Munroe Bergdorf thinks we’re all taking dating too seriously
Dating apps get a lot of flack – and sometimes rightly so. It can be demoralising spending every weeknight swiping only to end up under an avalanche of ‘hey x’ texts and cheesy pick-up lines, and eventually dealing with repetitive strain.
But it’s not all bad! Plenty of people have met long-term partners, short-term flings, and had, well, a lot of sex thanks to dating apps. And contrary to popular discourse, the apps certainly aren’t dead. Over the years, apps have worked to create safer, more inclusive environments, and introduced verification methods, more diverse ways of identifying, and tools that generally improve users’ experience.
So, whether you love them or hate them, you’re probably still using them – and you may as well use them right. Enter: Munroe Bergdorf. The model, author, and activist has been on and off the apps for a number of years, and is now bringing the lessons she’s learned during her time in the dating trenches – as well as her IRL expertise as an advocate for marginalised groups – to Tinder, as the app’s new Empowerment Ambassador.
And what does that entail? She’ll be forefronting a number of Tinder campaigns, highlighting the importance of being authentic on dating apps, advocating for inclusivity, and sharing her perspective on dating in 2024. She’ll also be doing talks, panel discussions, and offering advice to Tinder users.
“When I first came out, the only way that you could meet another queer person was on a dating app,” Munroe tells Cosmopolitan UK. “Obviously the times have changed and, as the LGBTQ+ movement has progressed, it’s easier to find people in real life, but dating apps remain a mainstay in allowing people to find [their community] when it’s difficult [to do so offline]. I’ll be encouraging all users, regardless of how you identify, to bring your whole self to the app, because that’s the best way to find somebody who appreciates all the different parts of you. The best thing about us as individuals is that there’s no one else like us. The more that’s reflected on the app, the better chance we have of finding an authentic connection that lasts.”
We sat down with her to talk about negative dating discourse, what it’s like dating as an LGBTQ+ person right now, and how we can all have a bit more fun in our romantic lives. She also joined us for a quick game of Cosmopolitan UK’s Vibe Check, sharing her do’s and don’ts for your dating app profile.
In recent years, dating discourse – especially about how bad dating is and how ‘dead’ dating apps are – has dominated conversations on social media. Why do you think there’s so much negativity around dating right now?
Munroe Bergdorf: Dating reflects what’s happening in the wider world, and so, because society isn’t perfect, dating isn’t going to be perfect. Politically, we’re seeing a big shift in how younger men and women are viewing the world, and that’s going to have an impact on how we connect with each other. But, you know, where are these conversations taking place? In terms of LGBTQ+ dating, it’s a very different narrative. So I think it’s important that we do identify the difficulties we’re having, but to also speak about why they occur.
What do you see as the positives in our current dating landscape?
Munroe Bergdorf: People are identifying outside of the box [in terms of sexuality and gender], which is really exciting, and gives them the space to discover who they are – young women especially, who are much more likely to identify as bisexual than in previous decades. The narrative of boy meets girl, gets engaged, gets married, and has children is fading away, and people are opening themselves up to different possibilities of what love or dating – or even just connection or having fun – can look like, rather than being fulfilled by the traditional model of romance.
Are you using dating apps at the moment? What have been your recent highs and lows?
Munroe Bergdorf: I am! I’m dating, and it’s exciting. I love that feeling of expanding your world by meeting new people. I often use the phrase, ‘People are portals’, and I really believe that’s true. Meeting a new person gives you the opportunity to see your life in a different way. As for dating lows… I think there’s sometimes an imbalance in contribution. It’s really important to listen as much as you talk and to pay attention; give them the chance to present who they are, rather than projecting onto them who you think they are. I also think it’s important to see new connections as a fresh start and to not bring previous relationships to the table. Don’t talk about your ex too much, even though, you know, we’re all healing from something. This is a fresh, new connection and you should be excited by it. Because dating should be – and is – exciting.
Yes! Despite what conversations online would have you believe, going on a date that doesn’t go anywhere isn’t a waste of time — it can just be fun. There doesn’t need to be an end goal.
Munroe Bergdorf: Absolutely. If you go into a date with a preconceived notion of what you want that date to be, it has a bigger chance of being disappointing. You need to give each other the chance to get to know one another, rather than going into it being like, ‘This person is [going to be] the one’, and putting that pressure on it. There’s no such thing as a wasted date. There’s always a takeaway, even if it doesn’t go the way you want it to. And that can be an empowering thing. [It helps you to learn] what you want and make sure you don’t settle for less than what you deserve.
Although dating is meant to be fun, it can also be a shitty minefield sometimes, especially for marginalised people. What's it like dating as a trans woman of colour in the current political climate?
Munroe Bergdorf: As a trans woman, it’s difficult to date, period. Regardless of whether or not it’s in real life or on a dating app. The plus side of dating on Tinder is that there’s a lot of security, which is definitely at the forefront of my mind when meeting new people as a trans woman. We’re [trans women] very aware of what’s going on in terms of escalating violence towards trans women, so to know that you have an app that’s prioritising your safety and wellbeing is really important and something I’m definitely championing [in my role as Tinder’s Empowerment Ambassador] and making sure our trans users are aware of. The verification process is something that definitely helps make you feel safer about [meeting someone you don’t know].
How can people make sure they’re being inclusive – and not dicks – on dating apps?
Munroe Bergdorf: Just treat people how you would want to be treated. Make sure you aren’t judging people before you know them. And just be nice. We often view online dating and apps as this whole different thing, and so people behave differently than they would in real life. We’re all just trying to find somebody who connects with us, and there’s no need to make it harder for other people when you wouldn’t want them to make it hard for you.
What tips do you have for successfully getting dates?
Munroe Bergdorf: Bring your whole self to the table. If you only present what you think people want to see, then that’s really doing yourself a disservice. The more authentic you are online, the more you’re going to attract people who, in themselves, see a connection with you. Just put what you feel comfortable with out there, but don’t feel like you need to hide anything.
A great place to start is using a selection of recent photos that really showcase where you’re at right now in your life. Don’t be afraid to put the bits of yourself out there that you think might be weird; the things that make you uniquely you, whether that’s your interests, hobbies, or the different parts of your life. Your Tinder profile is really a showcase of who you are.
What’s the best dating advice or most important dating lesson you’ve learned? And how have you incorporated that into your own dating life?
Munroe Bergdorf: Don’t forget to have fun. Dating is meant to be fun. It’s not a chore. It can feel quite overwhelming, especially if you’ve been out of the game for a while or if you’ve just started dating, so make sure that you know what you’re ready for. And enjoy it! The more you enjoy it, the more open you’ll be. Be vulnerable; allow someone to get to know you. Be curious. And don’t get in your own head; try to calm your nerves and recognise why you’re doing this, which is to connect, start a new chapter, and get to know yourself as well as someone else.
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