author Fielding drew upon her own experience of losing her ex-husband, Simpsons writer Kevin Curran, with whom she shares two children. It is also estimated that over 100,000 people in the UK are widowed before the age of 50.
As counsellor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer explains, it isn’t that grief and loss are felt more prominently when we are younger – nor is it worse for those who have children when they lose their partner. It’s just that there are a different set of challenges presented when you are tasked with managing your feelings and looking after young kids.
"We make a hopeful assumption that we will live a long and healthy life with our loved ones, and that if we do lose them, it will be later on in our lives," she says. "And so when we are younger, the loss of a loved one can shake us in a profound way. We are grieving because we have lost a loved one, and also because we build a picture of our 'assumptive world'; how we expect our world to be. The loss of a loved one has the potential to rock our trust and faith in everything around us, and we are also losing the imagined future that we might have had together."
So, what steps can we take if we find ourselves a window or widower at a younger age? And how can we navigate parenthood in these circumstances?
1. Find a support network – and lean on it
As Marie Curie bereavement counsellor Claire Collins says, it can be difficult to ask for help – or know what kind of help you need when it’s offered to you.
"A lot of people that I've worked with have had to learn how to take up offers of support, especially when they have young families. They have found themselves being supported in a way which they've never been what people never had to resort to before," she recalls.
Whether it’s help with childcare, school runs or socialising with friends for a "night off"; relying on others during this period can help take some of the pressure off you, and help you deal with your own loss.
2. Don’t feel guilty about processing your own grief
In the trailer for the film, Emma Thompson’s character, Dr Rawlings, tells Bridget, "put your own oxygen mask on first."
Similarly, Collins suggests acknowledging your own grief, as well as your children’s. "It’s not a case of putting yourself first and then your children – or even the other way round. It’s more about processing your loss and getting the right support you need, in order to provide that same level of support for your kids.
"It’s not healthy to bottle things up, but also children are very intuitive and pick up on these things. They may sense your distress and sadness, and internalise those feelings instead of dealing with them."
Sturmer adds: "It’s important that we don’t allow caring for our children to serve as a distraction or disconnection from our own innate need to grieve. If we don’t allow ourselves to connect with how we feel, then our powerful feelings can manifest in different ways – in our bodies, or through episodes of panic or anger. It can prolong our healing."
If needed, you should also seek professional help – through therapy or bereavement counselling. Help is also available for children of all ages.
3. Join peer network groups
Just as we ourselves don’t expect to lose our partners at a young age, those around us don’t either. For this reason, Sturmer says that it can often be difficult to find people who can relate or know what to say.
"Peer support can also play a really helpful role," she says. "There are networks for young widows, such as Widowed and Young, that allow people to connect with others who might be walking a similar path, for a sense of shared empathy and solidarity."
4. Keep the conversation going with your kids
Whether it’s in the early stages of mourning, years on from the death of a loved one, or if you decide to embark on a new relationship, it is important to maintain conversations with your children and speak about the person you have lost.
5. Accept that there is no "right" time to move on
Both Sturmer and Collins stress that there is no "right" or "wrong" time to move on – and that instead you should listen to your own internal barometer.
Collins explains: "I've worked with people whose partner has had an illness for a long time, and they've had relationships very quickly afterwards because they had done a lot of their grieving over an extended period of time. Other people, if it's a sudden death, might need more time to grieve."
Nor should you frame it as you "moving on". "You haven’t left that person and in many ways, there isn’t the animosity that some may feel with an ex," Collins adds. "It isn’t moving on so much as living your life – which is a perfectly acceptable thing to do."
When it comes to handling your children’s reaction to your new partner, Collins suggests keeping the dialogue open and making sure they know they can talk about their feelings at any point – especially as they may feel different over time. Younger children tend to be more susceptible to this sort of change than, say, teenagers, but they should know that their lost parent isn’t being replaced or forgotten.
6. Research financial help available to you
Beyond the emotional toll of loss, there are also the practical and financial implications of a loved one’s death – especially when it comes to a partner. Some may find the sole or main household income disappear, while others may be forced to give up their home and/or assets, such as their car.
If you are struggling financially, there are a number of benefits available via the government that you may be eligible for – such as the Bereavement Support Payment (BSP), the Funeral Expenses Payment or Child Benefit. There are also charities who can help you navigate the financial impacts, including the aforementioned Widowed and Young and Turn2Us.
Read more on grief:
Are there really five stages of grief? (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
My friend died on the road beside me and I've never known grief like it (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)
Grieving while someone’s still alive: How does anticipatory grief work? (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
