'Muscle dysmorphia made me obsessed with exercise and extreme diets'

Hollyoaks star Angus Castle-Doughty, 29, developed muscle dysmorphia after being cast in a major Netflix fantasy show, marking the biggest job of his acting career at the time. Here he shares how putting pressure on himself to do and be his 'best' led him to extreme dieting and exercising, as well as why he's crowdfunding to make Dis-Morph-Ick, a film inspired by his experience.

I never thought I was lean enough, which is how muscle dysmorphia manifested for me. I thought I was putting on weight all the time, but the opposite was true. When I first lost a load of weight my stomach shrunk and the skin around my belly button got tighter, so there was a seam around it. I used to watch and analyse it to see if it was still there.

I generally say I have muscle dysmorphia symptoms because it's so young in its conception of being recognised by the NHS. With body dysmorphia (of which muscle dysmorphia is a subtype) there's a common misconception that it's about torsos and body fat, but often it can be the way people look at their noses and hair.

In 2019, I got a role on a fantasy Netflix series called Shadow and Bone. I was in four episodes, and that was huge for me, it was the first thing where I felt like a proper actor. It was a big deal, the budget was big and Netflix shows are usually on there forever. It was never an external pressure from Netflix, but pressure I put on myself. Early on we were told there was going to be this naked scene, which was only inconsequential. But I got into my head that I had to be really lean for it.

I got very comfortable with being hungry because I associated being restrictive with being disciplined and 'working hard on the job I was doing' (which of course in reality are not linked). A lot of men associate their discipline in the kitchen or gym with being masculine. If I gained any body fat I felt like I'd failed. It's still something I'm working on now.

It was when I continued the diet after the show that it became more obviously a red flag. A few people on the holiday I went on the year after gave me a big talking to. It took me out of it a little bit and I started to look honestly at how I was behaving. But then the flip side to it was just me binging, thinking 'oh yeah I'm over it now'.

My mum also warned me against what I was doing early on – she was a ballet dancer and had her own challenges with body image. She's always checking in and would be like 'hey I've noticed this pattern of behaviour coming back, stop it.'

When people would tell me to stop, that I was being horrible to myself and actually becoming quite difficult to be around, that's generally when I would start recognising it.

I'd go through phases where I wouldn't think about food and be in a good place and then something would make me have a flare up, like when I did Hollyoaks. The regularity with which I'd see myself on TV was quite difficult because you'd see your natural fluctuations throughout the year.

At one point I thought I could just restrict alcohol instead, but the way I was doing it wasn't healthy either.

However now, if I'm a bit more bloated or see something, I look at it and have the forthrightness to appreciate that no one else can see it which is a bit of a comfort (and it shouldn't matter anyway).

I haven't got professional help, apart from that I know it's there. I think the major issue with male eating disorders, body dysmorphia and muscle dysmorphia is that a lot of people don't recognise they have a problem. A lot of men don't know what they're suffering from, or that it's even something they can get help for. So they don't, until maybe crisis point.

We talk about male mental health a lot and when we do we talk about suicide, we're always like 'talk to your mates, or your bros' so this doesn't happen, which is important. But it's never like 'talk to your mates about every facet of what's going on'.

We need to break the connection between discipline, hard work and masculinity and the gym and nutrition. Social media often portrays that to be a successful, hard working man you need to wake up at 5am, work out twice a day, only eat steak and look a certain way.

When I was on Hollyoaks my character was a radical misogynist which I did a lot of research for. I see the same people selling insecurity to capitalise on it in that radical anti-feminist space as I do in social media fitness influencers. We also need to destigmatise eating disorders as just a female problem.

When I first started contacting people about my film Dis-Morph-Ick, I would say I had disordered eating and muscle dysmorphia symptoms (and before that just that I had 'a bit of an eating thing, an exercise thing'). It's only in the past couple of weeks I've realised I'm pretty sure there's a full blown eating disorder here.

So it's about having an awareness of my relationship with food and exercise. I went on holiday to Ibiza recently and gained some weight and ruined my last day stressing about it, so I haven't cracked the code, but it's a daily thing I'm working on.

I definitely live a far more balanced, healthier lifestyle with food and exercise. Breakfast is now a big thing for me, which I didn't have for five years. My partner was always like 'you are absolutely insufferable by 1'o clock' but I now, of course, have way more energy throughout the day. I previously thought if I had breakfast I'd failed and it was attached to being successful.

I don't have that anymore, and now because I'm giving myself what I need to eat I'm also having less inclination to binge eat or restrict. So much of what we think about ourselves is in our heads and not rooted in reality.

I started writing the film because we were in the depths of the strikes and I'd just had a really big rejection. I just wanted to write and laugh at myself for being so stupid about the gym, so I wrote this comedy. I got told it was rubbish and to rewrite it, which I did. Then it grew from there.

I started speaking to charities, finding out that the biggest issue hurting early prevention of male eating disorders is a lack of literacy. We saw a real opportunity to make a film that could be entertaining and accessible to people, which they may see themselves in and encourage them to get help, or just destigmatise men having these problems and show what many don't realise they're perpetuating on social media.

I'm directing the film and will only be in little cameos. If I have to go through the scary thing to encourage others to think a bit more about how they're treating themselves then so be it.

I don't necessarily want to identify as having an eating disorder my whole life if I get to a stage where I feel really good about everything, and it's terrifying having my name and story attached to it. But that's me playing into the problem, because of the way I think people view it, so I'm trying to own it.

I also think there's a concern in men's heads that people don't care. I'd like to think people do care and I'm hoping to show they do.

The response to the crowdfunding video has been amazing, but we need more pledges.

You can find out more about the film and make a pledge here.

While Angus hasn't yet sought professional help, and currently chooses to utilise his own coping mechanisms, it's important to seek evidence-based treatment. You can speak to your doctor, contact BDD Foundation's email helpline on support@bddfoundation.org or call Samaritans on 116 123.

• Read more: Living with body dysmorphia: 'I convinced myself I needed a hair transplant' (Yahoo UK, 8-min read)

• Read more: Eating disorders need to be seen as an emergency, says campaigner Hope Virgo (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)