"I'm Tired, That's For Sure": Women Who Became Mothers Late In Life Are Holding Nothing Back About The Experience
Reddit user daydreamerknow asked the women of the community, "If you gave birth after the age of 35, what has your experience been like? Do you regret not having kids sooner, and if so, why?"
While there's a stigma that women having kids "later in life" is a big mistake, these women are here to illustrate how it can be both a positive and negative experience.
So, here's what it's really like having kids after the age of 35 straight from mothers themselves:
Note: This doesn't reflect a universal experience of mothers giving birth in their thirties and forties. Everyone's story is different.
1."I had my son at 42 and I have no regrets. The advantages have outweighed the disadvantages. Having much better emotional intelligence, feeling less peer pressure, and not being financially dependent on a man are things I didn't have as a younger woman. These are also the traps I see younger mothers falling into. Being so much more sure of myself and confident in my choices has meant a far smoother ride for me than many younger women."
2."I’m 40, and I just had my first seven weeks ago. I have nothing to compare it to, but I think I had a pretty typical experience regardless of my age. The pregnancy was fine — I was able to exercise until about 33 weeks. The baby is healthy as can be. Do I wish I had had kids earlier in life? Yes. But life didn’t pan out that way. I spent all of my twenties with one man who I knew wasn’t right for me and eventually ended it. I could very well have had a kid with him (I'm so glad I didn’t). I met my now-husband at 36, so things happened a bit later in life for me. But I’m so glad I was still able to experience motherhood at my age."
"I am pretty healthy and have taken good care of myself, so I don’t think my age has played such a huge role in my experience. However, given the risks associated with pregnancy and birth defects at this age, I don’t think I would be willing to risk it for a second child."
3."I had my first at 34 and my second at 37. I worry I might not be there for them when they’re older, I might be a burden just as they’re starting their own families, and I might not be in the best health to enjoy grandkids. I’m trying to combat that by eating healthy and trying to work out a little more so I can participate in their lives for as long as I can."
4."I'm 39 and pregnant for the first time. I've done so much more than every single one of my friends who had kids in their early thirties. I've had amazing adventures, started successful businesses that were so fun and fulfilling, traveled all over the world, and have been part of wild events in so many countries. I've tried everything. Some of my friends feel like they haven't lived as much as they wanted. I feel like I've had a rock 'n' roll life, and I can't wait to keep it going with the baby!"
5."I don’t feel like I missed out on anything in my youth because of my kids. I had my party days. I had my single, young professional days. I had a couple of long-term relationships to help me know who I was as part of a couple/family. I’m not saying everyone who has kids younger regrets it or feels they missed out on something, but I was a 'late bloomer,' so I am really glad I took the time to figure myself out before having kids."
6."I have four kids. Two are in their twenties, who I had when I was 25 and 28, and my two littles I had at 43 and 45. No regrets. The oldest of my littles has mild cerebral palsy and autism and is a good kid. My littles keep me young, tbh."
7."I had a child in my twenties, thirties, and forties. Every pregnancy and birth experience was different (natural, induced, C-section), and each child is very different. I had more resources with my older kids, which helped, but I had more energy with my first child. Life takes unexpected turns — there is no right or wrong age to have a child. It’s such an individual decision. I have friends who tried to conceive for decades and were finally successful well into their forties, while some of my other friends had kids very young. We all make it work."
8."I started having kids when I was 29 and just had my last baby (number four) at 36. I definitely wish I would have started sooner (at least 27). I’ve been with my husband since I was 16, so it wasn’t like we couldn’t have. Prior to kids, I worked but didn’t have a career, and that was okay. Financially, we were okay. We finished building our first home in 2016, and our first kid was born in 2017. I’m Canadian, so I had a year's leave and then went back to work. In early 2019, we moved cross country, and I became a stay-at-home mom. We’re a one-income family, and we’re comfortable financially. My last pregnancy was fantastic, so it wasn’t hard on me physically."
"But I just find it harder being a bit older with the day-to-day of raising kids. I don’t bounce back as well as I used to (this is likely mostly attributed to how many kids I have), and selfishly, I’ll be that much older when they’re finally out of the house and I have disposable income again. My answer is yes: I regret not starting sooner."
9."My oldest kid is 34 and I was 35 when I had her. I went on to have two more children after her. Having my children over the age of 35 allowed me to do what I wanted and have a beautiful family. Now, at 68, I have been told I am a very 'young 68.' I truly enjoy everything about my choice."
10."I'm doing IVF at 35 and about to start my second cycle after a loss the first time around. I definitely wish I had started sooner, but I wasn’t ready and hadn’t found my person. I’d rather have a baby later with the right person than have a baby earlier with the wrong person."
11."I’m tired, that’s for sure. But I was in no shape to be a mom in my younger years. Had I gotten my life and brain chemistry in order earlier, it probably would have been nice to have more energy and fellow moms closer to my age. But my kids have the best possible version of me, and I genuinely enjoy being their mom every day. I don’t think that would have been true if I had them when I was younger."
12."I had my first at 28 and my second at 39. I’ve been in active parenting for almost 28 years and I’m so ready to be just free to be ME next year. I’m tired of being tied to school schedules and I’m tired of cooking for picky children. I love my kids more than life itself, but I guess I’m just tired."
13."I had my first and only kid at 39 after being with my husband for over 20 years. There are very significant pluses and minuses to having waited so long, but overall, it was the right decision for us. The positives: We had a lot of time for just us between the beginning of college (when we met) and 21 years later when our daughter was born. Our partnership has a really strong foundation, and we are completely independent of our daughter. We are more mature parents — we take better care of ourselves, don’t put off chores, have a financial plan, and are a lot more patient than we were in our twenties."
"That said, there are downsides. My pregnancy was awful — it wasn't 'I had a lot of morning sickness awful. I lived in the hospital for my entire third trimester and had an extremely high-risk pregnancy.
Also, raising a toddler in your early forties is no joke. We often struggle to keep our energy going, and we’ve pretty much given up on doing anything other than work and childcare 90% of the time. We often drag ourselves through the day.
Overall, the positives and the negatives are both pretty significant. You have to decide what’s important to you. In the end, I’m glad we waited, but if my pregnancy had gone worse or if we really wanted several kids (or if the career-related benefits of waiting hadn’t paid off), I would feel differently."
14."I'm 35 and currently pregnant with my first! I have absolutely no regrets so far. I'm finally at a place where I have job security, a good salary, and we just bought and renovated our first home. I can't imagine having gone through the entire buying process and renovation while keeping a full-time job plus a small kid. We also wouldn't have had the room for a kid where we lived before, and our finances were a mess."
"It was scary having my IUD taken out and actively trying after years of doing everything in my power not to get knocked up, so therapy also helped me deal with all the changes that came along.
I've been in therapy for three years now, which is also something I wouldn't have been able to afford before. It was absolutely the perfect timing for us."
15."I'm 39 and pregnant for the first time. All I can say is that I did everything I wanted to do in my twenties. I wanted to have kids earlier, but I wanted to find a good man to be the father first, and that took longer than expected. My only regret is that my kid will not have cousins close to his age."
16."I had my first kid at 33, then twins at 35. I have absolutely no regrets, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I had healthy pregnancies and healthy kids. My husband is two years older than me, and he has no regrets either. This worked for us. We focused on our careers and strong finances and traveled in our twenties and early thirties, which made the most sense for us. I think it meant we were ready and well-equipped emotionally, mentally, and financially by the time we had our kids."
17."How differently I was treated because of my age is something I don't want to experience ever again. But it was definitely not the worrisome, fearful experience they were preparing me for, so I'm glad I trusted my gut and ignored their advice and stats. Everything turned out fine. We were under the 15th percentile for the majority of the pregnancy. AMA physicians wanted me to deliver early when I got to 40 weeks — they encouraged inducing me, but I refused."
"I had reached the point of two and half hours of contractions. It was too late for meds, and by the time I went in and had an automatic push, I had the biggest baby of all my babies.
Before I left the hospital, they said, 'If you have another, they WILL have birth defects.' We didn't want more children, but still.
It was the worst experience of them all by far, just because of all the nonsense. I had a baby the year prior with no complications and no worries..."
18."We had our boy at 37 and just came back from a four-year-old's birthday party. Now we're pregnant with the next kid at 40. All the parents were around our age, surprisingly. We were expecting to be the oldest there. It's probably a lot easier financially to handle when you're older, and I think you will be tired regardless of what age you do it."
19.And finally, "I was 38 when I gave birth. It was my third pregnancy, but only live birth. I had a difficult pregnancy and spent eight weeks on bedrest (six of them in the hospital). But luckily, my baby was healthy and strong despite being premature. Today, he is strong and smart, and he is the best person in my life. Sometimes, I wish I had had him when I was younger and had a bit more energy, but by having him later in life, I had more patience and saw the world a little clearer than I did in my twenties. Also, as a single mom in my forties, I was happier being single than I was in the relationship I was in when I lost my first two babies. He may be the only thing I don't regret in my life."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
